SPN RPF ficlet: Jared/Jensen (PG-13)
...have some completely ridiculous J2 fic about a certain line from 5x04. I don't really feel like cleaning this up or giving it a title or anything, so beware the lack of beta'd-ness.
"Oh, fuck me."
"Was that a request?" Jared asks as he walks in the room. "'Cause you know I'm willing."
"No it wasn't, keep your pants on for now. Have you seen the whole script for the fourth episode yet?"
"No, I only looked at my scenes."
Jensen holds out the script. "Here. Halfway down the page."
Jared takes a minute to read the page in front of him, and then bursts out in uncontrollable laughter. "Panties? Really?"
"Shut up."
"Pink panties," he says between laughs. "Seriously? Pink satin panties."
"I have to say that line with a straight face."
"Pink satin panties and he liked it. Panties."
"If you don't shut up right now you are never getting laid again."
"Okay, okay. Shutting up. Jeeze."
Bringing the line to Jared's attention is Jensen's first mistake. His second mistake is thinking it'll end there.
* * * * *
Jared's in LA, the fucker. Jared is in LA, and Jensen is doing twice the work because there are two Deans and the whole thing is just a bitch to film and of course Jared doesn't have to be here for any of it. Jensen would kind of like to throw Jared's ass out a window for being lucky enough to avoid this, but he's actually kind of fond of Jared's ass and prefers it to be undamaged. So basically all Jensen can do to make Jared suffer for his fortune is to resolve to send him whiny texts every hour.
Jensen walks into makeup at ass-o-clock on Monday, and hanging there on the wall is something pretty much out of one of his weirder nightmares. It's a giant poster of his face photoshopped onto the body of some twink who is, of course, wearing bright pink panties. It's actually not a bad job - his head's actually in proportion, which is better than some of the stuff you can find on the scarier corners of the internet - but it's still slightly terrifying all the same, especially considering that the picture they used of him looks like he's about twelve years old.
He goes to tear it down before whole crew gets wind of it, and that's when he sees the note taped to the bottom: Hey there hot stuff! Lookin' good. ♥, Jared. Jensen rolls his eyes and balls the poster up - he would feel bad about destroying Jared's handiwork, but he's sure Jared's got another dozen of the things stashed away somewhere. He digs his phone out of his pocket and starts a new text message.
That was disturbing. I know you're useless with photoshop, who'd you get to do it?
I'll never tell! :-P
* * * * *
On Tuesday, they actually film that scene. It takes him about a million tries before he can say the line without cracking up, and by the end, he's got the whole crew glaring at him for screwing up so many times. So when they finally break, he's tired and cranky and maybe ready to punch Sera (he may have been taught never to hit a woman, but he's sure she's somehow responsible for that damned line). He stalks off the set and over to his trailer, ready to spend his entire break cursing all these weird, embarrassing turns his career seems to take.
Jensen opens the trailer door, and as he walks in, something soft falls down right on his head. He sputters, waving his hands in some kind of ridiculous flailing motion, until whatever fell on him goes to the floor.
Panties.
It's a bunch of panties, all different colors, some lacy, some satin, some indecently small. And, in fact, as Jensen looks up at the rest of his trailer, he realizes that the entire place is covered in them. There are more panties in Jensen's trailer than he'd find in the average Victoria's Secret. There are more panties in Jensen's trailer than he's ever even seen before.
He texts Jared, Dude, creeper much? No guy should be buying this much woman's underwear.
I guess you've seen your trailer redecoration? :D
You know you're going to pay for this.
Eh, it's worth it.
* * * * *
Thursday morning, when Jensen goes to get dressed, he finds all his boxers replaced with the panties from the day before. He calls Clif.
"How much did Jared pay you for all this?"
"I have no clue what you're talking about."
"Don't try to play innocent. I know he's got someone up here doing his dirty work. So how much did he pay you?"
"A hundred bucks for all three pranks."
"I'll pay you a hundred fifty to stop any other pranks he might have planned and tell me where the hell my underwear is."
"As long as you don't tell him I turned, you've got yourself a deal."
"Done."
"They're in one of the kitchen cabinets, behind the big frying pan."
"Thank you."
As Jensen digs out his boxers from the cabinet, he considers all the ways he can get back at Jared - withholding sex, more pranks, letting the dogs chew on his pillow… but really, there's only one method of revenge that would be appropriate. It might be embarrassing, and it might be a little of exactly what Jared wanted out of this whole thing, but it's the best retaliation he's got. He grabs his phone and one of the pairs of panties.
* * * * *
You have four new messages.
"Holy crap, Jensen. I mean, holy crap. I can't believe you actually put on those on. You look… fuck. C'mon, pick up your phone or I'm gonna jerk off without you." Beep.
"Man, you can't send me a picture like that and then not answer your phone! Seriously, Jensen, pick up. Please?" Beep.
"Look, I'm sorry about the pranks, just pick up now so we can phone sex. This is just cruel, Jensen. Please pick up your damned phone." Beep.
"I really, really hate you right now." Beep.
"Oh, fuck me."
"Was that a request?" Jared asks as he walks in the room. "'Cause you know I'm willing."
"No it wasn't, keep your pants on for now. Have you seen the whole script for the fourth episode yet?"
"No, I only looked at my scenes."
Jensen holds out the script. "Here. Halfway down the page."
Jared takes a minute to read the page in front of him, and then bursts out in uncontrollable laughter. "Panties? Really?"
"Shut up."
"Pink panties," he says between laughs. "Seriously? Pink satin panties."
"I have to say that line with a straight face."
"Pink satin panties and he liked it. Panties."
"If you don't shut up right now you are never getting laid again."
"Okay, okay. Shutting up. Jeeze."
Bringing the line to Jared's attention is Jensen's first mistake. His second mistake is thinking it'll end there.
* * * * *
Jared's in LA, the fucker. Jared is in LA, and Jensen is doing twice the work because there are two Deans and the whole thing is just a bitch to film and of course Jared doesn't have to be here for any of it. Jensen would kind of like to throw Jared's ass out a window for being lucky enough to avoid this, but he's actually kind of fond of Jared's ass and prefers it to be undamaged. So basically all Jensen can do to make Jared suffer for his fortune is to resolve to send him whiny texts every hour.
Jensen walks into makeup at ass-o-clock on Monday, and hanging there on the wall is something pretty much out of one of his weirder nightmares. It's a giant poster of his face photoshopped onto the body of some twink who is, of course, wearing bright pink panties. It's actually not a bad job - his head's actually in proportion, which is better than some of the stuff you can find on the scarier corners of the internet - but it's still slightly terrifying all the same, especially considering that the picture they used of him looks like he's about twelve years old.
He goes to tear it down before whole crew gets wind of it, and that's when he sees the note taped to the bottom: Hey there hot stuff! Lookin' good. ♥, Jared. Jensen rolls his eyes and balls the poster up - he would feel bad about destroying Jared's handiwork, but he's sure Jared's got another dozen of the things stashed away somewhere. He digs his phone out of his pocket and starts a new text message.
That was disturbing. I know you're useless with photoshop, who'd you get to do it?
I'll never tell! :-P
* * * * *
On Tuesday, they actually film that scene. It takes him about a million tries before he can say the line without cracking up, and by the end, he's got the whole crew glaring at him for screwing up so many times. So when they finally break, he's tired and cranky and maybe ready to punch Sera (he may have been taught never to hit a woman, but he's sure she's somehow responsible for that damned line). He stalks off the set and over to his trailer, ready to spend his entire break cursing all these weird, embarrassing turns his career seems to take.
Jensen opens the trailer door, and as he walks in, something soft falls down right on his head. He sputters, waving his hands in some kind of ridiculous flailing motion, until whatever fell on him goes to the floor.
Panties.
It's a bunch of panties, all different colors, some lacy, some satin, some indecently small. And, in fact, as Jensen looks up at the rest of his trailer, he realizes that the entire place is covered in them. There are more panties in Jensen's trailer than he'd find in the average Victoria's Secret. There are more panties in Jensen's trailer than he's ever even seen before.
He texts Jared, Dude, creeper much? No guy should be buying this much woman's underwear.
I guess you've seen your trailer redecoration? :D
You know you're going to pay for this.
Eh, it's worth it.
* * * * *
Thursday morning, when Jensen goes to get dressed, he finds all his boxers replaced with the panties from the day before. He calls Clif.
"How much did Jared pay you for all this?"
"I have no clue what you're talking about."
"Don't try to play innocent. I know he's got someone up here doing his dirty work. So how much did he pay you?"
"A hundred bucks for all three pranks."
"I'll pay you a hundred fifty to stop any other pranks he might have planned and tell me where the hell my underwear is."
"As long as you don't tell him I turned, you've got yourself a deal."
"Done."
"They're in one of the kitchen cabinets, behind the big frying pan."
"Thank you."
As Jensen digs out his boxers from the cabinet, he considers all the ways he can get back at Jared - withholding sex, more pranks, letting the dogs chew on his pillow… but really, there's only one method of revenge that would be appropriate. It might be embarrassing, and it might be a little of exactly what Jared wanted out of this whole thing, but it's the best retaliation he's got. He grabs his phone and one of the pairs of panties.
* * * * *
You have four new messages.
"Holy crap, Jensen. I mean, holy crap. I can't believe you actually put on those on. You look… fuck. C'mon, pick up your phone or I'm gonna jerk off without you." Beep.
"Man, you can't send me a picture like that and then not answer your phone! Seriously, Jensen, pick up. Please?" Beep.
"Look, I'm sorry about the pranks, just pick up now so we can phone sex. This is just cruel, Jensen. Please pick up your damned phone." Beep.
"I really, really hate you right now." Beep.