Sunday eve.
Today I spent an hour cutting out stars and planets out of tinfoil and masking tape to hang about the flat. Matt said he wanted space and (other than pretending I'm not here) that was the best I could do. The front room has Orion's Belt. The library has a black hole, the sitting room a moon, the hallway a galaxy and the back room a spaceship.
I didn't think it would do much, but I hoped it might amuse his neurons or endear me to them just a little. He hasn't commented on the numerous bits of celestial tinfoil hanging from light-shades; I have no idea if he's noticed them or not.
I fell asleep in the sitting room because I was stupidly tired and Matt was in the front room. Because of this Matt has now moved Sol and all his accessories to the sitting room and moved all my stuff out of it.
This means that now in a 24hour span Matt can avoid me totally apart from when he needs clean socks.
This is slightly funny. But not really.
And so we come to my main problem.
I still hope that Matt would like me to stay. But I no longer believe it.
And the waiting for him to say yes or no is eroding my sanity.
I've got past the wanting to be distracted stage and the wanting to be drunk stage. I have moved on to the occasionally shaking and twitching and feeling sick and burning my arms stage. The stage after that, if memory serves, is feeling very sick and twitchy, drinking lots and doing enough damage to my arms that I probably should go to A&E. Which isn't much to look forward to.
Have just posted that I feel sick and this has worried jez and sally. but it's midnight and my brain hurts and i don't know if running away to there's will help. I suspect it won't in the end.
Matt came to say goodnight to me. i got 'goodnight corvid' and a hug. this made me even more miserable since it's the first sign of affection since the start of the month... and i panic as to what it means.
i'm very tired. and very tense. and very fucking miserable.
I didn't think it would do much, but I hoped it might amuse his neurons or endear me to them just a little. He hasn't commented on the numerous bits of celestial tinfoil hanging from light-shades; I have no idea if he's noticed them or not.
I fell asleep in the sitting room because I was stupidly tired and Matt was in the front room. Because of this Matt has now moved Sol and all his accessories to the sitting room and moved all my stuff out of it.
This means that now in a 24hour span Matt can avoid me totally apart from when he needs clean socks.
This is slightly funny. But not really.
And so we come to my main problem.
I still hope that Matt would like me to stay. But I no longer believe it.
And the waiting for him to say yes or no is eroding my sanity.
I've got past the wanting to be distracted stage and the wanting to be drunk stage. I have moved on to the occasionally shaking and twitching and feeling sick and burning my arms stage. The stage after that, if memory serves, is feeling very sick and twitchy, drinking lots and doing enough damage to my arms that I probably should go to A&E. Which isn't much to look forward to.
Have just posted that I feel sick and this has worried jez and sally. but it's midnight and my brain hurts and i don't know if running away to there's will help. I suspect it won't in the end.
Matt came to say goodnight to me. i got 'goodnight corvid' and a hug. this made me even more miserable since it's the first sign of affection since the start of the month... and i panic as to what it means.
i'm very tired. and very tense. and very fucking miserable.