IN TODAY'S WASHINGTON POST EXPRESS
TOP STORY
* This Story Not About Terri Schiavo
Pinellas Park, Fla.--In a shocking turn of events today, the world's media outlets have decided to run stories not related to the continuing Terri Schiavo saga on their front pages. It has now been twelve days since the feeding tube was removed from the terminal vegetable and unwitting cause celebre, and symbol, of the radical Christian Right. Her condition continues to deteriorate, making it ever-harder for her deluded parents, Bob and Mary Schindler, to fool themselves into thinking she is capable of recovery. Nevertheless the Schindlers and their supporters vowed to keep fighting to keep Schiavo alive against what are, as far as anyone can tell, her own wishes.
"Now is the time for the government to act," Mary Schindler said in a prepared statement. "I can't believe that the rule of law and due process would be allowed to prevail when my pretty white daughter's life is on the line!" Asked if she believed that Terri would have wanted to die in this situation, Schindler replied, "I'm sure she wouldn't have wanted to starve to death. She was bulimic, not anorexic."
Other supporters suggested that Florida Governor Jeb Bush should call out the national guard and invade the hospice where Schiavo is being kept, and use force of arms to reinsert the feeding tube. Bush could not be reached for comment, but has previously said that he doesn't want to do anything that might get him impeached.
Though Terri Schiavo is still not dead, the AP is reporting that other news is happening elsewhere in the world. Something in Iraq maybe? Who knows.
IN OTHER NEWS
* Uppity Negro Dead
* Fargo, ND Trying to Be All Cool
* Express Editors Geekier Than Willing to Admit to Selves
* Some Indian School Shooting Drama Or Something
* Different Uppity Negro All Up In Schiavo's Shit
* TRIAL OF THE MILLENNIUM!!! Only Page Three News
* Kids Fatter, Less Criminal Than 30 Years Ago
* Women Are People, Too, High Court Decides
* Scouting Official Arrested for Kiddie Porn; Thank Heaven Scouts Safe From Godless HomoFags, At Least
* Yet Another Uppity Negro Not Resigning Despite Doing Nothing Wrong
* Earthquake Doesn't Cause Tsunami; No One Cares
* Blockbuster to Refund Late Fees That Don't Exist Anymore
* Pretty White Girl Still Dead
* Bigot and Zealot Jerry Falwell Nears Death; God Reportedly "Pleased"
* Local Sports Team Swears It's Pretty Good
* OMG BASEBALL IN DC!!!
* Boring Car Stays That Way
* Movie With Sassy Black Women Not At All Stereotypical
* Backstreet's Back: Who Cares?!
* NBC Swears It's Not Dead Yet
* EXERCISE, GODDAMNIT
* Pinchot to Do Happy Dance On TV Again
* Japanese PM Koizumi and Richard Gere To Wed
* Olsen Twins Take Shit
FUNNY PAGE
* A dog and a toilet--it writes its own joke! With hilarious results.
* This Story Not About Terri Schiavo
Pinellas Park, Fla.--In a shocking turn of events today, the world's media outlets have decided to run stories not related to the continuing Terri Schiavo saga on their front pages. It has now been twelve days since the feeding tube was removed from the terminal vegetable and unwitting cause celebre, and symbol, of the radical Christian Right. Her condition continues to deteriorate, making it ever-harder for her deluded parents, Bob and Mary Schindler, to fool themselves into thinking she is capable of recovery. Nevertheless the Schindlers and their supporters vowed to keep fighting to keep Schiavo alive against what are, as far as anyone can tell, her own wishes.
"Now is the time for the government to act," Mary Schindler said in a prepared statement. "I can't believe that the rule of law and due process would be allowed to prevail when my pretty white daughter's life is on the line!" Asked if she believed that Terri would have wanted to die in this situation, Schindler replied, "I'm sure she wouldn't have wanted to starve to death. She was bulimic, not anorexic."
Other supporters suggested that Florida Governor Jeb Bush should call out the national guard and invade the hospice where Schiavo is being kept, and use force of arms to reinsert the feeding tube. Bush could not be reached for comment, but has previously said that he doesn't want to do anything that might get him impeached.
Though Terri Schiavo is still not dead, the AP is reporting that other news is happening elsewhere in the world. Something in Iraq maybe? Who knows.
IN OTHER NEWS
* Uppity Negro Dead
* Fargo, ND Trying to Be All Cool
* Express Editors Geekier Than Willing to Admit to Selves
* Some Indian School Shooting Drama Or Something
* Different Uppity Negro All Up In Schiavo's Shit
* TRIAL OF THE MILLENNIUM!!! Only Page Three News
* Kids Fatter, Less Criminal Than 30 Years Ago
* Women Are People, Too, High Court Decides
* Scouting Official Arrested for Kiddie Porn; Thank Heaven Scouts Safe From Godless HomoFags, At Least
* Yet Another Uppity Negro Not Resigning Despite Doing Nothing Wrong
* Earthquake Doesn't Cause Tsunami; No One Cares
* Blockbuster to Refund Late Fees That Don't Exist Anymore
* Pretty White Girl Still Dead
* Bigot and Zealot Jerry Falwell Nears Death; God Reportedly "Pleased"
* Local Sports Team Swears It's Pretty Good
* OMG BASEBALL IN DC!!!
* Boring Car Stays That Way
* Movie With Sassy Black Women Not At All Stereotypical
* Backstreet's Back: Who Cares?!
* NBC Swears It's Not Dead Yet
* EXERCISE, GODDAMNIT
* Pinchot to Do Happy Dance On TV Again
* Japanese PM Koizumi and Richard Gere To Wed
* Olsen Twins Take Shit
FUNNY PAGE
* A dog and a toilet--it writes its own joke! With hilarious results.