From the Archives: The Christmas Police - A Love Story
The Christmas Police - A Love Story
'Twas the morning of Christmas, the night was over;
The grown-ups were nursing a king-sized hangover.
I had waited for Santa, but now I was pissed.
My father was right--he didn't exist.
Then out in the driveway, there came such a clatter,
Dad took down his shotgun to see what was the matter.
A pounding and thumping began at the gate,
So I knew that Santa'd just been late.
He was clad all in blue from bottom to top;
This Santa was dressed like a big Irish cop!
A big old Beretta hung round his big gut,
And his nose was as red as a baboon's butt.
He kicked the door in. "Santa!" I cried with joy,
But Santa had collared the Pizza Hut boy (1).
"Who's ordering pizza on my special day?
Roast turkey and gravy is the only legal way!"
But Dad grabbed the food from the pizza boy's grip,
And sent him away without giving a tip.
Santa exclaimed as we sat down to feast,
"Freeze, turkeys! I'm the Christmas police!"
And out of his squad he pulled a great bird,
And wrung its long neck without saying a word.
He nuked it on high 30 seconds at least (2)
And served it at table and said "Eat *this* beast!"
Dad started to say, "I want my lawyer",
But he was looking the wrong way down the cop's .44. (3)
"No excuses allowed!", said Santa with a grin,
"You must eat turkey until the floor caves in."
But Dad had finished a keg the night before---
One whiff of roast turkey, and he barfed on the floor.
Officer Nick bellowed as he see-cured the scene,
"Disrespect for Christmas gets you ten to fifteen!"
So have a Merry Christmas--IT'S THE LAW! (4)
(c) WRP 1999 (5)
Brought to you as a public service by
Industrial Strength Poetry, Division of
Custom Sensor Solution, Inc.
"Dedicated to the primacy of content over art."
Notes and Disclaimers
Note 1: Yeah, I know Pizza Hut doesn't deliver.
Note 2: It is considered unsafe to cook turkey to an
internal temperature less than 170 F.
Note 3: Yes, I also know Beretta doesn't make a .44.
Note 4: Also have a decadent New Year.
Note 5: Who disclaims any responsibility on the grounds
of being hopped up on cold medications.
'Twas the morning of Christmas, the night was over;
The grown-ups were nursing a king-sized hangover.
I had waited for Santa, but now I was pissed.
My father was right--he didn't exist.
Then out in the driveway, there came such a clatter,
Dad took down his shotgun to see what was the matter.
A pounding and thumping began at the gate,
So I knew that Santa'd just been late.
He was clad all in blue from bottom to top;
This Santa was dressed like a big Irish cop!
A big old Beretta hung round his big gut,
And his nose was as red as a baboon's butt.
He kicked the door in. "Santa!" I cried with joy,
But Santa had collared the Pizza Hut boy (1).
"Who's ordering pizza on my special day?
Roast turkey and gravy is the only legal way!"
But Dad grabbed the food from the pizza boy's grip,
And sent him away without giving a tip.
Santa exclaimed as we sat down to feast,
"Freeze, turkeys! I'm the Christmas police!"
And out of his squad he pulled a great bird,
And wrung its long neck without saying a word.
He nuked it on high 30 seconds at least (2)
And served it at table and said "Eat *this* beast!"
Dad started to say, "I want my lawyer",
But he was looking the wrong way down the cop's .44. (3)
"No excuses allowed!", said Santa with a grin,
"You must eat turkey until the floor caves in."
But Dad had finished a keg the night before---
One whiff of roast turkey, and he barfed on the floor.
Officer Nick bellowed as he see-cured the scene,
"Disrespect for Christmas gets you ten to fifteen!"
So have a Merry Christmas--IT'S THE LAW! (4)
(c) WRP 1999 (5)
Brought to you as a public service by
Industrial Strength Poetry, Division of
Custom Sensor Solution, Inc.
"Dedicated to the primacy of content over art."
Notes and Disclaimers
Note 1: Yeah, I know Pizza Hut doesn't deliver.
Note 2: It is considered unsafe to cook turkey to an
internal temperature less than 170 F.
Note 3: Yes, I also know Beretta doesn't make a .44.
Note 4: Also have a decadent New Year.
Note 5: Who disclaims any responsibility on the grounds
of being hopped up on cold medications.