Right on the Witching Hour...
...and I'm not drunk, although I'd quite like to be. Damn.
Anyway, before I ramble, anyone know why there is no sea_cucumber any more?
And now for the wittering.
Ah for a life before I had regret.
I still only have one regret out of all my life - is that good or bad going? I'm not sure.
I do really just wish that I could actually feel as nonchalant about it as I can sound; that would be nice.
Odd. People talk about 'innocence lost' as if you're mentally shafted a day at a time from about seven years old onwards, until finally aged twenty something the process is complete and you emerge a stone cold and bitter cynic.
But it's not like that at all. Growing up in the normal [1] manner isn't like that; it's a gentle process of your experience widening and your views changing. Every so often you get a shock to the system, but even that's just part of the learning.
Innocence lost isn't really a problem; it's innocence fecked over, poisoned, torn out and burnt that I have issue with.
'Innocence Lost' is NOT: failing to be satisfied by penny-sweets anymore, realising your parents don't know everything, discovering people can be mean for no reason, seeing that in reality dock leaves don't grow anywhere near stinging nettles, kissing girls / boys or learning swear words.
'Innocence Lost' IS: betrayal on a scale so grand and personal you didn't see it coming - or if you did you couldn't possibly believe it. It's a revelation and a violation wrapped up in one; and what's worse is at the time you're meant to take it, and say 'thank you' too. It's a subversion of trust and a breaking of something you held very sacred.
And that's were the regret comes in. I'm not talking about 'oh dear, I missed that opportunity' and wishful thinking kinda 'regret'. I'm talking about something that makes your muscles tense just to think on it and your heart fill with a number of dark and sorry emotions no-one cares for. Real regret can indeed be life long. You can feel as bitter and strongly about it a day or twenty years on...
And that really pisses me off.
My neurons are of the 'There there, cry me a river - now build me a bridge and get over it!' school. It does not sit well with them that there is a bridge they have not managed to cross.
....
I should stop thinking bollocks and go to bed. I have to be up early tomorrow.
[1] In this case 'normal' basically means without a horror / san-loss factor.
Anyway, before I ramble, anyone know why there is no sea_cucumber any more?
And now for the wittering.
Ah for a life before I had regret.
I still only have one regret out of all my life - is that good or bad going? I'm not sure.
I do really just wish that I could actually feel as nonchalant about it as I can sound; that would be nice.
Odd. People talk about 'innocence lost' as if you're mentally shafted a day at a time from about seven years old onwards, until finally aged twenty something the process is complete and you emerge a stone cold and bitter cynic.
But it's not like that at all. Growing up in the normal [1] manner isn't like that; it's a gentle process of your experience widening and your views changing. Every so often you get a shock to the system, but even that's just part of the learning.
Innocence lost isn't really a problem; it's innocence fecked over, poisoned, torn out and burnt that I have issue with.
'Innocence Lost' is NOT: failing to be satisfied by penny-sweets anymore, realising your parents don't know everything, discovering people can be mean for no reason, seeing that in reality dock leaves don't grow anywhere near stinging nettles, kissing girls / boys or learning swear words.
'Innocence Lost' IS: betrayal on a scale so grand and personal you didn't see it coming - or if you did you couldn't possibly believe it. It's a revelation and a violation wrapped up in one; and what's worse is at the time you're meant to take it, and say 'thank you' too. It's a subversion of trust and a breaking of something you held very sacred.
And that's were the regret comes in. I'm not talking about 'oh dear, I missed that opportunity' and wishful thinking kinda 'regret'. I'm talking about something that makes your muscles tense just to think on it and your heart fill with a number of dark and sorry emotions no-one cares for. Real regret can indeed be life long. You can feel as bitter and strongly about it a day or twenty years on...
And that really pisses me off.
My neurons are of the 'There there, cry me a river - now build me a bridge and get over it!' school. It does not sit well with them that there is a bridge they have not managed to cross.
....
I should stop thinking bollocks and go to bed. I have to be up early tomorrow.
[1] In this case 'normal' basically means without a horror / san-loss factor.