just thinking..
I think im finally staying home today, first time in a long time.
Past days, weeks, months, years, my life has revolved itself around my friends. not my family, not my dad nor my mom. I've been thinking of how i treat them, the way i talk to them, the way i abandon them day in and day out. they've done so much just to make me happy and i can't seem to grasp any of it. I'm stupid in that sense, i guess. I thought about the past relationships i've had with them, and i can't even remember the last time i spent at least a whole entire day with them and just them, its sad really. But they make me so unhappy. i dont think i give them enough affection and love that its a part of me now to not even care if they're even in my life anymore. sometimes i dont even think they even exist because they're always gone now, and eveytime i come home, its only a knock on their door, just to tell them im home, and then i'd lock myself in my room and not see their faces until a week later. Every morning my mom would burst into my room, and tell me to get up and take my dog outside to pee. I'm usually half awake, and the sight of my mom is only a blur for a split second then she leaves for work again. My dad, I miss him so much. He works so hard just to make enough money to feed me and my mom, to put a roof over my head, and to pay off for this new house, their dream house, not mine. I dont know what to do anymore, i dont know how to make them happy whenever i'm around, or what to say to make them laugh. I lost touch with them, and it feels as though they're just strangers thats helping me out in life, without a thanks once in awhile. i'm just a fuck up and i dont know what matters to me anymore. I don't wanna lie to them anymore. I dont wanna dessert them and have this guilt carry on for the rest of my life. I wanna be able to sit down and talk to them without having it end in yelling and throwing shit. my mom is so tied up being so traditional and im just not use to having a good time and kicking back with my mom, it bores me actually. My sister calls me once in a while whenever shes lucky enough to get a hold of me, and tells me she misses me and will be coming down for the weekend to see me. I wouldn't give her the time and day sometimes and would tell her i'd call her back because im watching a TV show or im on the phone with someone else, and not ever call her back. shes the key to this family, she makes my parents happy, shes the princess and im just the outsider looking in, observing, wishing i was like her. yeah i guess thats all i needed to say..
Past days, weeks, months, years, my life has revolved itself around my friends. not my family, not my dad nor my mom. I've been thinking of how i treat them, the way i talk to them, the way i abandon them day in and day out. they've done so much just to make me happy and i can't seem to grasp any of it. I'm stupid in that sense, i guess. I thought about the past relationships i've had with them, and i can't even remember the last time i spent at least a whole entire day with them and just them, its sad really. But they make me so unhappy. i dont think i give them enough affection and love that its a part of me now to not even care if they're even in my life anymore. sometimes i dont even think they even exist because they're always gone now, and eveytime i come home, its only a knock on their door, just to tell them im home, and then i'd lock myself in my room and not see their faces until a week later. Every morning my mom would burst into my room, and tell me to get up and take my dog outside to pee. I'm usually half awake, and the sight of my mom is only a blur for a split second then she leaves for work again. My dad, I miss him so much. He works so hard just to make enough money to feed me and my mom, to put a roof over my head, and to pay off for this new house, their dream house, not mine. I dont know what to do anymore, i dont know how to make them happy whenever i'm around, or what to say to make them laugh. I lost touch with them, and it feels as though they're just strangers thats helping me out in life, without a thanks once in awhile. i'm just a fuck up and i dont know what matters to me anymore. I don't wanna lie to them anymore. I dont wanna dessert them and have this guilt carry on for the rest of my life. I wanna be able to sit down and talk to them without having it end in yelling and throwing shit. my mom is so tied up being so traditional and im just not use to having a good time and kicking back with my mom, it bores me actually. My sister calls me once in a while whenever shes lucky enough to get a hold of me, and tells me she misses me and will be coming down for the weekend to see me. I wouldn't give her the time and day sometimes and would tell her i'd call her back because im watching a TV show or im on the phone with someone else, and not ever call her back. shes the key to this family, she makes my parents happy, shes the princess and im just the outsider looking in, observing, wishing i was like her. yeah i guess thats all i needed to say..