The flat is cold.
I'm bored and miserable and feeling like a diseased shambly. (No one comments on my ZG stories, the bastards, although I know that they read them. Only two people commented on my photos - wah - please pet my ego for it is small and sorry-for-itself.) Anyway. Part of this I think is because of Jez and Sally.
I think it's good when Jez is considerate towards Sally (and he often is) changing plans or doing things to suit her whether it suits him or not. On the other hand they usually exclude or inconvenience me, so I'm not fond of them for that. But still, I'm quietly awed by his constant generosity.
It's weird. I find it hard to understand how one can continue to be so attentive and considerate to somewhen when at best your heart's not in it and at worst you'd rather be holding someone else. Part of me thinks it's admirable, part of me thinks its a sham.
But then again, is it a sham? I don't know how much Sally knows about Jez's current feelings regarding her - or me for that matter. She is aware all is not well and that their relationship is no longer certain... but she may not know (any more than I, really) how uncertain it is.
Anyway. Sally posted on LJ how she'd had a lovely eve with Jez going to the cinema and how the next day she'd gone to a game and then with Jez to James' birthday meal. And I was jealous. Not a hot and hateful jealousy, but a rain-cloud-grey-and-miserable sort of jealousy. I'd had to leave on friday so she could have her evening and I'd spent most of saturday fractious and unloved because every bugger was off doing something interesting and I wasn't invited. (Yes, woe is me, shut up you silly moaning bitch.)
On the other hand I also feel bad for wanting what she has because there's a good chance in the next year I will be given it... And then she will be as unhappy as I've been. In this regard there is little to be done. I'm not selfless enough to turn Jez down just to salve Sally's feelings. All I can do is behave with what little grace I can muster and meanwhile attempt to remain impeccable - even if his teeth nipping at my neck sorely prove that standpoint.
I also wonder how much Ginnie knows - possibly nothing but she guesses a great deal I think. Perhaps I read too much into the little things like her making tea but leaving me to take it up to him... I don't know. *shrug*
My life is very in-between right now. I'm single, but drop chaste kisses on the cheek of one I shouldn't because given half the chance they'd be a lot less chaste. I have no job but am painting. I have no money but am (currently) scraping by. I have friends but am lonely. I'm not depressed any more but there are still days when I drink vodka and sit in a heap and cry or don't want to get out of bed because I can't see it being worth the effort or the heartache. I'm 30 in a week or so, yet my neurons staunchly believe I'm 27. In theory I'm intelligent, knowledgeable and capable... but the idea of interacting with people and being given responsibility scares the hell out of me. Blergh and blergh again I say.
I know I'm lucky to have the life I have and that I waste much f it dreaming of better. I really wish it wasn't so hard for people to be paid for jobs they enjoyed and that drew on their real skills, not just the bureaucracy they'd learnt. Yes, yes, one small corvid in search of Utopia. T'feh.
Dear Universe,
This year I think there are three things I would dearly like for myself above all others... Maybe four....
Anyway.
I would like a relationship with Jez. If at all possible I'd like it to be happy, long-lasting, worthwhile, un-stressful and with physical chemistry and sexual compatibility. (Don't look like that, please, you know very well what I mean.)
Secondly, I would like to get a part time job that pays me enough money that I don't have to stress and scrabble every month, and I'd like it to be a job I can do well and enjoy. Y'know, one where I'm not left feeling a dumb, bored, waste-of-time after-thought.
Thirdly I would like Rkleish to fall in love with Ash and court her and (without trickery) Ash to fall in love with him. Together (and with sundry others) I would like them to save the world. Mostly I guess I'd like an end of game that didn't leave a bitter taste in my mouth and a hole in my heart.
Fourthly (if I may be so un-traditional as to count a fourth) I want consumption of the lungs. Not later, but now please.
Thank you for your time. I really hope you will aid me in these matters - I would be exceedingly grateful for your assistance.
In hope and strangeness,
Corvid
=======
I must add to this entry that I've now arranged to go to see Ketch this eve, so that may help dispell feelings of shambly-ness.
I think it's good when Jez is considerate towards Sally (and he often is) changing plans or doing things to suit her whether it suits him or not. On the other hand they usually exclude or inconvenience me, so I'm not fond of them for that. But still, I'm quietly awed by his constant generosity.
It's weird. I find it hard to understand how one can continue to be so attentive and considerate to somewhen when at best your heart's not in it and at worst you'd rather be holding someone else. Part of me thinks it's admirable, part of me thinks its a sham.
But then again, is it a sham? I don't know how much Sally knows about Jez's current feelings regarding her - or me for that matter. She is aware all is not well and that their relationship is no longer certain... but she may not know (any more than I, really) how uncertain it is.
Anyway. Sally posted on LJ how she'd had a lovely eve with Jez going to the cinema and how the next day she'd gone to a game and then with Jez to James' birthday meal. And I was jealous. Not a hot and hateful jealousy, but a rain-cloud-grey-and-miserable sort of jealousy. I'd had to leave on friday so she could have her evening and I'd spent most of saturday fractious and unloved because every bugger was off doing something interesting and I wasn't invited. (Yes, woe is me, shut up you silly moaning bitch.)
On the other hand I also feel bad for wanting what she has because there's a good chance in the next year I will be given it... And then she will be as unhappy as I've been. In this regard there is little to be done. I'm not selfless enough to turn Jez down just to salve Sally's feelings. All I can do is behave with what little grace I can muster and meanwhile attempt to remain impeccable - even if his teeth nipping at my neck sorely prove that standpoint.
I also wonder how much Ginnie knows - possibly nothing but she guesses a great deal I think. Perhaps I read too much into the little things like her making tea but leaving me to take it up to him... I don't know. *shrug*
My life is very in-between right now. I'm single, but drop chaste kisses on the cheek of one I shouldn't because given half the chance they'd be a lot less chaste. I have no job but am painting. I have no money but am (currently) scraping by. I have friends but am lonely. I'm not depressed any more but there are still days when I drink vodka and sit in a heap and cry or don't want to get out of bed because I can't see it being worth the effort or the heartache. I'm 30 in a week or so, yet my neurons staunchly believe I'm 27. In theory I'm intelligent, knowledgeable and capable... but the idea of interacting with people and being given responsibility scares the hell out of me. Blergh and blergh again I say.
I know I'm lucky to have the life I have and that I waste much f it dreaming of better. I really wish it wasn't so hard for people to be paid for jobs they enjoyed and that drew on their real skills, not just the bureaucracy they'd learnt. Yes, yes, one small corvid in search of Utopia. T'feh.
Dear Universe,
This year I think there are three things I would dearly like for myself above all others... Maybe four....
Anyway.
I would like a relationship with Jez. If at all possible I'd like it to be happy, long-lasting, worthwhile, un-stressful and with physical chemistry and sexual compatibility. (Don't look like that, please, you know very well what I mean.)
Secondly, I would like to get a part time job that pays me enough money that I don't have to stress and scrabble every month, and I'd like it to be a job I can do well and enjoy. Y'know, one where I'm not left feeling a dumb, bored, waste-of-time after-thought.
Thirdly I would like Rkleish to fall in love with Ash and court her and (without trickery) Ash to fall in love with him. Together (and with sundry others) I would like them to save the world. Mostly I guess I'd like an end of game that didn't leave a bitter taste in my mouth and a hole in my heart.
Fourthly (if I may be so un-traditional as to count a fourth) I want consumption of the lungs. Not later, but now please.
Thank you for your time. I really hope you will aid me in these matters - I would be exceedingly grateful for your assistance.
In hope and strangeness,
Corvid
=======
I must add to this entry that I've now arranged to go to see Ketch this eve, so that may help dispell feelings of shambly-ness.