More plot-holes than an universe entirely composed of cheerios, if plot was a whole-grain cereal, um
Latest Torchwood abuse, courtesy of TV Cream. I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that Yer 'Wood is a deliberate attempt to create an exact modern so-bad-it's-good replica of impossibly cheesy 60s/70s shows like Adam Adamant, The New Avengers, etc. This can be seen by the fact that it has no jokes, despite being really funny in horribly unintentional ways. It's Garth Merengi's Darkplace with a six-figure budget.There are lots of things to get through here at TV Cream's top-secret Torchwood desk this week (and if you're looking for it, it's the big black imposing thing with 'Torchwood desk' stencilled on it in two different places, plus a pulsating light like Knight Rider). So let's get through them. First up, is that a Doritos fountain? No it's Creamguide's own Super Fan In Residence, Steve Berry, who, aside from filling his cheeks with corn chips, has got opinions about Dr Who's Welsh spin-off show - and he's spouting them across the office. "What is this?" he rages, "The Harlech Invasion Of Earth?". No, Steve Berry does not like Torchwood. "It's a pterrible ptrail of pterodactyl pturd! And the plots are even more prehistoric! 'Separate from the Government, outside the Police, beyond the United Nations' - and ploughing right through and out the other side of smug - I'm hoping Captain Jackass might slip me one of his Mickey Finns so I can forget the first five episodes!" But he's not done yet, and after unwedging his fist from a jar of salsa dip, declares, "And I don't think gap-toothed Gwen is as hot as everyone makes out...and in this show, everyone makes out!" Scathing!
Right, next order of business, and that's a look ahead to this Sunday's episode, and the team head off to the countryside to kill aliens. Here's hoping for some straw-chewing yokel sat on a haystack quaffing scrumpy, who throws away his bottle in disbelief after seeing Gwen chased by a Weevil. Next: A list of rude words we'd like to see in future Torchwood episodes, please, and we're going to print these in caps just to maximize the jeopardy quotient for any office workers who use the communal printer to print this thing out while the boss is off playing football: BUMS (plural), RUBBER JONNIES, POO-POO, BLURT, SHAGGING, COCK PIECE and, of course, PIM-HOLES. And Finally: It's another big, "How're you doing?" to regular correspondent Jamie Read, who mailed TV Cream with a missive entitled: "Now I like Ian Levine", which goes, in full..."Dear TV Cream
I think Torchwood is a load of crap!
Jamie Read
For the latest data on the economy and society consult National Statistics
at http://www.statistics.gov.uk"
Now that's how you do petty put-downs!
EDIT: Never Mind The Buzzcocks was again very funny this week, with the loving relationship between Britain's top Jewish light entertainers, Simon Amstell and Amy Winehouse. Amy was rather the worse (or better) for alcohol, with the most ludicrous hairstyle ever (a huge messy beehive thing that looked like it was made from Black Beauty); she spat on the floor, demanded more drink frequently, rejected the chance to have religiously-correct but horribly-haired babies with Amstell, did an impression of a mafia don, snogged an elderly man, shouted "wanker" when Ben Elton was mentioned, and ill-advisedly asked "Do I look like Russell Brand?", while Simon (who's secretly a stern moralist) tried to turn her away from the life of drugs and drink into a nice lifestyle of recording with Katie Melua, to which Amy responded "I'd rather have cat AIDS." Nonetheless, I still love Amy in my own special way.
Right, next order of business, and that's a look ahead to this Sunday's episode, and the team head off to the countryside to kill aliens. Here's hoping for some straw-chewing yokel sat on a haystack quaffing scrumpy, who throws away his bottle in disbelief after seeing Gwen chased by a Weevil. Next: A list of rude words we'd like to see in future Torchwood episodes, please, and we're going to print these in caps just to maximize the jeopardy quotient for any office workers who use the communal printer to print this thing out while the boss is off playing football: BUMS (plural), RUBBER JONNIES, POO-POO, BLURT, SHAGGING, COCK PIECE and, of course, PIM-HOLES. And Finally: It's another big, "How're you doing?" to regular correspondent Jamie Read, who mailed TV Cream with a missive entitled: "Now I like Ian Levine", which goes, in full..."Dear TV Cream
I think Torchwood is a load of crap!
Jamie Read
For the latest data on the economy and society consult National Statistics
at http://www.statistics.gov.uk"
Now that's how you do petty put-downs!
EDIT: Never Mind The Buzzcocks was again very funny this week, with the loving relationship between Britain's top Jewish light entertainers, Simon Amstell and Amy Winehouse. Amy was rather the worse (or better) for alcohol, with the most ludicrous hairstyle ever (a huge messy beehive thing that looked like it was made from Black Beauty); she spat on the floor, demanded more drink frequently, rejected the chance to have religiously-correct but horribly-haired babies with Amstell, did an impression of a mafia don, snogged an elderly man, shouted "wanker" when Ben Elton was mentioned, and ill-advisedly asked "Do I look like Russell Brand?", while Simon (who's secretly a stern moralist) tried to turn her away from the life of drugs and drink into a nice lifestyle of recording with Katie Melua, to which Amy responded "I'd rather have cat AIDS." Nonetheless, I still love Amy in my own special way.