Hiatus - Day 1
I am installed in Goblin Town.
On friday Ginnie bought me a week's worth of food and vodka to say thank you for looking after the cats. I felt bad as I always do when walking about a shop being asked to point at things to be bought for me. I settled on soup, crackers, muesli, apples and vodka as a staple diet - Jez added biscuits, whiskey and milk, and Ginnie added cheese and strange dim-sum things.
I'm pathetically grateful - for two reasons. Firstly, it's someone buying me food both needful and luxury, and that's always something to be thankful for. Secondly because the practical side of me knows if I had no food I wouldn't have bought any because I'm on my own and no one's watching for two weeks.
There are two further reasons why this whole 'cat and house sitting' thing is good. Primarily it means I'm not in the flat. I don't have to worry when or whether Matt is in his room and who might be with him. I don't get the horrible false company of Matt and Mike being in the flat yet neither of them being people I can talk to.
But more importantly, I can't be tempted to walk away. It's something I've been thinking about. Of packing a bag of small needful things, wearing warm and scruffy clothes and walking out to live in the city for two weeks, sleeping places like the archways in Richmond by the river. If I ditch my phone then who will be able to find me? No one. Who will look for me? No one. My parents and family won't notice, Matt will assume I'm at the Oast, and everyone else is in Cornwall. I'm sickly curious how long it will take me to fall over with no food or shelter... and how long it would take someone - anyone - to notice. Too long on both accounts I feel.
But I am cat watching, so such miserable melodramatics are denied me. Just as well.
I am still tempted not to eat all the food that has been bought for me... Or to eat as little as possible. I want to look gothicly haggard for people's return... which is stupid and pointless... but there we go.
I'm still drinking too much. This worries me if I allow myself to think about it.
I still hate this in-between time. Matt is gone but still here (I like him and think he's being an utter fuck), Jez is mine and not mine, my neurons want someone and despise love, I miss company and want no one, I want to self destruct and be happy, I have money and no money. I have friends but all of them seem to be fucking off to other countries - and are they friends or acquaintances? .... And most of all I have no idea how any of this will actually resolve itself.
I hate this.
Dusk is drawing in. Now we see now lonely I get.
=====
Today I have swept, tidied, washed up, set up and done painting (sky, wing spines).
I have had no email about rent from Matt nor contact from anyone after Goblin Town left.
I have eaten a mince pie, some chocolate, a bowl of muesli, a bowl of soup. (I wish I had scales.)
I have drunk tea, cider, port and whiskey.
On friday Ginnie bought me a week's worth of food and vodka to say thank you for looking after the cats. I felt bad as I always do when walking about a shop being asked to point at things to be bought for me. I settled on soup, crackers, muesli, apples and vodka as a staple diet - Jez added biscuits, whiskey and milk, and Ginnie added cheese and strange dim-sum things.
I'm pathetically grateful - for two reasons. Firstly, it's someone buying me food both needful and luxury, and that's always something to be thankful for. Secondly because the practical side of me knows if I had no food I wouldn't have bought any because I'm on my own and no one's watching for two weeks.
There are two further reasons why this whole 'cat and house sitting' thing is good. Primarily it means I'm not in the flat. I don't have to worry when or whether Matt is in his room and who might be with him. I don't get the horrible false company of Matt and Mike being in the flat yet neither of them being people I can talk to.
But more importantly, I can't be tempted to walk away. It's something I've been thinking about. Of packing a bag of small needful things, wearing warm and scruffy clothes and walking out to live in the city for two weeks, sleeping places like the archways in Richmond by the river. If I ditch my phone then who will be able to find me? No one. Who will look for me? No one. My parents and family won't notice, Matt will assume I'm at the Oast, and everyone else is in Cornwall. I'm sickly curious how long it will take me to fall over with no food or shelter... and how long it would take someone - anyone - to notice. Too long on both accounts I feel.
But I am cat watching, so such miserable melodramatics are denied me. Just as well.
I am still tempted not to eat all the food that has been bought for me... Or to eat as little as possible. I want to look gothicly haggard for people's return... which is stupid and pointless... but there we go.
I'm still drinking too much. This worries me if I allow myself to think about it.
I still hate this in-between time. Matt is gone but still here (I like him and think he's being an utter fuck), Jez is mine and not mine, my neurons want someone and despise love, I miss company and want no one, I want to self destruct and be happy, I have money and no money. I have friends but all of them seem to be fucking off to other countries - and are they friends or acquaintances? .... And most of all I have no idea how any of this will actually resolve itself.
I hate this.
Dusk is drawing in. Now we see now lonely I get.
=====
Today I have swept, tidied, washed up, set up and done painting (sky, wing spines).
I have had no email about rent from Matt nor contact from anyone after Goblin Town left.
I have eaten a mince pie, some chocolate, a bowl of muesli, a bowl of soup. (I wish I had scales.)
I have drunk tea, cider, port and whiskey.