Technically Winterfest eve. Gods.
"The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head..."
For the past two days in between tidying and chores I've been doing a peculiar project - a gift overdue - and it's really the only thing keeping me sane. Hm. A little melodramatic; perhaps I'll say instead it is a very welcome distraction from thinking about things I don't want to think about.
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- Before I left the Oast I asked my father what he wanted for winterfest.
He looked slightly left-footed. "I hadn't thought about it - no one's asked."
At that point I cheerfully could have stabbed all of my family.
My father has had a shitty year - worse than mine and mine had points where I'd have rather been dead.
So. A christmas present might be a nice idea, yes? From Grovs various to say we appreciate you and you're not alone? Yeah, I know christmas and presents are for little sprogglings. I know. I agree. Christmas is for children when it's shiny and exciting and hasn't got twisted by anything stupid.
But still. Christmas is also in a weird way to say 'I appreciate you' to people that you should but don't 'cos you're too busy. Blah.
- This of course lead on to 'Your mother's had a worse year'.
And, 'You've not got anything for her, have you?'
Hello ruthless pragmatism, meet kindness I wish I possessed and guilt I have anywhichway.
I have no money. I bought my dad a couple of cheap CDs and a book which I can't practically afford but feel it's worth it. I could buy my mother something. No idea what. A piece of clothing maybe. A CD possibly. It wouldn't make a lot of an impact. It would register, she'd say thank you and be happy for five minutes. That's it. And in terms of my living quality and hers, that's not a good investment......
Which is a fucking nasty thing to decide.
I feel really shitty that I can't afford to make my mother happy for (literally) five minutes. Or more accurately that the ten/fifteen/twenty quid would last me two weeks for food (or one on some shoddy combination of food+smokes/alcohol.) Quite the difference.
And I know that reasoning and guilt makes NO sense on so many levels. I know. But there we are.
FFS. This is why I don't want to think about it - I run into walls whichever way.
- Mopey Corvid is mopey. Yeah, I'm hoping to get rid of all my sadly so I can be cheery and functional and not some sarcastic spiky mess tomorrow when I see family. It's not a big deal, really it isn't, and tomorrow morning I hope I'll see that. But right now it's just all a bit fekked and I care for it not at all. ....
In theory January isn't gonna be any better - the reasons for it being shit will just have changed (financial, oh dear fuck), but I have enough angst thank you very bloody much and I'd like to not throw an utter flid so I think I'll just look to the next few days and trying somehow to make them shiny if not for me then for people I'd like them to be shiny for. It'll be like metaphysical kitchen wenching. We can do this. Tomorrow will be better.
And now I'll go back to writing weird cant and sigils and stuff - it's safer.
And I can live inside my head..."
For the past two days in between tidying and chores I've been doing a peculiar project - a gift overdue - and it's really the only thing keeping me sane. Hm. A little melodramatic; perhaps I'll say instead it is a very welcome distraction from thinking about things I don't want to think about.
=====
- Before I left the Oast I asked my father what he wanted for winterfest.
He looked slightly left-footed. "I hadn't thought about it - no one's asked."
At that point I cheerfully could have stabbed all of my family.
My father has had a shitty year - worse than mine and mine had points where I'd have rather been dead.
So. A christmas present might be a nice idea, yes? From Grovs various to say we appreciate you and you're not alone? Yeah, I know christmas and presents are for little sprogglings. I know. I agree. Christmas is for children when it's shiny and exciting and hasn't got twisted by anything stupid.
But still. Christmas is also in a weird way to say 'I appreciate you' to people that you should but don't 'cos you're too busy. Blah.
- This of course lead on to 'Your mother's had a worse year'.
And, 'You've not got anything for her, have you?'
Hello ruthless pragmatism, meet kindness I wish I possessed and guilt I have anywhichway.
I have no money. I bought my dad a couple of cheap CDs and a book which I can't practically afford but feel it's worth it. I could buy my mother something. No idea what. A piece of clothing maybe. A CD possibly. It wouldn't make a lot of an impact. It would register, she'd say thank you and be happy for five minutes. That's it. And in terms of my living quality and hers, that's not a good investment......
Which is a fucking nasty thing to decide.
I feel really shitty that I can't afford to make my mother happy for (literally) five minutes. Or more accurately that the ten/fifteen/twenty quid would last me two weeks for food (or one on some shoddy combination of food+smokes/alcohol.) Quite the difference.
And I know that reasoning and guilt makes NO sense on so many levels. I know. But there we are.
FFS. This is why I don't want to think about it - I run into walls whichever way.
- Mopey Corvid is mopey. Yeah, I'm hoping to get rid of all my sadly so I can be cheery and functional and not some sarcastic spiky mess tomorrow when I see family. It's not a big deal, really it isn't, and tomorrow morning I hope I'll see that. But right now it's just all a bit fekked and I care for it not at all. ....
In theory January isn't gonna be any better - the reasons for it being shit will just have changed (financial, oh dear fuck), but I have enough angst thank you very bloody much and I'd like to not throw an utter flid so I think I'll just look to the next few days and trying somehow to make them shiny if not for me then for people I'd like them to be shiny for. It'll be like metaphysical kitchen wenching. We can do this. Tomorrow will be better.
And now I'll go back to writing weird cant and sigils and stuff - it's safer.