Stealing Words
Yes, this is swiped from a Wolf's journal. He had logged in on Neuron and I saw the private icon, and I'm afraid I'm a nosy bitch. Here follows a shortened copy, with added comments since it touched on stuff we talked about the other night.
Seff (anysbryd) wrote @ 2004-12-12 15:06:00
Current mood: cold
Current music: Saybia
Life is a funny old game, and its currently going well for most of the time. it would be greatly improved if i was working, however that would require me to actually be willing to sacrifice some of my precious time. the problem i guess is that if i got a job i know that my time would be limited greatly and there would be times i would have to work weekends, and all the other freetime i have, which while good for my finances, means that i dont get to be with Raven and dont get to look after her. while i know she would be fine with out me around if i was busy doing other stuff it would still make me mook to be in that situation. i would happily work all the hours i had spare if i knew that i was coming home to her, but instead i know that i would find an empty room, and see her less.
*Really does wonder what on earth she did to have a keecher so intent on her happiness and wellbeing.* Yes, if you care for someone then you want them to be well and happy... but I've never known someone to do it to such a selfless level. I'm not worth it - but I guess I will have to try to be.
Its going to be very strange being at Raven's for christmas, but strangely i dont think it would be as bad as being at my fathers, and as for with Jo, i dont know, i just dont feel like there is a home place at the moment. the new house is all well and good, but its not home, and now my grandmother has moved that removed the only other place that feel vaugly settled. so im currently in a not belonging stage, and i long for the days when i have money coming in and a house or flat to call my own and make home.
I hope winterfest with me and mine is meekle... but I know even if it is good it will not be 'home' because I cannot give that to him. Wolf must find or make his own. Part of me wants to stamp my feet and wail when he says how lost he will be. I don't invite him to be with my family I invite him to be with ME in the vague hope that'll be a new sort of home... but I suppose not.
And now i have one last Cam game, wraith, if i can make the game. and as much as i want to go and stomp at someone, theres a part that just cant bear approaching the subject for fear of it spilling out of the game.
*Wry look* I doubt it would get out of hand, but it would follow the double helix. Max would rage at Sean about how the Gangrel is a coward and how Cinnamon tried to destroy herself because of him... And beneath all that will be Matt raging at Paul for what he did and how he behaved and how I tore myself apart because of it. And pity to say, both Cinnamon and I wish Max would tear some strips off the boy, however unfair or unjust that might be.
And while he can seem ok there is an essence about him that has always annoyed me and a lot of my friendship with him was based around the fact i had a car and could take him to see her, and it should'ent have been, and yet i find, that i did;ent mind because that was what i wanted to do also.
I had wondered - Paul seems to have had little to do with Matt since Matt lost his car.
And i wonder if its jealousy that he managed to attract her attentions or if its just that he hurt her so, i wish i'd know her earlier but i dont think it would have been the same.
You and me both boy. I don't think it would have worked back then. Neither of us were quite who we are now and although the changes were little they added up to a difference that was significant. But were I able to use tarot and spells to look into the possible past and see us together and it working as well as us still together and good now, then I would spin the hex, down the paradox and rewrite the whole damn thing. Because although I hate it, that it the depth of regret I have.
But more than that i wish i could just stop her hurting, because, its makes my heart hurt so much, that when i cannot do anything i think of fleeing that i may be ignorant to her pain that i would feel none, but being without her and knowing she is hurting pains me more.
Oh bloody hell my wolf, I am rather detrimental to your health aren't I? Easy for me to be sorry and flippant now, but when I'm throwing fits at 3am and crying inconsolable in his arms I guess it would hurt him as much as it hurts me. *sigh* I hope he does not run away. If he does not understand then I must tell him again: no, the past cannot be changed, yes it hurts like fuck. No I cannot forgive myself for the various messes and mistakes I made at the time nor for the contradictory sea of feelings. Therefore, no, there is nothing really to be done. But the fact that I am in his arms crying is a thousand times better than being on my own and wanting to shed blood.
There is no more vampire. There is no more Cinnamon. All links to him are severed. (And damn it all that she was a bridge for it - I'm sorry Spinnyone, gods I'm sorry.) It is the past. Eventually it will be forgotten.
Seff (anysbryd) wrote @ 2004-12-12 15:06:00
Current mood: cold
Current music: Saybia
Life is a funny old game, and its currently going well for most of the time. it would be greatly improved if i was working, however that would require me to actually be willing to sacrifice some of my precious time. the problem i guess is that if i got a job i know that my time would be limited greatly and there would be times i would have to work weekends, and all the other freetime i have, which while good for my finances, means that i dont get to be with Raven and dont get to look after her. while i know she would be fine with out me around if i was busy doing other stuff it would still make me mook to be in that situation. i would happily work all the hours i had spare if i knew that i was coming home to her, but instead i know that i would find an empty room, and see her less.
*Really does wonder what on earth she did to have a keecher so intent on her happiness and wellbeing.* Yes, if you care for someone then you want them to be well and happy... but I've never known someone to do it to such a selfless level. I'm not worth it - but I guess I will have to try to be.
Its going to be very strange being at Raven's for christmas, but strangely i dont think it would be as bad as being at my fathers, and as for with Jo, i dont know, i just dont feel like there is a home place at the moment. the new house is all well and good, but its not home, and now my grandmother has moved that removed the only other place that feel vaugly settled. so im currently in a not belonging stage, and i long for the days when i have money coming in and a house or flat to call my own and make home.
I hope winterfest with me and mine is meekle... but I know even if it is good it will not be 'home' because I cannot give that to him. Wolf must find or make his own. Part of me wants to stamp my feet and wail when he says how lost he will be. I don't invite him to be with my family I invite him to be with ME in the vague hope that'll be a new sort of home... but I suppose not.
And now i have one last Cam game, wraith, if i can make the game. and as much as i want to go and stomp at someone, theres a part that just cant bear approaching the subject for fear of it spilling out of the game.
*Wry look* I doubt it would get out of hand, but it would follow the double helix. Max would rage at Sean about how the Gangrel is a coward and how Cinnamon tried to destroy herself because of him... And beneath all that will be Matt raging at Paul for what he did and how he behaved and how I tore myself apart because of it. And pity to say, both Cinnamon and I wish Max would tear some strips off the boy, however unfair or unjust that might be.
And while he can seem ok there is an essence about him that has always annoyed me and a lot of my friendship with him was based around the fact i had a car and could take him to see her, and it should'ent have been, and yet i find, that i did;ent mind because that was what i wanted to do also.
I had wondered - Paul seems to have had little to do with Matt since Matt lost his car.
And i wonder if its jealousy that he managed to attract her attentions or if its just that he hurt her so, i wish i'd know her earlier but i dont think it would have been the same.
You and me both boy. I don't think it would have worked back then. Neither of us were quite who we are now and although the changes were little they added up to a difference that was significant. But were I able to use tarot and spells to look into the possible past and see us together and it working as well as us still together and good now, then I would spin the hex, down the paradox and rewrite the whole damn thing. Because although I hate it, that it the depth of regret I have.
But more than that i wish i could just stop her hurting, because, its makes my heart hurt so much, that when i cannot do anything i think of fleeing that i may be ignorant to her pain that i would feel none, but being without her and knowing she is hurting pains me more.
Oh bloody hell my wolf, I am rather detrimental to your health aren't I? Easy for me to be sorry and flippant now, but when I'm throwing fits at 3am and crying inconsolable in his arms I guess it would hurt him as much as it hurts me. *sigh* I hope he does not run away. If he does not understand then I must tell him again: no, the past cannot be changed, yes it hurts like fuck. No I cannot forgive myself for the various messes and mistakes I made at the time nor for the contradictory sea of feelings. Therefore, no, there is nothing really to be done. But the fact that I am in his arms crying is a thousand times better than being on my own and wanting to shed blood.
There is no more vampire. There is no more Cinnamon. All links to him are severed. (And damn it all that she was a bridge for it - I'm sorry Spinnyone, gods I'm sorry.) It is the past. Eventually it will be forgotten.