By Darren Kane
INVOICE
May 15th, 2007
Attn: Most Selfish Chick Ever
121 East Bitch Street, Apt 2C
New York, NY 10028
Re: Payment for Temporary Boyfriend Services Rendered
Dear Female Psychopath,
It has come to my attention that after seven weeks of dating me, you have made a swift return to your old boyfriend, whom you had previously dated for three years.
Under relationship statute #3468, your “bounce-back” action grafts on to me the classification of Temporary Boyfriend -- in which case I reserve the right to bill you for services rendered during our seven week relationship. I am exercising that right with this invoice.
As you may infer from the above, had you left me for a subsequent male -- whom you previously did not have a romantic relationship with -- then this invoice would not have validity. However that is clearly not the case, as you have indeed returned to your ex-a-hole.
Please find below an itemized account of Temporary Boyfriend services rendered, and expected payment. I have totaled at the bottom not only for your convenience, but also because you’re a total fucking idiot:
Alcohol (Beer, Wine, Sangria, and whatever else you needed to cry in.) $300.00
Food (You seemed to crave everything, except for my cock.) $500.00
Movies (The pieces-of-shit you'd drag me to.) $150.00
Your Birthday (That happened to fall in the seven week dating window, which sucked.)
$200.00
Valentine's Day (That happened to also fall in the seven week dating window, which really fucking sucked.) $150.00
Morning-After Pill (Not my fault the condom broke. Was rough in there.) $80.00
Listening to your stupid-ass stories (Time is money.) $500.00
iTunes songs I bought for you (Your taste in music made me sick.) $75.00
Vomit clean-up (Because your taste in music made me sick. Literally.) $50.00
Shoulder to cry on (You still took him back. Are you fucking nuts?) $5,000.00
Total: $2,500,000
Please remit payment upon receipt of this invoice. Do not attempt to claim non-receipt, as surveillance equipment will confirm otherwise. I would sign off “Yours truly,” however I’m clearly not truly yours. Bitch.
May 15th, 2007
Attn: Most Selfish Chick Ever
121 East Bitch Street, Apt 2C
New York, NY 10028
Re: Payment for Temporary Boyfriend Services Rendered
Dear Female Psychopath,
It has come to my attention that after seven weeks of dating me, you have made a swift return to your old boyfriend, whom you had previously dated for three years.
Under relationship statute #3468, your “bounce-back” action grafts on to me the classification of Temporary Boyfriend -- in which case I reserve the right to bill you for services rendered during our seven week relationship. I am exercising that right with this invoice.
As you may infer from the above, had you left me for a subsequent male -- whom you previously did not have a romantic relationship with -- then this invoice would not have validity. However that is clearly not the case, as you have indeed returned to your ex-a-hole.
Please find below an itemized account of Temporary Boyfriend services rendered, and expected payment. I have totaled at the bottom not only for your convenience, but also because you’re a total fucking idiot:
Alcohol (Beer, Wine, Sangria, and whatever else you needed to cry in.) $300.00
Food (You seemed to crave everything, except for my cock.) $500.00
Movies (The pieces-of-shit you'd drag me to.) $150.00
Your Birthday (That happened to fall in the seven week dating window, which sucked.)
$200.00
Valentine's Day (That happened to also fall in the seven week dating window, which really fucking sucked.) $150.00
Morning-After Pill (Not my fault the condom broke. Was rough in there.) $80.00
Listening to your stupid-ass stories (Time is money.) $500.00
iTunes songs I bought for you (Your taste in music made me sick.) $75.00
Vomit clean-up (Because your taste in music made me sick. Literally.) $50.00
Shoulder to cry on (You still took him back. Are you fucking nuts?) $5,000.00
Total: $2,500,000
Please remit payment upon receipt of this invoice. Do not attempt to claim non-receipt, as surveillance equipment will confirm otherwise. I would sign off “Yours truly,” however I’m clearly not truly yours. Bitch.