A final farwell, and the lessons learned....
After having the conversation I just did, I feel better. Reverse psychology, never fails to get aid in retreiving answers that would normally not be given. Although nothing that was said I didn't already know. You are right my feelings are gone! Hearing what I did, makes it even that much more meaningless. It puts it all into perspective, like I said I am very strong willed. I needed to do it! I needed to really see how crazy and meaningless it all really was. I want to get angry but I cannot. It is just so pathetic. That doesn't mean however I am not allowed to be disappointed. I feel as though I wasted so much of my time. No, I know I did!
You give it all up. You loose it all. And then you gain the world! You gain the peace you could never fully grasp, the understanding of why, the wisdom to see through the facade', the strength to walk away, the courage to ask the questions, the love to give compassion, and the humility to not care how stupid you might have looked in doing so, the mercy to get up the next morning and try again, the faith to believe in, the joy to cover everything, and the promise of a love everlasting. Although I will say there is no longer any guilt. What is there to feel bad about when you gained the world and lost all that seeks to steal, kill and destroy. Life will trick you, it will lie to you, it will pull you down. God however will never fail you, but love you to pieces and pull you back up.
When you realize the world isn't going to change, it's up to you to not conform to the world. If you fall you get back up and try agian. If you stand you stand on the promise that God will get you through, and if you cannot you'll just fall on the grace that first brought you to HIM. Falling is ok, I've learned that. I have also learned that it's ok to make mistakes, if you learn from them. I have been so hard on myself for too long. God understands me, he loves me. It was ok! All of it was apart of the plan. It's ok that I was lied to, fooled, whatever...it's ok. It does not matter anymore. It was not love will never be love, and I am thankful for that.
God has saved me in ways that I am so thankful for. It brings me to tears to think of how much I owe him, how soverign he is. I should be kissing him feet! Can I just cry for a minute? HE IS SO GOOD! SO GOOD! IT IS SO GOOD! I cannot tell you how madly in love I am. I am so in love! I have fallen in love, head over heals...with a musician, a skillful craftsmen, and creator of love. He has given me more than I could ever ask for. He has loved me when was near unlovable. He has rocked me to sleep on restless nights. He "sings to me of the plans that he has for me over again"! Then I can lay my head back down and well you know the song...and I can pray, "to be only YOURS I pray to be only YOURS I pray!" But I am only his! I love that! That is the best part.
I feel so incredibly loved....I have never felt so strong a love until this very moment. I am far from kidding! I feel an amazing amount of love, massive amounts! I don't deserve it, but he doesn't care. Christianity is the only religion that offers unconditional love for free. You do not have to earn it! It is just there, you just have to believe. All other religions you must earn and work for but it's never even for love...but for things such as class stature or acceptance. For things such as "pure bliss" "nirvana". For things such as a new creation in a different life...if you are good! If you meet the status quo'.
But God, Abba, he just gives you love. There is nothing you have to do to even earn it. No one is perfect and no one needs to be, that is why Jesus came and died. He bridged the gap. So I could mess up the way I did, the way I do, the way I always will. And it's ok! Because his love is free and unconditional. He offers eternal life, a relationship, a best friend, a love. No other religion does that! Do you ever wonder why people take "OUR GODS" name in vain? I never hear anyone shouting..."OH BUDDA" "OH MUHAMMAD"...hmm think about it? These things remind me of how I am not created for this world. I long to go home! I want to be in heaven so badly. Take this world from me, because I don't need it. I hate the pain I see, I hate the lies I hear. I want to fix it all! I'm sure God cries all the time. I know he must he is a GOd that feels, just like we do. He must hurt so badly when he sees the pain this world has brought upon itself. May please go home? "THe letter said that you were leaving but you didn't know how long. If it's one day or a million I will wait for you till then."
So you see, it's all ok, because I have all I need for Joy! So with that I'm afraid this will be my last post. My thoughts are not for the public, but for my own private holding. They are the cries of my heart. Of course I will share them just not in such a manner to where they can be read by the likes of anyone. I have loved keeping this journal. It has become a part of my daily routine, my release. It has served great a purpose. If any have been uplifted that is all that matters. A part of me wishes to one day write in it again. Perhaps...mayhaps(suz) Although it has served as an eye to a part of my life that no longer exists that no longer needs to view. He himself must let go.
With that said... "I eagerly expect and hope that I will no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exhalted in my body whether by LIFE OR BY DEATH for TO ME to LIVE IS CHRIST and to DIE IS GAIN." Philippians 1:20-21 This was writen by Paul, who I am most alike, once Saul. He wrote it to the church Philipi. He was a killer of Christians until he one day he was blinded and healed and then believed. He began by building churches all over the east. He was wanted and hunted, but he still pressed on. He was once an murderer of christians, the shame he must have carried. Do you think he ever preached to children he made orphans? I do! The strength this man of God was given was massive. Paul was placed in prison and beheaded...this passage was writen from his cellar. Don't believe me? Well it's proven! Just like the rest of the scrolls. Oh and by the way there was a man murdered on a cross...it is also proven! Either Jesus is the son of God or he wasn't. He was either insane or he was who he said he was. He was and is and will always be.... Paul knew this, he knew that for him to live meant to live for Christ and to die would be sher gain! From everlasting to everlasting....
To him who is able to keep you from falling, and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy-to the only God, our Saviour, be glory, majesty, power and authority through Christ Jesus our Lord. Through all ages, now forver more Amen! Doxology, Jude 1:24-25
This is my offering....
Forever, For always, no matter what
~Lauren
You give it all up. You loose it all. And then you gain the world! You gain the peace you could never fully grasp, the understanding of why, the wisdom to see through the facade', the strength to walk away, the courage to ask the questions, the love to give compassion, and the humility to not care how stupid you might have looked in doing so, the mercy to get up the next morning and try again, the faith to believe in, the joy to cover everything, and the promise of a love everlasting. Although I will say there is no longer any guilt. What is there to feel bad about when you gained the world and lost all that seeks to steal, kill and destroy. Life will trick you, it will lie to you, it will pull you down. God however will never fail you, but love you to pieces and pull you back up.
When you realize the world isn't going to change, it's up to you to not conform to the world. If you fall you get back up and try agian. If you stand you stand on the promise that God will get you through, and if you cannot you'll just fall on the grace that first brought you to HIM. Falling is ok, I've learned that. I have also learned that it's ok to make mistakes, if you learn from them. I have been so hard on myself for too long. God understands me, he loves me. It was ok! All of it was apart of the plan. It's ok that I was lied to, fooled, whatever...it's ok. It does not matter anymore. It was not love will never be love, and I am thankful for that.
God has saved me in ways that I am so thankful for. It brings me to tears to think of how much I owe him, how soverign he is. I should be kissing him feet! Can I just cry for a minute? HE IS SO GOOD! SO GOOD! IT IS SO GOOD! I cannot tell you how madly in love I am. I am so in love! I have fallen in love, head over heals...with a musician, a skillful craftsmen, and creator of love. He has given me more than I could ever ask for. He has loved me when was near unlovable. He has rocked me to sleep on restless nights. He "sings to me of the plans that he has for me over again"! Then I can lay my head back down and well you know the song...and I can pray, "to be only YOURS I pray to be only YOURS I pray!" But I am only his! I love that! That is the best part.
I feel so incredibly loved....I have never felt so strong a love until this very moment. I am far from kidding! I feel an amazing amount of love, massive amounts! I don't deserve it, but he doesn't care. Christianity is the only religion that offers unconditional love for free. You do not have to earn it! It is just there, you just have to believe. All other religions you must earn and work for but it's never even for love...but for things such as class stature or acceptance. For things such as "pure bliss" "nirvana". For things such as a new creation in a different life...if you are good! If you meet the status quo'.
But God, Abba, he just gives you love. There is nothing you have to do to even earn it. No one is perfect and no one needs to be, that is why Jesus came and died. He bridged the gap. So I could mess up the way I did, the way I do, the way I always will. And it's ok! Because his love is free and unconditional. He offers eternal life, a relationship, a best friend, a love. No other religion does that! Do you ever wonder why people take "OUR GODS" name in vain? I never hear anyone shouting..."OH BUDDA" "OH MUHAMMAD"...hmm think about it? These things remind me of how I am not created for this world. I long to go home! I want to be in heaven so badly. Take this world from me, because I don't need it. I hate the pain I see, I hate the lies I hear. I want to fix it all! I'm sure God cries all the time. I know he must he is a GOd that feels, just like we do. He must hurt so badly when he sees the pain this world has brought upon itself. May please go home? "THe letter said that you were leaving but you didn't know how long. If it's one day or a million I will wait for you till then."
So you see, it's all ok, because I have all I need for Joy! So with that I'm afraid this will be my last post. My thoughts are not for the public, but for my own private holding. They are the cries of my heart. Of course I will share them just not in such a manner to where they can be read by the likes of anyone. I have loved keeping this journal. It has become a part of my daily routine, my release. It has served great a purpose. If any have been uplifted that is all that matters. A part of me wishes to one day write in it again. Perhaps...mayhaps(suz) Although it has served as an eye to a part of my life that no longer exists that no longer needs to view. He himself must let go.
With that said... "I eagerly expect and hope that I will no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exhalted in my body whether by LIFE OR BY DEATH for TO ME to LIVE IS CHRIST and to DIE IS GAIN." Philippians 1:20-21 This was writen by Paul, who I am most alike, once Saul. He wrote it to the church Philipi. He was a killer of Christians until he one day he was blinded and healed and then believed. He began by building churches all over the east. He was wanted and hunted, but he still pressed on. He was once an murderer of christians, the shame he must have carried. Do you think he ever preached to children he made orphans? I do! The strength this man of God was given was massive. Paul was placed in prison and beheaded...this passage was writen from his cellar. Don't believe me? Well it's proven! Just like the rest of the scrolls. Oh and by the way there was a man murdered on a cross...it is also proven! Either Jesus is the son of God or he wasn't. He was either insane or he was who he said he was. He was and is and will always be.... Paul knew this, he knew that for him to live meant to live for Christ and to die would be sher gain! From everlasting to everlasting....
To him who is able to keep you from falling, and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy-to the only God, our Saviour, be glory, majesty, power and authority through Christ Jesus our Lord. Through all ages, now forver more Amen! Doxology, Jude 1:24-25
This is my offering....
Forever, For always, no matter what
~Lauren