(no subject)
okay, so. time edit. katie heavner is not a massive cunt. in fact, she's closer to me than i originally thought, and if she's a cunt then i guess i am too.
there was a huge misunderstanding between the two of us over some stupid technicality that got blown way out of proportion. AIM conversation has never really been my forte. she started to ignore me, and i started to panic because i thought that i had made a friend, and i get really partial to new friendships.
then, there was some facebook correspondence that was not entirely friendly. of course, i over-reacted. she also over-reacted. in the end, we both realized that we were acting ridiculous. i guess i will just sweep that idea under the rug.
the conclusion is that katie and i can't be friends any more, due to some stipulation by her boyfriend. i guess that's fair, seeing as i sort of blew up his spot but i can't help but be infuriated by it. i never let anyone tell me what to do, especially not who i am allowed to befriend, so naturally i am terribly upset. it has nothing to do with what i want though. i am going to respect her wishes, and those of her boyfriend, because i don't want to cause them any undue trouble.
i am just hurt. very, very hurt. not necessarily over the fact that katie and i will never be able to be friends, though that stings pretty terribly, but because i lost two friends in this. katie i understand completely, and because of that i am settled with it and willing to let it go. what i can not understand is how or why i was so deeply betrayed by someone i felt very close to.
it's been wrecking my weekend. at first i was just upset with katie. she was mean in her first letter, and it was unfounded. then i realized it was much deeper. much more than that. it's fucking disturbing.
so i am left here with all of my paranoia and my upsettedness just wondering what it is that was really said. what kind of person i am in her mind because of it.
you think you know someone. you think that they really care about you. then, this happens.
it makes me really wonder what kind of person i look like from the outside, who people see when they see my face. it kills me. how other people see me is really important to me and this is incredibly hard to comprehend for me.
i tried to talk to savannah about it, for reassurance. surely, she would tell me that i wasn't the monster that this girl thought or thinks that i am. it backfired and kicked me in the face, as per usual. she said that my motives would have matched those described in the past. i can't say i blame her, or them even, in that case.
part of it makes me want to scream though. i am not that person. that was a different lifetime, a different girl. if i was, it would be so much worse. i would have ruined it from the get-go for them. i would have told her every little thing i can think of to fuck everything up. i could have. i didn't though.
i didn't
i think that says something about me. though the more i deliberate on it, i wonder what it says exactly. what kind of friend am i? what kind of person?
maybe i am everything he has said i am.
there was a huge misunderstanding between the two of us over some stupid technicality that got blown way out of proportion. AIM conversation has never really been my forte. she started to ignore me, and i started to panic because i thought that i had made a friend, and i get really partial to new friendships.
then, there was some facebook correspondence that was not entirely friendly. of course, i over-reacted. she also over-reacted. in the end, we both realized that we were acting ridiculous. i guess i will just sweep that idea under the rug.
the conclusion is that katie and i can't be friends any more, due to some stipulation by her boyfriend. i guess that's fair, seeing as i sort of blew up his spot but i can't help but be infuriated by it. i never let anyone tell me what to do, especially not who i am allowed to befriend, so naturally i am terribly upset. it has nothing to do with what i want though. i am going to respect her wishes, and those of her boyfriend, because i don't want to cause them any undue trouble.
i am just hurt. very, very hurt. not necessarily over the fact that katie and i will never be able to be friends, though that stings pretty terribly, but because i lost two friends in this. katie i understand completely, and because of that i am settled with it and willing to let it go. what i can not understand is how or why i was so deeply betrayed by someone i felt very close to.
it's been wrecking my weekend. at first i was just upset with katie. she was mean in her first letter, and it was unfounded. then i realized it was much deeper. much more than that. it's fucking disturbing.
so i am left here with all of my paranoia and my upsettedness just wondering what it is that was really said. what kind of person i am in her mind because of it.
you think you know someone. you think that they really care about you. then, this happens.
it makes me really wonder what kind of person i look like from the outside, who people see when they see my face. it kills me. how other people see me is really important to me and this is incredibly hard to comprehend for me.
i tried to talk to savannah about it, for reassurance. surely, she would tell me that i wasn't the monster that this girl thought or thinks that i am. it backfired and kicked me in the face, as per usual. she said that my motives would have matched those described in the past. i can't say i blame her, or them even, in that case.
part of it makes me want to scream though. i am not that person. that was a different lifetime, a different girl. if i was, it would be so much worse. i would have ruined it from the get-go for them. i would have told her every little thing i can think of to fuck everything up. i could have. i didn't though.
i didn't
i think that says something about me. though the more i deliberate on it, i wonder what it says exactly. what kind of friend am i? what kind of person?
maybe i am everything he has said i am.