Money is Hell
I am just so pissed off that I gotta rant. This is the poorest, shittiest time of my life. I've been out of school for an entire year, since my mom died, and I haven't been able to get a job during that whole time because *somebody* had to stay home and watch grandma. Sure, I've got a sister, but she's about as caring and responsible as a dead fish. So I'm alone to take care of the house and care for G-ma. I'll be going back to school in three weeks, and i'll get loans then, but not enough... You see i've accrued debt. Over the past year i've racked up 800 dollars in credit card debt just living. Dad provides the home and gives me an allowance, but it's not enough to pay all my bills and still afford to buy gas and a coffee once in a while. My bills are the unavoidable kind, like car insurance, gas, phone, car repairs, monthly account fee from my bank... yadda. I thought about cancelling the cell phone, but I've really got this great deal from when I got the phone 6 years ago... it's hard. I want to keep it. My friends ALWAYS buy a beer for me when we go out. I feel like such a loser. You know I can't buy a bag of flour for a fuck'n cookie-baking party tomorrow. Sure, i know that sounds like a lame event, but gaddamnit am i supposed to just sit in the house and WAIT the whole year? I hate to come to a party and have to explain all the time why I'm empty handed. It's been like this for a while, I just needed to blow off some steam. My clothes suck, cuz all I ever wear are old t-shirts and very old jeans... sexy right? That's why I'm not married at 28. I hate it every time I go out and all the othe girls look nice. Getting my hair cut for the first time in a year and a half this week set me back 25 bucks, and now I regret the expense. My checking account is 40 dollars inthe hole, and I've still got that damn credit card. You know I started using that card when I first left school, to buy Christmas presents for everyone. I was the only shopper at the time, and it was my mom's last Christmas. I went all out. Had to. ...and the debt has only grown since. In my mother's memory I did a cycling ride for AIDS across NY state, and I ended up spending a lot of my own personal money (and going into debt) over that too. I'm just so sick of being poor while seeing all my peers getting married and buying houses/cars/whatever. They get to fucking live and I don't.
So i asked my dad for money tonight. Normally, he gives me my allowance on Fridays, but this time he gave me 20 precious bucks short. It was already spent, having payed my credit bill online, so i asked for some money to actually 'have' for the weekend. ... Oh Hell Fucking no! That's the kind of reply I got. But you know what? My family is not actually poor, or at least we're not supposed to be.
It shouldn't be like this. Dad's just being his usual cheap self. This is what i get for only asking for the minimum I thought I could survive on in the beginning. I'm so sick of dealing with jobless living. I want respect, I want power, I want choice. I'm doing him a huge favor watching his aging mother... although I do care for her herself. I shouldn't be this constantly short on cash and stuck at home.
I need to get out at least once a week.
So i asked my dad for money tonight. Normally, he gives me my allowance on Fridays, but this time he gave me 20 precious bucks short. It was already spent, having payed my credit bill online, so i asked for some money to actually 'have' for the weekend. ... Oh Hell Fucking no! That's the kind of reply I got. But you know what? My family is not actually poor, or at least we're not supposed to be.
It shouldn't be like this. Dad's just being his usual cheap self. This is what i get for only asking for the minimum I thought I could survive on in the beginning. I'm so sick of dealing with jobless living. I want respect, I want power, I want choice. I'm doing him a huge favor watching his aging mother... although I do care for her herself. I shouldn't be this constantly short on cash and stuck at home.
I need to get out at least once a week.