IN TODAY'S WASHINGTON POST EXPRESS
TOP STORY
* TERRORISTS ATTACK SELVES!
Seoul, South Korea--A fiery explosion created when two full fuel trains collided destroyed a North Korean railroad station, spreading debris over a ten mile radius, and killed somewhere between 0 and 3,000 people, according to North Korean News Services. Though international phone lines and information sources were cut off to prevent news of the explosion getting to the outside world, because as every knows nothing bad has ever happened in North Korea, government spokespeople were quick to blame North Korean terrorists, whose goal is to spread terror and havoc and terror.
"These scoundrels, who were certainly not in the employ of the People's Government, will be apprehended and honor--I mean, dealt with accordingly," said a spokesman for North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il, widely recognized as the inventor of outer space.
Reacting quickly to the tragedy, the North Korean government passed a security bill, called Patriot Act IX, which removed the last civil rights enjoyed by North Koreans: the right to walk without a permit, and the right to sing any song not written by Kim. "In this way, we will encourage the spirit of the Korean people to flourish in socialist brotherhood," explained the spokesperson. "Since we don't have any firefighting or emergency equipment of any kind, these restrictions will keep panic from rising until the fires burn themselves out."
North Korea, which had been reeling from bad PR due to its unwillingness to give up its nuclear program despite constant bribes from overly-credulous foreigners and the starving populace, was flooded with sympathy cards from world leaders, which should be delivered by the State Postal Service sometime in 2007. Hoping to capitalize in this goodwill, the government announced plans to invade the completely uninvolved Sultanate of Brunei, unless that rogue nation gives up all of its time-travel devices and nuclear space lasers.
The Sultan of Brunei, holed up in his state-of-the-art Bunker of Non-Involvement, could not be reached for comment.
IN OTHER NEWS
* Soldier Actually Returns From Iraq
* Your Crappy Commute Soon To Be More Expensive!
* British Phone Booths Take Nap
* German Postal Worker Down Wit' OPP
* Terror Goose Makes Monkey Of Man
* "Math Is Hard," Say Math Experts; Barbie Vindicated
* Daughter Of Senator "So Bored" On Take Your Child To Work Day
* You're Still Not Safe From Another 9/11! Which Was Neither Foreseeable Nor Preventable
* Oh, Man, Does USA Today Suck
* Congress Morbid, But Prepared, For Once
* US Forces Commence "Operation Stern Warning" In Fallujah
* Iraqi Coalition To Rehire Baathists; "Mass-Murderers Had Right Idea"
* SARS Was Just Resting, But It's Back Now
* Edgy Arafat Models New Head Scarf
* THIS JUST IN: Princess Diana IS STILL DEAD
* So Is Lenin
* Water Report: You Still Have Lead Poisoning
* Report: Stay Home Sick More Often
* Ginsburg, Stevens Ditch Supreme Court For Super Court
* FOOTBALL!! Is Still Four Months Away
* Jennifer Garner Has Breasts, To Her Surprise
* "Man On Fire" Should Be Set On Fire
* DO SOMETHING THE WEEKEND, LAZY-ASS
* Buffy Fans Still Unhealthily Obsessed With Spike
* Natalie Portman Eats Ugandan Baby
* Rowan Atkinson: "I'M NOT FUCKING DEPRESSED, ASSHOLE!"
FUNNY PAGE
* Man is total baby! With hilarious results.
CROSSWORD PUZZLE REPORT
* Boastful Street Kid: BRAGAMUFFIN
* German Export: AUDI
* TERRORISTS ATTACK SELVES!
Seoul, South Korea--A fiery explosion created when two full fuel trains collided destroyed a North Korean railroad station, spreading debris over a ten mile radius, and killed somewhere between 0 and 3,000 people, according to North Korean News Services. Though international phone lines and information sources were cut off to prevent news of the explosion getting to the outside world, because as every knows nothing bad has ever happened in North Korea, government spokespeople were quick to blame North Korean terrorists, whose goal is to spread terror and havoc and terror.
"These scoundrels, who were certainly not in the employ of the People's Government, will be apprehended and honor--I mean, dealt with accordingly," said a spokesman for North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il, widely recognized as the inventor of outer space.
Reacting quickly to the tragedy, the North Korean government passed a security bill, called Patriot Act IX, which removed the last civil rights enjoyed by North Koreans: the right to walk without a permit, and the right to sing any song not written by Kim. "In this way, we will encourage the spirit of the Korean people to flourish in socialist brotherhood," explained the spokesperson. "Since we don't have any firefighting or emergency equipment of any kind, these restrictions will keep panic from rising until the fires burn themselves out."
North Korea, which had been reeling from bad PR due to its unwillingness to give up its nuclear program despite constant bribes from overly-credulous foreigners and the starving populace, was flooded with sympathy cards from world leaders, which should be delivered by the State Postal Service sometime in 2007. Hoping to capitalize in this goodwill, the government announced plans to invade the completely uninvolved Sultanate of Brunei, unless that rogue nation gives up all of its time-travel devices and nuclear space lasers.
The Sultan of Brunei, holed up in his state-of-the-art Bunker of Non-Involvement, could not be reached for comment.
IN OTHER NEWS
* Soldier Actually Returns From Iraq
* Your Crappy Commute Soon To Be More Expensive!
* British Phone Booths Take Nap
* German Postal Worker Down Wit' OPP
* Terror Goose Makes Monkey Of Man
* "Math Is Hard," Say Math Experts; Barbie Vindicated
* Daughter Of Senator "So Bored" On Take Your Child To Work Day
* You're Still Not Safe From Another 9/11! Which Was Neither Foreseeable Nor Preventable
* Oh, Man, Does USA Today Suck
* Congress Morbid, But Prepared, For Once
* US Forces Commence "Operation Stern Warning" In Fallujah
* Iraqi Coalition To Rehire Baathists; "Mass-Murderers Had Right Idea"
* SARS Was Just Resting, But It's Back Now
* Edgy Arafat Models New Head Scarf
* THIS JUST IN: Princess Diana IS STILL DEAD
* So Is Lenin
* Water Report: You Still Have Lead Poisoning
* Report: Stay Home Sick More Often
* Ginsburg, Stevens Ditch Supreme Court For Super Court
* FOOTBALL!! Is Still Four Months Away
* Jennifer Garner Has Breasts, To Her Surprise
* "Man On Fire" Should Be Set On Fire
* DO SOMETHING THE WEEKEND, LAZY-ASS
* Buffy Fans Still Unhealthily Obsessed With Spike
* Natalie Portman Eats Ugandan Baby
* Rowan Atkinson: "I'M NOT FUCKING DEPRESSED, ASSHOLE!"
FUNNY PAGE
* Man is total baby! With hilarious results.
CROSSWORD PUZZLE REPORT
* Boastful Street Kid: BRAGAMUFFIN
* German Export: AUDI