Boys. And life. And wishing.
So. Watching Aliens again reminded me that Hicks was cool, Michael Biehn was rather good looking, and pulse rifles are a girl's best friend.
Watching Terminator reminded me of a lot of things:
-Reese was doomed and glorious
-That film was *the* reason I started writing
-Cat was codenamed Terminator originally
-Unit5 soldiers were Tech-Com
-Ben had green eyes and light hair 'cos of Reese and was played by Michael Biehn in my head
-I used to steal James' paint-stained knackered army green trousers and his thin-striped sleeveless t-shirt and wish they fitted me
-And lastly, that Michael Biehn (even with slightly 80's hair and a very unsubtle scar on his chin) was utterly devastatingly gorgeous.
Three things happened in swift succession after that. Firstly, I wanted to be a Tech-soldier again. Secondly I slipped (again) into love and lust with Kyle Reese. And thirdly I became utterly depressed that Mr Biehn was 27 when he played that part and looked as he did, and I'm 30 and look as I do. (Unfit, not a single muscle in my body and bloody cellulite everywhere, nasty nasty, and I can't seem to shift 8.5st.) I would like to be a lithely muscled tech-soldier partnered with Reese please. (And no, this isn't to say that I don't still love JHH - I do, I'm basically being distracted by eye candy {allowed, I think, since H is in America and Kyle was my first love.}) I don't want an actual soldier - what I loved about Reese was his intensity, his edginess, his 'I came across time for you' - and yeah, his voice, good looks and lean muscles. (H, as I knew aged 15 when I first fell for him, is just a slightly older and more refined version of the same.)
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Funny. This whole 'Saturn Returns' thing at 30 is supposed to re-rig your life and make you forge onwards. All it's making me do is realise I had my best thoughts and most defining moments aged 15, and that if you look at the foundations nothing's changed - it's still all about Terminator, Tombstone and Aliens. Also that I'm as lonely, lost and as self hating now as I was then.
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-Harlequin is still chasing me although I give him no reason. i still don't trust him so can't be with him.
-Dave was very very drunk and made a pass at me until I said 'don't do that'. Should have said 'I'll not be pawed at'. Blah. I hate being touched when I don't want it. And I hate that he didn't realise or wasn't sober enough to think it was a bad plan. Now I want to avoid him.
-Neurons no longer love Jez, if they ever did. He'd been quiet too long, and so I've forgotten him. Also I assume I'm not important to him because of his silence, and I refuse to waste time thinking about a real person who doesn't think about me back.
-I still hope H will appear.
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I'm not sure how long I can stay in the flat. I have no money. No one is buying my jackets. Dad hasn't paid me for the past two or three times I've been Oastwards. And I'm burning money on costume (coat - 35, material - 4, t-shirt - 2, basque - 2.5, combats - 3, other combats - 2, boots - 10.5, cap - 1, gloves - 6 , jumper - 3.5, satchel - 4, tags - 4.5, belts - 2. TOTAL - 80). Yeah, yeah, I know. It will be my winter look, but still. I'm an idiot.
Watching Terminator reminded me of a lot of things:
-Reese was doomed and glorious
-That film was *the* reason I started writing
-Cat was codenamed Terminator originally
-Unit5 soldiers were Tech-Com
-Ben had green eyes and light hair 'cos of Reese and was played by Michael Biehn in my head
-I used to steal James' paint-stained knackered army green trousers and his thin-striped sleeveless t-shirt and wish they fitted me
-And lastly, that Michael Biehn (even with slightly 80's hair and a very unsubtle scar on his chin) was utterly devastatingly gorgeous.
Three things happened in swift succession after that. Firstly, I wanted to be a Tech-soldier again. Secondly I slipped (again) into love and lust with Kyle Reese. And thirdly I became utterly depressed that Mr Biehn was 27 when he played that part and looked as he did, and I'm 30 and look as I do. (Unfit, not a single muscle in my body and bloody cellulite everywhere, nasty nasty, and I can't seem to shift 8.5st.) I would like to be a lithely muscled tech-soldier partnered with Reese please. (And no, this isn't to say that I don't still love JHH - I do, I'm basically being distracted by eye candy {allowed, I think, since H is in America and Kyle was my first love.}) I don't want an actual soldier - what I loved about Reese was his intensity, his edginess, his 'I came across time for you' - and yeah, his voice, good looks and lean muscles. (H, as I knew aged 15 when I first fell for him, is just a slightly older and more refined version of the same.)
=====
Funny. This whole 'Saturn Returns' thing at 30 is supposed to re-rig your life and make you forge onwards. All it's making me do is realise I had my best thoughts and most defining moments aged 15, and that if you look at the foundations nothing's changed - it's still all about Terminator, Tombstone and Aliens. Also that I'm as lonely, lost and as self hating now as I was then.
=====
-Harlequin is still chasing me although I give him no reason. i still don't trust him so can't be with him.
-Dave was very very drunk and made a pass at me until I said 'don't do that'. Should have said 'I'll not be pawed at'. Blah. I hate being touched when I don't want it. And I hate that he didn't realise or wasn't sober enough to think it was a bad plan. Now I want to avoid him.
-Neurons no longer love Jez, if they ever did. He'd been quiet too long, and so I've forgotten him. Also I assume I'm not important to him because of his silence, and I refuse to waste time thinking about a real person who doesn't think about me back.
-I still hope H will appear.
=====
I'm not sure how long I can stay in the flat. I have no money. No one is buying my jackets. Dad hasn't paid me for the past two or three times I've been Oastwards. And I'm burning money on costume (coat - 35, material - 4, t-shirt - 2, basque - 2.5, combats - 3, other combats - 2, boots - 10.5, cap - 1, gloves - 6 , jumper - 3.5, satchel - 4, tags - 4.5, belts - 2. TOTAL - 80). Yeah, yeah, I know. It will be my winter look, but still. I'm an idiot.