"Here I go again slipping further away...
...Letting go again of what keeps me in place
I like it here but it scares me to death
There is nothing here.
The light is beautiful but I’m darker than light
And you are wonderful but this moment is mine
All of this dust all of this past
All of this over and gone and never coming back
All of this forgotten - not by me..."
I really miss her. A lot. That's something I'd forgotten after all the angst and the fekk ups and the shear bloody pain of it all.
The fact that she was always around through my depression and through my deepest regret tainted my memory. The fact that I could never do her justice and the world didn't deserve her anyway usually made me sad. Every memory seemed draped in melancholy.
I forgot.
I forgot the feeling in my head when I saw her and the feeling in my tummy when she was in over her head - which was frequently.
I forgot why I was so pleased to have met her. So happy to have her around. I forgot what it meant to have her company, not just her fall-out (of which there was quite a bit.) Forgot the sound of her voice and the fact she could always make me smile with what she said, because nothing was ever mundane with her.
"I find comfort here 'cos I know what is lost
Hope is always fear for the pain it may cost
And I have searched for the reason to go on
I’ve tried and I’ve tried but it’s taking me so long
I might be better off closing my eyes
And God will come looking for me in time
All of this dust all of this past
All of this over and gone
And never coming back
All of this forgotten - not by me..."
She found a good place to be eventually. Took her five odd years, but she managed it.
So she's long gone from my corner of the world and not likely to come back.
I still hold out hope for a visit sometime, but she'll be changed when I see her. I carry my past as scars, she carries hers as change. I'm writing her a letter, have been for a while but I've yet to finish it or send it. I miss her, and some of her friends (although others I'll be glad to never see again - such is the way I guess).
"I can see myself I look peaceful and pale
But underneath I can barely inhale
I can hear myself singing that song
Over and over until it belongs to me...
It already does belong to you, sweet heart.
I miss you.
Be happy.
I like it here but it scares me to death
There is nothing here.
The light is beautiful but I’m darker than light
And you are wonderful but this moment is mine
All of this dust all of this past
All of this over and gone and never coming back
All of this forgotten - not by me..."
I really miss her. A lot. That's something I'd forgotten after all the angst and the fekk ups and the shear bloody pain of it all.
The fact that she was always around through my depression and through my deepest regret tainted my memory. The fact that I could never do her justice and the world didn't deserve her anyway usually made me sad. Every memory seemed draped in melancholy.
I forgot.
I forgot the feeling in my head when I saw her and the feeling in my tummy when she was in over her head - which was frequently.
I forgot why I was so pleased to have met her. So happy to have her around. I forgot what it meant to have her company, not just her fall-out (of which there was quite a bit.) Forgot the sound of her voice and the fact she could always make me smile with what she said, because nothing was ever mundane with her.
"I find comfort here 'cos I know what is lost
Hope is always fear for the pain it may cost
And I have searched for the reason to go on
I’ve tried and I’ve tried but it’s taking me so long
I might be better off closing my eyes
And God will come looking for me in time
All of this dust all of this past
All of this over and gone
And never coming back
All of this forgotten - not by me..."
She found a good place to be eventually. Took her five odd years, but she managed it.
So she's long gone from my corner of the world and not likely to come back.
I still hold out hope for a visit sometime, but she'll be changed when I see her. I carry my past as scars, she carries hers as change. I'm writing her a letter, have been for a while but I've yet to finish it or send it. I miss her, and some of her friends (although others I'll be glad to never see again - such is the way I guess).
"I can see myself I look peaceful and pale
But underneath I can barely inhale
I can hear myself singing that song
Over and over until it belongs to me...
It already does belong to you, sweet heart.
I miss you.
Be happy.