IN TODAY'S WASHINGTON POST EXPRESS
TOP STORY
* U.S.: Vengeance Will Be Ours
Fallujah, Iraq--The day after the grisly murder of four U.S. civilian contractors, an unpleasant reminder of another abject foreign policy failure in Somalia, Administration and military officials promised that America would take its revenge on the people of Fallujah. Though American troops did not enter the city on Thursday, they awaited but the command to visit the "overwhelming" punishment which the godless darkies so obviously deserve.
Brigadier General Mark Kimmit promised that the retribution would be swift, effective, and at a time and place of America's choosing. "We were thinking maybe early next week? We'll let you guys know. Oh, but, no cameras."
"The murderers and their friends and families and neighbors and people they sort of know, all of them, all will pay," cackled L. Paul Bremer, unelected major domo for the occupied territories, from his secret mountain lair. "Our justice will be swift and thoroughly destructive. The people of Lidice will long rue the day they dared cross L. Paul Bremer!"
"Uh, did I say Lidice? I mean Fallujah. Sorry."
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* Wow, Those Iraq Photos We Printed Sure Were Gross, Weren't They?
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* Google Reinvents Email Somehow
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FUNNY PAGE
* Dog is more religious than man who makes miserable attempt at pun! With hilarious results.
CROSSWORD PUZZLE REPORT
* Kind Of Credit: EXTRA
* Book Containing Legends: ATLAS
* Jack-Tar: GOB
* U.S.: Vengeance Will Be Ours
Fallujah, Iraq--The day after the grisly murder of four U.S. civilian contractors, an unpleasant reminder of another abject foreign policy failure in Somalia, Administration and military officials promised that America would take its revenge on the people of Fallujah. Though American troops did not enter the city on Thursday, they awaited but the command to visit the "overwhelming" punishment which the godless darkies so obviously deserve.
Brigadier General Mark Kimmit promised that the retribution would be swift, effective, and at a time and place of America's choosing. "We were thinking maybe early next week? We'll let you guys know. Oh, but, no cameras."
"The murderers and their friends and families and neighbors and people they sort of know, all of them, all will pay," cackled L. Paul Bremer, unelected major domo for the occupied territories, from his secret mountain lair. "Our justice will be swift and thoroughly destructive. The people of Lidice will long rue the day they dared cross L. Paul Bremer!"
"Uh, did I say Lidice? I mean Fallujah. Sorry."
IN OTHER NEWS
* Planes From National Now Fly Useful Places
* British Swear Plutonium/Chicken Nuclear Weapon Makes Total Sense
* Aluminum Foil Prank So Last Month
* Why Ohio Sucks This Week: Police Decide Spanking Is Perfect Punishment For Speeders
* Fetuses Now Have More Rights Than You
* Missing Pretty White Girl Found, Thank God!
* Wow, Those Iraq Photos We Printed Sure Were Gross, Weren't They?
* Here Are Some More!
* List Of Still Fucked Countries: Iraq, Uzbekistan
* It Was Bound To Happen: Marxists Rounded Up As Terrorists
* Metro, Water Service Still Suck, Still Getting More Expensive
* Google Reinvents Email Somehow
* Fourteen Year Old Is Savior Of US Soccer; Kind Of A Small, Black, Soccer-Playing Joe Gibbs
* Men, Women To Finally Stop Playing College Basketball After This Weekend
* Cubs Pegged As Division Favorite: HAW HAW HAW
* Sports Editor Runs Amok, Takes Up Five Pages
* New Rock Movie Terrible, What A Complete Shock
* Talking Cow Movie Evokes Predictable "Udder" Pun
* A Rags-To-Riches Movie About American Yokel, European Prince? HOW ORIGINAL
* Cat Basketball Team Probably Better Than Local Team
* If We Have To Hear That "Simpsons Strike For More D'Oh" Joke Once More We Swear To God We Will Scream
* You've Been Punk'd: Punk'd To Return To Air
* Fox Just Ripping Itself Off Now
FUNNY PAGE
* Dog is more religious than man who makes miserable attempt at pun! With hilarious results.
CROSSWORD PUZZLE REPORT
* Kind Of Credit: EXTRA
* Book Containing Legends: ATLAS
* Jack-Tar: GOB