On thursday night
...when Matt came back from (I assume but he didn't mention it) Aberrant and told me he was going to Wales he looked as if he expected me to say something. But since I was trying to pretend I wasn't in the flat so he could have space there wasn't a lot to say other than, 'okay'.
Then he asked me if there was anything I wanted from Wales and gave me another long look. The answer to that one was 'you to rush back early realising you miss and love me and that all this other crazy shit is just crazy shit and not important and for you to drop your bags and hug me until I fall over'. But I didn't think that was conducive to giving him space. So I just shook my head.
Matt has been shying away from me and so when it came to the whole 'sleep in separate beds' and 'give me space' thing I agreed. I didn't look happy about it because I wasn't, but I didn't object because it was what he'd asked for and I hope it will help him.
One of the things I worry about now is... was I meant to? Was I meant to close my eyes, nod and mumble a strangled 'All right.' Was I in fact supposed to scream and kick up a fuss and beg him to stay beg him to be with me - to have me right now on the floor?
I don't know.
All I know is that sometimes when I'm very unhappy I ask him to go away when I don't mean it, or I'm vicious just to hurt him because that hurts me... And although I believe it's pretty easy to tell when a Corvid is being ridiculously self destructive, I can't swear to it. And although I have never acted contrary to Matt's wishes because I thought he didn't mean it... that doesn't stop me worrying that perhaps this time I've got it all wrong.
But then again everything about this time worries me. It feels so final. And all of it's very wrong.
Ick.
Then he asked me if there was anything I wanted from Wales and gave me another long look. The answer to that one was 'you to rush back early realising you miss and love me and that all this other crazy shit is just crazy shit and not important and for you to drop your bags and hug me until I fall over'. But I didn't think that was conducive to giving him space. So I just shook my head.
Matt has been shying away from me and so when it came to the whole 'sleep in separate beds' and 'give me space' thing I agreed. I didn't look happy about it because I wasn't, but I didn't object because it was what he'd asked for and I hope it will help him.
One of the things I worry about now is... was I meant to? Was I meant to close my eyes, nod and mumble a strangled 'All right.' Was I in fact supposed to scream and kick up a fuss and beg him to stay beg him to be with me - to have me right now on the floor?
I don't know.
All I know is that sometimes when I'm very unhappy I ask him to go away when I don't mean it, or I'm vicious just to hurt him because that hurts me... And although I believe it's pretty easy to tell when a Corvid is being ridiculously self destructive, I can't swear to it. And although I have never acted contrary to Matt's wishes because I thought he didn't mean it... that doesn't stop me worrying that perhaps this time I've got it all wrong.
But then again everything about this time worries me. It feels so final. And all of it's very wrong.
Ick.