Equus...
...is getting to me more than I thought...well perhaps 'getting to me' is not the right phrase. I suppose the best way to put it is that it is striking chords with me that I had buried for a long time, and don't want to confront...
...I've always believed that events and people come into our lives for a purpose, and that if we look deep enough we can learn things about ourselves and the world around us...perhaps it's a little too intellectual...but I feel that some higher power decided I needed to be here for Equus...I've always wondered in the back of my mind if what I'm doing with my life is right...I thought that in highschool, and I've thought about it hard constantly throughout the past three years only to shove it aside because what I'm doing now is what I -should- be doing- going to college, planning for the future in theatre, loving Kalin, planning a life with him...but like Dysart I'm not completely happy...and I really can't remember a time that I was other than when I was a kid running through the woods-but that's a different sort of happiness I think... I don't have that ONE thing in my life that I can devote myself to...maybe I'm just pulled in too many directions...I love theatre, and thought I was truly passionate about that but the more I think of it the more it feels like I chose it because it was safe...I could find a job, have security more so than if I painted or played music...which if I had to choose were the two things that I could be truly passionate about...don't get me wrong- in the beginning I was fanatical about theatre. I lived and breathed set construction, sceninc painting, costuming, even acting.....but now...now, I enjoy it and the company of my friends...but increasingly I find myself longing for more time to paint and play my violin...which just makes me feel more and more like I've made some wrong decision....
...I tried to face that possibility once before my freshman year of college, and even switched to an art major briefly...but why did I come back?
...It's a hard thing to admit that perhaps you did make a mistake and the past three years of schooling has been for a goal that's not what you really want...but at the same time I'm also afraid that if I break it off now and pursue something else that I'll discover that THAT wasn't my passion either...and it will be too late to return things the way they were...I'll just be stuck in the middle somewhere....it's all just confusing...I just know I don't want to end up in a life that I did because it was convenient, and end up miserable....
....blech.... sometimes I wish a brain had an OFF switch...
...I need to stop thinking....
...I've always believed that events and people come into our lives for a purpose, and that if we look deep enough we can learn things about ourselves and the world around us...perhaps it's a little too intellectual...but I feel that some higher power decided I needed to be here for Equus...I've always wondered in the back of my mind if what I'm doing with my life is right...I thought that in highschool, and I've thought about it hard constantly throughout the past three years only to shove it aside because what I'm doing now is what I -should- be doing- going to college, planning for the future in theatre, loving Kalin, planning a life with him...but like Dysart I'm not completely happy...and I really can't remember a time that I was other than when I was a kid running through the woods-but that's a different sort of happiness I think... I don't have that ONE thing in my life that I can devote myself to...maybe I'm just pulled in too many directions...I love theatre, and thought I was truly passionate about that but the more I think of it the more it feels like I chose it because it was safe...I could find a job, have security more so than if I painted or played music...which if I had to choose were the two things that I could be truly passionate about...don't get me wrong- in the beginning I was fanatical about theatre. I lived and breathed set construction, sceninc painting, costuming, even acting.....but now...now, I enjoy it and the company of my friends...but increasingly I find myself longing for more time to paint and play my violin...which just makes me feel more and more like I've made some wrong decision....
...I tried to face that possibility once before my freshman year of college, and even switched to an art major briefly...but why did I come back?
...It's a hard thing to admit that perhaps you did make a mistake and the past three years of schooling has been for a goal that's not what you really want...but at the same time I'm also afraid that if I break it off now and pursue something else that I'll discover that THAT wasn't my passion either...and it will be too late to return things the way they were...I'll just be stuck in the middle somewhere....it's all just confusing...I just know I don't want to end up in a life that I did because it was convenient, and end up miserable....
....blech.... sometimes I wish a brain had an OFF switch...
...I need to stop thinking....