On leading an authentic life...
As this summer has gone along, I've begun to feel the stirrings of my old self again. I'm able to write, create, and read books again. I'm eating without obsessing, which, believe you me, is an incredible relief.
I have decided to switch my work to serving instead of hosting- I'm ready for a challenge as my confidence in my self returns. After going through the difficult but not that horrendous process of becoming financially emancipated from my parents, I've received full financial aid in the form of generous grants, and have a full time school semester planned.
In this summer, after attending a henna party hosted at my local library, I've started experimenting in mendhi art, and am having a great old time.
(I particularly like that muddy chunky look right there)
I feel as though my authentic self is finally able to come out and play with the world, and as much courage as it takes to do this, it has given me a sense of deep satisfaction as I have not experienced in years. I am home.
Sadly, in the interest of being myself to the fullest extent possible, I have lost some very precious people in my life. This is the price we pay and make others pay for the right to live the life they desire.
Interesting.
On a separate but related note, my partner proposed to me last month, which caused a bit of an internal division in my brain.
I don't think I've extensively discussed my view of marriage on my blog, but I am not exactly a proponent of such. It is my personal opinion that human beings are not monogamous creatures; while Western culture pays an unholy amount of lip service to this idea, it does not in execution show any kind of support for the idea that humans are naturally structured to mate for life. Thus, I believe that though commitment is spiritual and of great importance in sexuality, lifelong marriage at a young age is not just unrealistic, but silly. Thus the division- how to show the intention of long term commitment to my partner without making unrealistic vows?
Discussing this with a friend, I was given the idea of handfasting, satisfying my partner's need for a show of commitment, with my need for a realistic option that feels right to me. Instead of vowing "As long as we both shall live", vowing "As long as love shall last." Perhaps not the most popular option to some, but it feels right to me.
At work the other day, a Witness came in and sat down, glaring at me from across the restaurant for an hour or so. As I walked past her table, she says with a rather ugly, smug voice, "Are you really happy like this?"
I gave her a smile, and said, "Yes. Yes I am. I'm the happiest I've been in years."
And the best part of it is, I was telling the truth.