IN TODAY'S WASHINGTON POST EXPRESS
TOP STORY
* Spain: "Terrorism Works"
Madrid, Spain--Three days after terrorist blasts set by, oh, someone, killed 200 and wounded more than a thousand more, Spaniard declared loudly that terrorism works. In turning out the ruling Popular Party in favor of the Socialist Party, whose leader, Rodrigo Zapato, has declared that Spain will withdraw its troops from Iraq, Spaniards have willingly and happily given in to the wishes of the people who set the bombs.
"Oh, I was scared witless," said a Spanish voter. "And I figured the best way to make sure that I'm not the target of a terrorist is to make sure that we give in to their every demand."
Pre-election polls had favored the hand-picked successor of outgoing Prime Minster Jose Maria Aznar and his Popular Party, but the terror blasts, along with a deep dissatisfaction with Spain's compliance with America's disastrous and counter-productive terrorism policies, helped turn the advantage into a deficit.
"In fact," said Mariano Rajoy, the man who would be Prime Minister, "this election just showed to fucked the world truly is, when the only choice the Spanish voters had was between letting the terrorists have their way, or else continuing to support the inane and destructive plans of the American President. Isn't there some other option? Wouldn't a unified international response to an international problem be the best way of dealing with this issue? Rather than letting U.S. policy be so divisive that we're constant making choices between 'Bad' and 'Worse'? And how did I get on this soapbox? Sorry."
"Godfuckingdamn I hope Kerry wins in November," he concluded. "But don't tell Colin Powell I said that."
IN OTHER NEWS
* Krispy Kreme To Introduce Diet Fat
* Terror Zombie Lobsters For Dinner!
* Man Paints Balls For Fun
* Man Preserves Sanctity of Marriage By Killing Whole Family Of Whom Two Were Probably Daughters By His Other Daughters And Also Having Multiple Wives; Did We Mention He Was Straight? Until He Killed Himself And Everyone He Knows, We Mean
* This Is Why No One Goes To Fresno Anymore
* Iraq War Totally Justified Despite Being Based On Complete Lies, Says Administration
* Dean: "Kerry Would Make Better President Than Bush, But So Would A Ham Sandwich"
* Churches Still Hate Gays For No Particular Reason, Ohio Episcopals Confirm
* Metajournalism: Don't Trust This Article
* Russian Incumbent Wins Re-Election WHAT A TOTAL SHOCK
* More Death In Middle East; Iraq Fucked, Peace Process Stalled AGAIN
* This Is The Safer World Of The Bush Administration, People; Look Ye, And Weep
* TERROR CICADAS ARE COMING HIDE THE CHILDREN
* Baltimore Drowning Victims Still Dead
* Wow, Getting A Job Is Hard
* Local Team Beats Non-Local Team
* Boxer Wears Championship Belt Around Neck
* Unimportant Hockey Game Between Two Non-Local Teams Makes News For Some Reason
* A Whole Page Dedicated To The 2004 College Basketball Bracket! Thanks, Express!
* Movie Studios Hope Marketing Will Fill Theater Seats; Downplay Role of Good Movies
* Another Bitchy Inside-Look Novel Soon To Be Bestseller
* No News At All Between Pages 19 and 26
* Every Ugly Blond In Creation On Today's People Page
* Snoop Aims To Play Orthodontist In Next Film Role
* Lisa Marie Presley Tries To Be Ice Cream Cone; Feels Nothing
FUNNY PAGE
* Dog makes predictable pun! With hilarious results.
CROSSWORD PUZZLE REPORT
* Cause Of Thuds For Suds: LISP
* Hook Partner: SMEE
* Spain: "Terrorism Works"
Madrid, Spain--Three days after terrorist blasts set by, oh, someone, killed 200 and wounded more than a thousand more, Spaniard declared loudly that terrorism works. In turning out the ruling Popular Party in favor of the Socialist Party, whose leader, Rodrigo Zapato, has declared that Spain will withdraw its troops from Iraq, Spaniards have willingly and happily given in to the wishes of the people who set the bombs.
"Oh, I was scared witless," said a Spanish voter. "And I figured the best way to make sure that I'm not the target of a terrorist is to make sure that we give in to their every demand."
Pre-election polls had favored the hand-picked successor of outgoing Prime Minster Jose Maria Aznar and his Popular Party, but the terror blasts, along with a deep dissatisfaction with Spain's compliance with America's disastrous and counter-productive terrorism policies, helped turn the advantage into a deficit.
"In fact," said Mariano Rajoy, the man who would be Prime Minister, "this election just showed to fucked the world truly is, when the only choice the Spanish voters had was between letting the terrorists have their way, or else continuing to support the inane and destructive plans of the American President. Isn't there some other option? Wouldn't a unified international response to an international problem be the best way of dealing with this issue? Rather than letting U.S. policy be so divisive that we're constant making choices between 'Bad' and 'Worse'? And how did I get on this soapbox? Sorry."
"Godfuckingdamn I hope Kerry wins in November," he concluded. "But don't tell Colin Powell I said that."
IN OTHER NEWS
* Krispy Kreme To Introduce Diet Fat
* Terror Zombie Lobsters For Dinner!
* Man Paints Balls For Fun
* Man Preserves Sanctity of Marriage By Killing Whole Family Of Whom Two Were Probably Daughters By His Other Daughters And Also Having Multiple Wives; Did We Mention He Was Straight? Until He Killed Himself And Everyone He Knows, We Mean
* This Is Why No One Goes To Fresno Anymore
* Iraq War Totally Justified Despite Being Based On Complete Lies, Says Administration
* Dean: "Kerry Would Make Better President Than Bush, But So Would A Ham Sandwich"
* Churches Still Hate Gays For No Particular Reason, Ohio Episcopals Confirm
* Metajournalism: Don't Trust This Article
* Russian Incumbent Wins Re-Election WHAT A TOTAL SHOCK
* More Death In Middle East; Iraq Fucked, Peace Process Stalled AGAIN
* This Is The Safer World Of The Bush Administration, People; Look Ye, And Weep
* TERROR CICADAS ARE COMING HIDE THE CHILDREN
* Baltimore Drowning Victims Still Dead
* Wow, Getting A Job Is Hard
* Local Team Beats Non-Local Team
* Boxer Wears Championship Belt Around Neck
* Unimportant Hockey Game Between Two Non-Local Teams Makes News For Some Reason
* A Whole Page Dedicated To The 2004 College Basketball Bracket! Thanks, Express!
* Movie Studios Hope Marketing Will Fill Theater Seats; Downplay Role of Good Movies
* Another Bitchy Inside-Look Novel Soon To Be Bestseller
* No News At All Between Pages 19 and 26
* Every Ugly Blond In Creation On Today's People Page
* Snoop Aims To Play Orthodontist In Next Film Role
* Lisa Marie Presley Tries To Be Ice Cream Cone; Feels Nothing
FUNNY PAGE
* Dog makes predictable pun! With hilarious results.
CROSSWORD PUZZLE REPORT
* Cause Of Thuds For Suds: LISP
* Hook Partner: SMEE