(no subject)
My Dearest Dan,
So this time I am sober, to begin with i'd just like to point that out. 100% sober and hoping to write co-hesive thoughts.
Firstly I would like to apologize for the other night. While there is not point in denying it. I would like to hold onto some of my dignity and mention that for the majority of it you were not talking to me. I am a little too emotionally detached to say things like "I am really heartbroken" ect. (my friends saved the conversation and I forced myself to read it while sober).
But yes, I like you. I plead the fact that i am a girl, internally emotional and weird. I had no intention on ever telling you so, becaue I knew it would get me nowhere. I accepted that you had a girlfriend, and that you were not interested in me.
I am completely content with just being friends. Besides if I face the truth, I am in a big of a fucked up place right now to be anywhere but friendship. I've found in the past relationships don't really work well for me in the past. I tend to settle for people that treat me badly, or who i'm not into. Well, I guess I just don't need that in my life right now, not that of course that im saying that im not into you, or that you would treat me badly. But hell.. whatever. Yes I swear I am sober.
I don't know why I am telling you this. You are a good guy, I don't know you very well, but I guage myself as a good critiquer of character, and you are a good guy. You're a caring guy, just from off handed comments you've made I can tell that. But also I can see your pyschotic vaneer. Which I think was the thing that attracted me to you most of all. You're not perfect, you're not ordinary, you're not mundane. Thats what i liked.
So let me talk honestly here, because while I am spitting all this out, in a letter i will inevitably never send. I have on the surface liked you for over a year. That night I met you at artz haus with Josh, Lynzi and Mike, I was more into Josh. Sadly yes its true. I will admit I was completely into him until the moment you told me about the crazy sex with his girlfriend. That kind of turned me off.
I'm not making much sense here. Well in your conversation, with me, but not with me, you said you didn't know me very well. Sadly I am awful at letting people get to know me. I hate talking about myself in the deep sense of the emotional way. One of my closest friends last year was obsessed I was sucidal/drug addict/alcoholic because I wouldn't spill my biggest emotional thoughts to her.
Even my friends that I am closest to this year know very little about me. One of them started bitching about how her boyfriend wouldn't talk about how his Mom had died, and I tried giving her advice on the reason for that, and she says to me" Well why do you think you know so much?" I've known her since Orientation day, and she didn't even know that my Dad died when I was 15, that was a gigantic, life altering, turning point in my life. I think alot of reasons the way I am the way I am is based on that event. One of my closest friends who had similar experience once talked about it, and she made me realize this. I really shut myself off after that, I was a walking zombie for a year and a half, and because of that I missed out on that essential high school shit. Since basically I ended up hanging out with people who were in the midst of fucking up their lives permeantly. I played in a metal band, hated everyone, didn't talk to anyone. So basically I missed out on socializing, and because of that, I have really hard times trusting people, and am well emotionally defunct.
I have two close friends from high school, one whom I love will all my heart and always will but who sadly has fucked up his own life so badly and has past the point where I can do nothing to help other than tell him I will always be there for him, no matter what. The other great friend, I also love, but in a much different way, i think because I allowed her to manipulate me so badly. Yet I love her so much, as much as I could try, and I have tried I can not seperate myself from her. Her name is Vycky, and I guess she would be my first love. Sadly i am one of those girls who had the dyke stage. I am one of those people that true lesbians hate, because I did grow out of it. The fact is, I grew into it too. After my Dad, my self esteem was so low, and the thought of having someone like me felt like such a foreign concept, so when I met her in grade 10 and discovered she liked me, I gradually started to like her too. Not that much happened between us, other than a painfully romantic relationship that will last the rest of my life. Even if I stopped talking to her today, she would stay with me forever. Even though she is no longer into girls and neither am I. I love her.
So last year ended in complete chaos. I made some excellent friends first semester, including Dee who is the best friend I have met in university, we really hit it off and she saved me quite a few times. Amoung my other friends were two really immature asian girls, who although were awesome for awhile, turned out to be not cohesive to myself. The other main friend from last year was a girl named Martina. Sometimes I cringe to think of her, because of what i did to her, and what she did to me. Sadly i let myself fall into the hole of when somebody likes me, I like them back. I discovered Martina liked me in October and by november we were dating. But it wasen't the kind of dating I did with Vycky, it was serious, and scary. I was ready to bolt by day 5, but I stuck it out, because I was so terrified to say anything to her. I was terrified to create conflict. When I finally broke up with her, I felt awful. She fell apart, and wanted me to fall apart, but all i felt was relieved. She failed all of her 1st semester classes because of me. She also sent me into a spiral of self doubt and depression. Based on her own mental issues she grew obsessed with the fact that that I was sucidal, doing hard drugs, being an alcoholic and fucking everyone. Having someone tell you shit like that over and over and over again just sends you down, it got so bad I would admit to things I had never done to get her to leave me alone, I started doing bad shit just to prove her right. She was also adamant about liking me, she'd tell me she loved me. Or we'd get drunk, and she'd cry, and I would feel guilty and get her hopes up in ways I never should have.
That's how I ended up living back in International house this year, I pretty much split from everyone i knew last year, other than Dee who went back to Australia. I was determined to make good friends, to quit being so... weird all the time. It didn't really work out.
Quick confession, I didn't kiss a guy until October of this year. I know that's pretty pathetic, and it couldn't have been a worse guy. I met him on a greyhound. He kissed me walking by Lambton, and a half an hour later I was doing not so wholesome things in the Arboretum with him. It took me awhile to realize that he was nothing but trouble.
Sometimes I just worry that I will turn into a whore because I am bored. I have an awful thing that I base so much of my happiness on other people, so I do things to make people happy even if it dosen't make me happy.
So the secret behind me? Im not that great of a person. I am insecure, and an emotional wreck.
I have an inner pychotic vaneer.
Yup that's it.
Dani
So this time I am sober, to begin with i'd just like to point that out. 100% sober and hoping to write co-hesive thoughts.
Firstly I would like to apologize for the other night. While there is not point in denying it. I would like to hold onto some of my dignity and mention that for the majority of it you were not talking to me. I am a little too emotionally detached to say things like "I am really heartbroken" ect. (my friends saved the conversation and I forced myself to read it while sober).
But yes, I like you. I plead the fact that i am a girl, internally emotional and weird. I had no intention on ever telling you so, becaue I knew it would get me nowhere. I accepted that you had a girlfriend, and that you were not interested in me.
I am completely content with just being friends. Besides if I face the truth, I am in a big of a fucked up place right now to be anywhere but friendship. I've found in the past relationships don't really work well for me in the past. I tend to settle for people that treat me badly, or who i'm not into. Well, I guess I just don't need that in my life right now, not that of course that im saying that im not into you, or that you would treat me badly. But hell.. whatever. Yes I swear I am sober.
I don't know why I am telling you this. You are a good guy, I don't know you very well, but I guage myself as a good critiquer of character, and you are a good guy. You're a caring guy, just from off handed comments you've made I can tell that. But also I can see your pyschotic vaneer. Which I think was the thing that attracted me to you most of all. You're not perfect, you're not ordinary, you're not mundane. Thats what i liked.
So let me talk honestly here, because while I am spitting all this out, in a letter i will inevitably never send. I have on the surface liked you for over a year. That night I met you at artz haus with Josh, Lynzi and Mike, I was more into Josh. Sadly yes its true. I will admit I was completely into him until the moment you told me about the crazy sex with his girlfriend. That kind of turned me off.
I'm not making much sense here. Well in your conversation, with me, but not with me, you said you didn't know me very well. Sadly I am awful at letting people get to know me. I hate talking about myself in the deep sense of the emotional way. One of my closest friends last year was obsessed I was sucidal/drug addict/alcoholic because I wouldn't spill my biggest emotional thoughts to her.
Even my friends that I am closest to this year know very little about me. One of them started bitching about how her boyfriend wouldn't talk about how his Mom had died, and I tried giving her advice on the reason for that, and she says to me" Well why do you think you know so much?" I've known her since Orientation day, and she didn't even know that my Dad died when I was 15, that was a gigantic, life altering, turning point in my life. I think alot of reasons the way I am the way I am is based on that event. One of my closest friends who had similar experience once talked about it, and she made me realize this. I really shut myself off after that, I was a walking zombie for a year and a half, and because of that I missed out on that essential high school shit. Since basically I ended up hanging out with people who were in the midst of fucking up their lives permeantly. I played in a metal band, hated everyone, didn't talk to anyone. So basically I missed out on socializing, and because of that, I have really hard times trusting people, and am well emotionally defunct.
I have two close friends from high school, one whom I love will all my heart and always will but who sadly has fucked up his own life so badly and has past the point where I can do nothing to help other than tell him I will always be there for him, no matter what. The other great friend, I also love, but in a much different way, i think because I allowed her to manipulate me so badly. Yet I love her so much, as much as I could try, and I have tried I can not seperate myself from her. Her name is Vycky, and I guess she would be my first love. Sadly i am one of those girls who had the dyke stage. I am one of those people that true lesbians hate, because I did grow out of it. The fact is, I grew into it too. After my Dad, my self esteem was so low, and the thought of having someone like me felt like such a foreign concept, so when I met her in grade 10 and discovered she liked me, I gradually started to like her too. Not that much happened between us, other than a painfully romantic relationship that will last the rest of my life. Even if I stopped talking to her today, she would stay with me forever. Even though she is no longer into girls and neither am I. I love her.
So last year ended in complete chaos. I made some excellent friends first semester, including Dee who is the best friend I have met in university, we really hit it off and she saved me quite a few times. Amoung my other friends were two really immature asian girls, who although were awesome for awhile, turned out to be not cohesive to myself. The other main friend from last year was a girl named Martina. Sometimes I cringe to think of her, because of what i did to her, and what she did to me. Sadly i let myself fall into the hole of when somebody likes me, I like them back. I discovered Martina liked me in October and by november we were dating. But it wasen't the kind of dating I did with Vycky, it was serious, and scary. I was ready to bolt by day 5, but I stuck it out, because I was so terrified to say anything to her. I was terrified to create conflict. When I finally broke up with her, I felt awful. She fell apart, and wanted me to fall apart, but all i felt was relieved. She failed all of her 1st semester classes because of me. She also sent me into a spiral of self doubt and depression. Based on her own mental issues she grew obsessed with the fact that that I was sucidal, doing hard drugs, being an alcoholic and fucking everyone. Having someone tell you shit like that over and over and over again just sends you down, it got so bad I would admit to things I had never done to get her to leave me alone, I started doing bad shit just to prove her right. She was also adamant about liking me, she'd tell me she loved me. Or we'd get drunk, and she'd cry, and I would feel guilty and get her hopes up in ways I never should have.
That's how I ended up living back in International house this year, I pretty much split from everyone i knew last year, other than Dee who went back to Australia. I was determined to make good friends, to quit being so... weird all the time. It didn't really work out.
Quick confession, I didn't kiss a guy until October of this year. I know that's pretty pathetic, and it couldn't have been a worse guy. I met him on a greyhound. He kissed me walking by Lambton, and a half an hour later I was doing not so wholesome things in the Arboretum with him. It took me awhile to realize that he was nothing but trouble.
Sometimes I just worry that I will turn into a whore because I am bored. I have an awful thing that I base so much of my happiness on other people, so I do things to make people happy even if it dosen't make me happy.
So the secret behind me? Im not that great of a person. I am insecure, and an emotional wreck.
I have an inner pychotic vaneer.
Yup that's it.
Dani