i'm about to break your fall

[lastguardian]

I looked out the window as Sunnydale went away, as my life in Sunnydale turned into distant past, and I wished it had turned out a little bit differently. I mean, I knew that Xander was going to be upset with me and I knew that Willow would probably be quietly supportive, but I definitely didn't expect Giles to be... let's just say that I'd counted

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[wickedslayer]

Angel and I hadn't said much since he brought up the whole Wes thing. Yeah, things were complicated. That was pretty much the understatement of the century. I almost tortured him to death, and I still wasn't sure if I was sorry about that or not. Now Wes and Cordelia had quit Team Angel because I was back on the scene. Cordy got visions, which meant we were gonna have to stalk them practically. Thought I'd already done enough stalking for one lifetime. Following Angel and B around, now I was gonna have to follow around my ex-watcher and Sunnydale High's own prom queen.

It was fine though. I didn't dig the idea of goin' back to prison, and runnin' off again held even less appeal for me. Angel seemed to really really want me to stick around. I didn't exactly get the why out of that. Must be because redemption was his whole schtick. He wanted to help me find it. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to help me find it. Redeeming myself sounded like a big tough job. Least Angel seemed up to it.

Angel parked his car in front of his apartment building and we walked into the office. Silently we both got into the elevator and took it down the stairs. Remembered this place. Remembered Buffy, and Wesley, and that demon I'd helped Angel kill. Blood on my hands. Always blood on my hands.

When we stopped at the bottom floor, the doors parted and I stopped in my tracks. Almost like my heart just stopped beating for a second. Buffy. Just standing there in the middle of the living room, lookin' at us.

Nervously I glanced up at Angel before turning to look at Buffy again. Her gaze was locked on mine, and I couldn't even move. She wasn't happy though, didn't take a rocket scientest to figure that one out.

[lastguardian]

I couldn't decide where to put my bags. Floor in front of the closet or floor in front of the bed? They both had their virtues. The bed won out as close would, theoretically, be hung in the closet eventually. I was rethinking my decision when I heard the door swing open.

I turned around and found myself face to face with Faith and Angel, and my jaw dropped. I snapped it shut, trying to at least pretend that Faith's presence hadn't shocked me completely -- unconvincingly trying to pretend that Angel had let me know what he was about to do.

Fuck.

What was she doing here? I mean, I knew that Angel and I had discussed the potential of Faith not being in prison, but that was yesterday and I didn't remember talking about actually getting her out. I glanced quickly at Angel, who looked all stoic and ... defiant? and then quickly shifted my gaze back to Faith.

"Out on parole?"

[not_a_eunuch]

I said this would be easy. Obviously, I'd forgotten what living with two women was like. Looking from a glaring Buffy to a glaring Faith, I decided to step between them. Because I had a death wish, apparently.

"Buffy. We talked about my plans to get Faith out of jail, remember?"

The look Buffy shot me should have turned me to dust on the spot. I looked over at Faith who arched an eyebrow at me. Maybe it would be easier to talk to Faith. It couldn't go worse than trying to reason with a pissed off Buffy Summers. Turning to look at Faith, but making sure I could still see if Buffy decided to kick me into the nearest wall, I smiled gently at Faith.

"Buffy is just a little shocked that I was able to arrange your release so quickly. I'm sure once you both get settled, things will be fine."

I really wished a big slimy demon could attack and distract us from this conversation. Maybe a portal could open up and swallow me. I bet a hell dimension was nice this time of year.

[wickedslayer]

Parole? What the fuck? See! I knew he was lyin' to me! Just when you try and trust someone they had to stomp all over it with their big stupid vampire shoes. And I was pissed at me, cause the entire time I knew he was lyin' to me and I bought into it anyway. That was how desperation worked, ya know? Willing to believe anything after awhile and I so badly wanted to believe in Angel.

Then just when I thought the situation couldn't get any worse? Angel decided to step in the middle, and speak for both of us. Fine. Fine? Things were NEVER gonna be fine. I was never gonna be fine. This whole idea was stupid and completely fucked and there was no way in hell I could live with these two. No way in hell they could live with me.

Instinctively I took a step back, my eyes flitting from Buffy's angry gaze back to Angel's cautious one. Suddenly I was feelin' a whole lot less settled and I wondered if I'd ever feel settled again. Not around her, around her I could barely control myself. Blood screaming in my veins to fuck her, kill her, make her realize that she was just like me.

"Right." I said quietly, keepin' my expression and tone completely unreadable. Or at least tryin' really hard to. They always had the upper hand and I always lost. Sick of it.

[not_a_eunuch]

A kick to the gut would have been less painful than watching the trust slip out of Faith's eyes and the sound of her voice when she answered me. I'd fucked up. Screwed everything up by telling half truth's and hoping things would fall into place once we were all together.

"I'm sorry."

They both looked at me and I shrugged my shoulders, looking down at the floor as I sat on the edge of the bed. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I wanted to help them, not make things worse. This was what Cordy always said about me. I lacked people skills.

"I handled this wrong. Buffy, I thought after our talk that you were ok with my plans. I'd told you that I was getting Faith out and you agreed to move here. I thought, I thought you understood what I wanted to do here. Faith, I didn't mean to mislead you. Buffy wanted you to be able to fix your own life, and I told you that, but I thought it would be different."

In less than twenty-four hours, I'd managed to alienate my two best friends, piss off Buffy, and lose Faith's trust. This had to be a new record on how fast I could screw everything up.

[lastguardian]

I crossed my arms and glared at Angel. Faith was... well, she was out of jail and Angel had probably gotten her out legally, so it looked like we were stuck with her. For the time being at least. But how dare he -- after all we'd talked about -- how dare he just assume that I'd be okay with being around her?

"I don't think I was part of that conversation, Angel," I seethed, completely ignoring Faith's presence. "I thought we'd agreed that Faith needed to help herself, and frankly? I don't think she's done that in the past twenty-four hours."

I turned to the closet and picked up my leather satchel, flinging it over my shoulder. I paused. "I'm out of here." I began striding to the doorway, all the while wondering if Angel was going to stop me. I wouldn't have been surprised either way, but Angel always found new and exciting ways to bring on the shock factor.

It was just a shame that he was all I could see.

[prodigal_slayer]

It was like bein' frozen in time for a few minutes. Standin' near the elevator door, lookin' between Buffy and Angel. The two of them were really focused on eachother. Reminded me of a few days ago when he hit her she hit him, was the cycle gonna start all over again? Cause damn, I could back home to mom in South Boston and watch this shit.

When B grabbed her bag and said she was outta there I instantly balked and took a step back. That fucking prick. I thought I could trust him! He told me I could, asked me to and this is the shit I get? No way is that fair at all.

"No." I said suddenly finding my voice again. Both of them looked kinda surprised that I'd said anything at all. What was I? Fucking stupid?! How could I think that this arrangement would work at all? I was had screwed up way too many times, and those two? Well, they were just screwed up in general. Vampire slayer in love with a vampire. Seriously fucked up.

"I'll go."

Where? Well, that part was more tricky. But I always got by somehow. Problem was I kept replaying that song and dance Angel had put on. About how I was gonna keep runnin' til I was dead, and it would probably be a wicked short run.

[not_a_eunuch]

"No."

They both looked at me and I wondered which of them was about to stake me first. Maybe they could do it together. Bond. It was pretty clear they needed to do something.

"Neither of you are going."

I sighed, standing up to stand between them. I'd faced many things in my two and half centuries, but standing between Faith and Buffy after telling them they had to stay? Was probably my most reckless. I didn't care. They were both so pissed off at me, each other, and the world at large that they were missing the point.

"Buffy, I told you that she couldn't help herself behind bars. I'm sorry if I didn't make myself more clear, but I honestly thought you knew I wasn't leaving her in there. She needed to have a chance at redemption. The chance you gave me countless times."

I paused, turning to look at Faith.

"You knew she'd be pissed off. It's not a surprise that she is still hurt by what went down, but running away from this? That won't fix anything. All it will do is put you back out in the rain, Faith. You don't want that. You don't need it."

Looking back at Buffy, I said quietly, "I want you both here. I need you both. I think, maybe, you need each other, but there are issues you two need to work out. Maybe it would be best if I leave while you guys settle this."

[lastguardian]

Faith. Me. Angel, standing in the middle like a complete jackass, and me, the actual jackass for being surprised at his behavior. Why I was surprised, I had no idea, but the very notion of being surprised pissed me off, and what pissed me off even more was the fact that I was pissed off about being pissed off because I was surprised, which I shouldn't have been. Surprised or pissed off.

Angel was all about helping the hopeless, and honestly? I couldn't think of anybody out there more hopeless than Faith.

"You can't tell me what to do," I said, but my voice was uncertain, almost like I was expecting him to contradict me and say 'but yes -- yes, Buffy, I can tell you what to do, because you will do what I ask without question.' Because in most cases I would, but right now I needed to stand my ground, square my shoulders, and --

"Don't give me the redemption line and don't twist my words around, Angel. You want to be Faith's new best friend, fine. Enjoy it. But don't expect me to wait around for her to stake you in the back, because I won't do it." It's more of a plea than an ultimatum, and somehow my bag is on the floor and not on my shoulder, so we all know I'm not going anywhere. Well, all of us except me, I'm happily oblivious to that fact.

[prodigal_slayer]

Oh he just had to say that, didn't he? Had to bring up the cryin' in the rain thing. Did he have any idea what he was doin'? I felt totally played again, and my first instinct was to run right out the door. I was supposed to trust him, I was tryin' so hard to trust him.

"I'm not!" I yelled out suddenly, and again with the two of them lookin' at me surprised. Did they just periodically forget I was in the room, or what? They were so intense and it just made everything else more intense. Almost was startin' to prefer prison. But another thing Angel had said that stuck with me? About hiding away so I wouldn't have to face it? Well, how was I supposed to face this if she wouldn't even give me a chance to say or do anything? I couldn't...I can't make it up to her.

"I won't. Look B, I know you got no reason to trust me but...."

"If you apologize to me I will beat you to death."

"Go ahead."

"Just tell me how to make it better." I pleaded with her for the second time. I wanted to know how to make it better, and she was the good slayer! She was just....good and Buffy! She was supposed to have the right answers, she was supposed to help me.

[lastguardian]

There was really nothing that I could do but stare at her. She looked as though she was about to fall apart, and even though there was a little twinge guilt, I tried to tell myself that I didn't care. That just because she said she wanted to make things better didn't mean a damned thing when she'd already screwed up my life at every bend.

She'd come to Sunnydale, I'd tried to be her friend. She'd killed a guy, tried to foist the blame on to me, tried to steal my boyfriend, and tried to end the world.

I put her in a coma, but she was just like Angel -- never letting me escape from the memories, always haunting me in my dreams. When she came back, she tried to take it all again, from my face to my boyfriend to my entire life, and that was... that was wrong.

She had problems, but didn't we all? Why was I the only one who ever seemed to have to face them?

How to make it better? I didn't know. How do you fix something like that? I shrugged, looking to Angel for backup, but I knew he wasn't going to be any help. "I don't know," I finally answered, but it wasn't the answer she wanted. That Angel wanted. God, it wasn't the answer that I wanted. "I'm sorry, Faith. I just don't know."