my thoughts on college go as so;
college will be amazing. no more amelians. no more bullshit "so and so said shit about so and so" and "he/she acted like someone else on the phone/internet" and "you could tell he likes her you see how much they talk online" and "so and so is in his top friends and so and so isnt." etc. etc. no more fucking liars and bitches and assholes and liars. yeah, no more liars. i'm going to dominate all of my classes and not have a job and party some but not revolve my life around it. i'm going to be completely mature in all the right situations and handle myself like a competent young adult. i'm also going to find someone and be engaged by the time i graduate and my life will be at least perfect.
but then i think about things that will go wrong.
i meet all these new people and they all seem sweet, and then after a few months they all start fucking me over. or being stupid. or wasting my time. what if i meet a whole new crowd of people that are exactly like the people i've learned hard lessons from, here? sometimes this seriously scares me so much that i don't even want to go. i feel like i've gotten people here figured out pretty well for myself. i know what i think about everyone from school, work, random meetings, etc. i know if i think they're shitty and why, and i know why i like the people i do, too. do i really feel like going through all that again? im the first one to admit that im completely bitter about how some of my relationships have gone throughout the past few years. and i'm not even talking about dating, for the most part. it's just [sadly] amazing about how people that you feel like you know better than anyone, people you consider to be your 'other half' type of friends, turn out differently than you would have ever thought. you find out that theyll proritize their significant other before you, or that they'll say one thing but feel and do another, or let you down. which leads to finding out that maybe the friendship that you cared so much about wasn't something they needed, too. it's almost like an ugly break up, but it just happens slower and then hits you all at once later. and, it's not like i dont like meeting new people, i do. but it's a lot easier to only meet a few at a time. being constantly surrounded by new people in my life is kind of terrifying. i know, how ridculous is that? being afraid of people you don't even know yet? crazy. it's just so weird to think about how well things could go if i could just hang on to the people i've kept around and found to be dependable. i keep saying how i dont know what my life is going to be like without some of my best friends. i know it will go on, and im probably going to be more upset about it before it even happens. more now than when i'm out introducing myself to a hundred strangers every night, and maybe remembering two or three by the next day. im terrible with names, too. knowing that the drama, and lies and stupid shit continues into college is something that makes me really reluctant, too. i guess it's just one of those things.
ill settle for most of the first scenario and a little of the second, just to be realistic.
this entry is ridiculous long. sorrry.
but then i think about things that will go wrong.
i meet all these new people and they all seem sweet, and then after a few months they all start fucking me over. or being stupid. or wasting my time. what if i meet a whole new crowd of people that are exactly like the people i've learned hard lessons from, here? sometimes this seriously scares me so much that i don't even want to go. i feel like i've gotten people here figured out pretty well for myself. i know what i think about everyone from school, work, random meetings, etc. i know if i think they're shitty and why, and i know why i like the people i do, too. do i really feel like going through all that again? im the first one to admit that im completely bitter about how some of my relationships have gone throughout the past few years. and i'm not even talking about dating, for the most part. it's just [sadly] amazing about how people that you feel like you know better than anyone, people you consider to be your 'other half' type of friends, turn out differently than you would have ever thought. you find out that theyll proritize their significant other before you, or that they'll say one thing but feel and do another, or let you down. which leads to finding out that maybe the friendship that you cared so much about wasn't something they needed, too. it's almost like an ugly break up, but it just happens slower and then hits you all at once later. and, it's not like i dont like meeting new people, i do. but it's a lot easier to only meet a few at a time. being constantly surrounded by new people in my life is kind of terrifying. i know, how ridculous is that? being afraid of people you don't even know yet? crazy. it's just so weird to think about how well things could go if i could just hang on to the people i've kept around and found to be dependable. i keep saying how i dont know what my life is going to be like without some of my best friends. i know it will go on, and im probably going to be more upset about it before it even happens. more now than when i'm out introducing myself to a hundred strangers every night, and maybe remembering two or three by the next day. im terrible with names, too. knowing that the drama, and lies and stupid shit continues into college is something that makes me really reluctant, too. i guess it's just one of those things.
ill settle for most of the first scenario and a little of the second, just to be realistic.
this entry is ridiculous long. sorrry.