Peacemaker
Greetings and welcome.
A lot has been happening, of course, since I hardly ever write. The spring has come. I have taken my boards exam and given my final senior speech. Now that I only have classes to worry about, well, aside from surviving on my own long enough to get my first job, making a budget, buying insurance, and generally being lonely through a critical transitional period of life, I've been feeling better. I have been exercising more, going back to fencing, and really appreciating the amazing flowers and smells on my walks to and from school. Life is quite beautiful. I also have been spending more time with friends and with concerning myself with them. This last weekend, my buddies from Syracuse took me with them on this phenominally cool wine tour around Seneca lake. Wow! We had an awesome time. I felt so very loved and cared for. I really like them. Such truely good people they are, and I wish them nothing but the best. I wish I could do something nice in return soon. I expect the opportunity will present itself to me later.
God is my family now, and I am extreemly appreciative. I am trying to learn, as I said before, as much as possible about how I'm supposed to conduct myself, and I am finding that throughout my past, I've made many errors and done much wrong. Yes, I feel bad. I feel regret particularly from the social wrongs I've done. It took me a while to understand, and then to admit, that I was foolish and driven by the inner demons of pride, jealousy, fear, and low self esteem. I acted on those a lot and basically dug myself a hole, over and again. It really took a lot of social beatings and anguish, and then having it done back to me, that made me wake up. It was a cycle that I was repeating, of not understanding and getting defensive, then lashing out at the wrong people. I'm really amazed at how honestly I thought I was actually "right." Wow, the devil is an expert deceiver, and I was lost. I'm so thankful now that I can be different for the rest of my life. Along those lines, I took it upon myself to write an email to every person I had ever parted poorly with, to give my sincere apologies and ask their forgiveness. That was a few days ago, and I have one last person to write to, but still, I have heard nothing back from any one of them. It's ok though. I mean, I would like to know that the people actually received my words, but I cannot and will not demand responses. I did what I felt I had to do. I tried to make peace and set things right. I know it was good.
I do miss the church community I had involved myself with over Easter. I have missed the last two Sundays in a row, and I am so eager to go back! I want to be near God and his ppl. They show me things in the way they act. I am welcomed and encouraged, and my understanding grows. I am such a beginner, but I am relieved to be included. Wed, tomorrow, there is mass, and only a few ppl ever show. I will go.
My cat is out of food. :( I had to ask Jen my housemate to give me some of hers to get my cat through the week. Ah, I am so dependent on others. Thank them for their kindness.
One day, I came home from school, and was watching some tv while eating dinner. VA Tech was all over the news. My jaw dropped. I was actually so upset I could hardly do anything. I needed a period of mourning! But am not afforded one. It was just so shocking, and now that I look at it from a religious perspective.... awah man... That young man who did it stands before a undoubtedly, Very, Angry God. ... Terrifies me even more than the crime he committed. Holy shite... Something else i heard struck me in its religious affects... uh, I can't remember right now what it was. It's just so different seeing the world around me as totally and completely under God's watch and control every moment. I feel less lonely but a little scared. I also feel like I'm in love.
That's pretty much about it, as far as what's on my mind. Take care all.
A lot has been happening, of course, since I hardly ever write. The spring has come. I have taken my boards exam and given my final senior speech. Now that I only have classes to worry about, well, aside from surviving on my own long enough to get my first job, making a budget, buying insurance, and generally being lonely through a critical transitional period of life, I've been feeling better. I have been exercising more, going back to fencing, and really appreciating the amazing flowers and smells on my walks to and from school. Life is quite beautiful. I also have been spending more time with friends and with concerning myself with them. This last weekend, my buddies from Syracuse took me with them on this phenominally cool wine tour around Seneca lake. Wow! We had an awesome time. I felt so very loved and cared for. I really like them. Such truely good people they are, and I wish them nothing but the best. I wish I could do something nice in return soon. I expect the opportunity will present itself to me later.
God is my family now, and I am extreemly appreciative. I am trying to learn, as I said before, as much as possible about how I'm supposed to conduct myself, and I am finding that throughout my past, I've made many errors and done much wrong. Yes, I feel bad. I feel regret particularly from the social wrongs I've done. It took me a while to understand, and then to admit, that I was foolish and driven by the inner demons of pride, jealousy, fear, and low self esteem. I acted on those a lot and basically dug myself a hole, over and again. It really took a lot of social beatings and anguish, and then having it done back to me, that made me wake up. It was a cycle that I was repeating, of not understanding and getting defensive, then lashing out at the wrong people. I'm really amazed at how honestly I thought I was actually "right." Wow, the devil is an expert deceiver, and I was lost. I'm so thankful now that I can be different for the rest of my life. Along those lines, I took it upon myself to write an email to every person I had ever parted poorly with, to give my sincere apologies and ask their forgiveness. That was a few days ago, and I have one last person to write to, but still, I have heard nothing back from any one of them. It's ok though. I mean, I would like to know that the people actually received my words, but I cannot and will not demand responses. I did what I felt I had to do. I tried to make peace and set things right. I know it was good.
I do miss the church community I had involved myself with over Easter. I have missed the last two Sundays in a row, and I am so eager to go back! I want to be near God and his ppl. They show me things in the way they act. I am welcomed and encouraged, and my understanding grows. I am such a beginner, but I am relieved to be included. Wed, tomorrow, there is mass, and only a few ppl ever show. I will go.
My cat is out of food. :( I had to ask Jen my housemate to give me some of hers to get my cat through the week. Ah, I am so dependent on others. Thank them for their kindness.
One day, I came home from school, and was watching some tv while eating dinner. VA Tech was all over the news. My jaw dropped. I was actually so upset I could hardly do anything. I needed a period of mourning! But am not afforded one. It was just so shocking, and now that I look at it from a religious perspective.... awah man... That young man who did it stands before a undoubtedly, Very, Angry God. ... Terrifies me even more than the crime he committed. Holy shite... Something else i heard struck me in its religious affects... uh, I can't remember right now what it was. It's just so different seeing the world around me as totally and completely under God's watch and control every moment. I feel less lonely but a little scared. I also feel like I'm in love.
That's pretty much about it, as far as what's on my mind. Take care all.