(no subject)
Ah life. Just keep throwing me curveballs, don't you? I have to believe in my heart that I have good things coming my way, otherwise things would be unbearable. Hope is what is fueling me right now. Not much else. Andrew asked me why I keep people at such an arm's length. I couldn't really answer that, except to say that evrytime I let someone in, I end up heartbroken. I realize that a huge part of living is trying and failing and falling and learning but it hurts so much to hurt like that. However, I could be missing so much. I fucked up so much with Luke..he is finishing his post-doc, existing in happy co-habitation and on his way to engagement. I will get a little crack in my already tarnished heart the day that I hear that news. It's like I have all of these opportunities to be happy and something inside of me will not allow me to allow myself to embrace it. I wish I could slap myself in the face and wake myself up.