(no subject)
"I'm sorry that you have been hurt so badly in the past, but I'm not going to let you hurt me now. I can't deal with this anymore."
That is the message I sent to Patty last night. She replied with "Ok..", and then a few minutes later "I'm not asking for anything emilie!"..but I am not allowed to answer her, no matter what she says. That's what I have to do, apparently...and last night, for the first time in a very long time, I fell asleep feeling OK. Not happy or excited or anything like that, but not anxious or sad or like, as I have been saying, somebody took a spoon and dug a hole in my chest, and then poured acid around it.
I actually got a little angry last night, with my friend talking to me, reminding me of everything she did to me. She led me on, she knew I was taking a chance on her and she allowed me to feel safe. It could have been my fault, maybe I moved too fast, or it appeared that I did. I guess it seemed like I went from liking her to loving her, but that is not how it was. I REALLY liked her for a long time, since we first started dating, in what, March of 2005? I just couldn't be with her then, maybe as she claims she can't be with me now. Who knows what she even tells the truth about anyway? This is a moot point...but anywho, it was pretty funny, my friend was like "Wait...I am getting all huffy puffy FOR you."
I know eventually I will be alright. I just hope that while I lose the pain, I hope I don't lose the ability to love. Love for my friends and love for someone who will maybe eventually come around.
That is the message I sent to Patty last night. She replied with "Ok..", and then a few minutes later "I'm not asking for anything emilie!"..but I am not allowed to answer her, no matter what she says. That's what I have to do, apparently...and last night, for the first time in a very long time, I fell asleep feeling OK. Not happy or excited or anything like that, but not anxious or sad or like, as I have been saying, somebody took a spoon and dug a hole in my chest, and then poured acid around it.
I actually got a little angry last night, with my friend talking to me, reminding me of everything she did to me. She led me on, she knew I was taking a chance on her and she allowed me to feel safe. It could have been my fault, maybe I moved too fast, or it appeared that I did. I guess it seemed like I went from liking her to loving her, but that is not how it was. I REALLY liked her for a long time, since we first started dating, in what, March of 2005? I just couldn't be with her then, maybe as she claims she can't be with me now. Who knows what she even tells the truth about anyway? This is a moot point...but anywho, it was pretty funny, my friend was like "Wait...I am getting all huffy puffy FOR you."
I know eventually I will be alright. I just hope that while I lose the pain, I hope I don't lose the ability to love. Love for my friends and love for someone who will maybe eventually come around.