Do you ever catch yourself in the mirror and stumble?
Because you didn't look how you expected?
I didn't like how I looked from 10 to 20years - I hated mirrors.
But by the time I was 20 there were a lot of fun hair dyes - there were even contact lenses. And corsets. And a lot of clothes I was suddenly allowed to wear and no one was allowed to scorn me for it.
The trouble is, I still fall out of sync with myself. My hair, clothes or face are just wrong sometimes. (Looking older probably doesn't help, although there's little to be done about that.) The colour of ones skin, hair, teeth and eyes all change with age. Fashions change and you may find your favourite outfit is suddenly drastically out of date.
Blue-black hair dye, false dreads, and a black pvc catsuit (or 22inch corset, stockings and knickers adorned with a silver star) were a thing to wear when I was 28.
But now I'm on an island far far away. And it's warm. And I'd likely look bad in pvc.
For a long while at the Oast it was all linen and wool and leather like a viking maid. Or occasionally 18th century skirts, shifts and corsets.
Now I wear what I can only call 'holiday clothes'. Endless T-shirts and shapeless trousers. Ill-fitting tops and shorts. Clothes I don't love and don't care about. They fit the environment but they don't fit me. (I recognise this is something I either need to fix or shut the fuck up about.)
I dyed my hair lilac - or tried to. Turns out silver hair doesn't naturally take dye. One has to bleach one's hair through dark brown, light brown, ginger, blonde and white before fun colours may be applied. It looks like a blue rinse went wrong.
FFS - my feathers are already silver! That's deeply unfair.
I'm just being petty and complaining. I miss my clothes - I really miss my lovely clothes. Which is dumb - I know. In the scheme of things I would like my feathers to be longer (and maybe a different colour). Then again I'd also really like my books and art supplies that have been hidden in boxes for 10+ years. That would be nice.
I never had a clear idea where I would be at any time in my life. But apparently I want to swoosh around a house with wood floors whilst wearing a linen gown and maybe a shawl doing tablet weaving or sewing or silver smithing or cooking 18thC game pies?
I'll get over it. But I don't like me in the mirror right now.
Which is un-fun and also pathetic because ffs...