i'm about to break your fall

[lastguardian]

I looked out the window as Sunnydale went away, as my life in Sunnydale turned into distant past, and I wished it had turned out a little bit differently. I mean, I knew that Xander was going to be upset with me and I knew that Willow would probably be quietly supportive, but I definitely didn't expect Giles to be... let's just say that I'd counted

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[not_a_eunuch]

At least they were making progress, but things were far from ok. I'd been fooling myself to think that my optimism would be contagious. Hell, who was I to interfere here? I'd walked out on Buffy and left her because I thought I was protecting her.

Now I was standing in the middle of Buffy and Faith and telling them they couldn't leave. Why? Because I wanted them to stay. Because I needed them. Part of me convinced myself they needed me too, but that wasn't true. Buffy stopped needing me a long time ago and Faith, well maybe she did.

She needed Buffy more.

I knew that. I knew how much she needed Buffy and I thought if they could work things out, that maybe it wouldn't be just Faith who got better. That Buffy would finally be able to see that her instincts with Faith weren't off. That the bond they shared was true, and they needed each other. They could depend on each other.

"I'm sorry."

It was too little, too late. Damage was done. I'd hurt them both by getting involved. Hurt Buffy because she thought I didn't take in account how bad Faith had hurt her. Hurt Faith because she thought I'd intentionally mislead her. Hurt my friends because they thought I'd chosen the girls over them, and they were right I suppose, because I had chosen the girls.

"I never meant to hurt either of you."

[prodigal_slayer]

It seemed like we were at a draw here or something. B lookin' everywhere but at me directly, Angel tryin' desperately to make it okay. But there was one thing struck me as different.

"I'm sorry."

There it was, just that easy. After all that time of just wantin'....maybe I did want something like that. An apology from Buffy, some little sign that yeah she could fuck up sometimes. She didnt' always know the answers, she was still human even if she was slayer number one.

Besides I didn't think anyone really gave a shit about me anyway. Then there they were right in a row. Like dominoes. Two I'm sorrys, one out of eachother of them.

I thought I couldn't, I thought I wasn't. Except I was. Was so very sorry, but by the time I'd thought to be sorry it was too late. So I just kept graspin' at straws, tryin' desperately to keep my feet from slippin' out from under me. Then it was too late. Nothin' I could do to make it right. How could I ever make it right?

[lastguardian]

Angel's apologizing, Faith's apologizing, and I'm mostly just sorry that I left Sunnydale to be part of all this awkwardness. If they think that I'm going to apologize, that I'm going to join them in their little quest for redemption, they're wrong. What do I have to be redeemed for?

Well, there is that little matter of stabbing Faith in the gut, but she had it coming and she knew it.

"Yeah."

I'd stabbed her for trying to kill Angel, I'd been willing to kill her to save Angel... that, of course, to say nothing of being willing to kill myself to save Angel. Probably should have been sorry for that, even just a little bit, but the whole "stealing my body thing?" Kind of canceled that one out.

I purse my lips and try to think of something to say, but I can't make it better, either. I can't suddenly just be okay with Faith, and I can't be okay with Angel right now either. But it's got nothing to do with them, it's all about me. "Yeah," I repeat, and I sound like a complete idiot, but I know they probably don't care.

And as long as I keep pretending that all of my problems are Faith's fault, everything will work itself out.

[not_a_eunuch]

Faith apologized and I couldn't help but feel a little bit proud of her. I wasn't fooling myself into thinking this made everything better, but she couldn't apologize for anything before. This was a big step for her. She was making progress.

Buffy kept saying yeah, and I was pretty sure she was lost in her own thoughts. Probably processing everything that had gone down and figuring out how she would deal with it. No one was making a move toward the door, so that was progress too.

It was a sad day when I turned out to be the optimist in the group. I was a well practiced cynic. Looking from Buffy to Faith, I wasn't sure what to say. Wasn't sure there was anything that could be said. At least anything from me.

"So..."

I shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other. No one was talking. We were just looking at each other, squeezing in the occasional look of remorse versus the occasional glare.

"Anyone want something to drink? I have a bottle of whiskey."

When in doubt, bring out the liquor.

[prodigal_slayer]

B was just standin' there saying 'Yeah' alot and really? After that apology? I got nothin'. Couldn't even believe the words escaped my lips. Least she hadn't threatened to beat me to death this time. That was a step in the right direction, right? Man, I was havin' to use every little bit of self-control that I had in my entire body not to bolt for the door. That was my schtick. When shit got rough I headed for the hills. Hard not to fall back into old habits. Even if Angel really didn't want me to. Then again, he was the one who'd created this really really awkward situation. And why? Did he suddenly have a jones to see some slayer on slayer action or something? Either that or he had a serious death wish. Stake wish. Whatever.

I'd been so busy studying the tile floor I hadn't even noticed Angel talkin' for a minute. The whole bottle of whiskey thing? Got my attention in a heartbeat. Arching one eyebrow up at him I tilted my chin and looked from him to Buffy. Hello! Had the two of them met? Little miss tightly wound didn't do whiskey, I was sure of it.

"Whiskey? Are you sure you're feeling alright?" Probably not. Who in this room was feelin' alright? Not me. Actually whiskey sounded like a wicked good idea suddenly. Not that B would go for it.

Truth was. I sorta wished they'd go back to ignoring me. I didn't know what to say or do around her. Like I had to walk on eggshells so I wouldn't say the wrong thing. I was pretty famous for sayin' alot of the wrong thing.

[lastguardian]

Booze. Yeah, and that was how those of the white trash variety solved their problems, but I was better than that. Excepting that little beer incident that brought out the cave girl in me, of course, and beer? Far less disgusting than whiskey. At least from what I'd heard, I mean Spike drank whiskey.

Still, Faith was over there shying away from it. Pulling the "good girl" routine like she was still wearing my skin, pretending that she wasn't evil.

Okay, maybe not evil. Maybe just... whatever. Maybe there wasn't a word for it.

"Maybe a drink isn't such a bad idea," I said suddenly, ignoring Faith and looking over at Angel. It was doubtful that Angel's liquor cabinet was enchanted... well, pretty much doubtful... and honestly? If things didn't loosen up, one of us was going to kill somebody. Probably Angel.

And, frustrated as I was... I kind of liked having alive Angel. I kind of liked it a lot.

[not_a_eunuch]

I walked across the apartment and plucked out my 'for special occasions' emergency bottle of whiskey. The tension in this apartment was more than enough of an emergency to crack it open. I wasn't sure if I had cups, but if not, we could drink from the bottle. Both of them needed to relax and maybe this would do the trick.

Checking the cabinets, I found three cups and returned to sit on the bed. Placing the cups on the nightstand, I poured double shots in each glass before passing the cups around. "To new beginnings." I raised my glass and slammed the liquor quickly. Nothing quite like the burn of a liquor when it first goes down.

My toast was corny and likely to get whiskey tossed in my face, but I didn't care. If they were going to self destruct and possibly kill me? I was going to be staked while drunk. Best plan I'd had in awhile.

I refilled my glass and took a sip. Oh yeah, I needed this. They needed this, even if they didn't realize it yet. Whiskey could make everything better. I may not be able to get drunk, but I could get nice and relaxed.

[prodigal_slayer]

I exchanged a look with B before my eyes followed Angel as he walked to the cabinets by the sink. He broke out a bottle of whiskey and my eyes widened. He was really serious, and B was really lettin' him do this. Was she tryin' to prove some retarded point or something? This was the part where she got all Mother Theresa on our asses and told us that drinking was wrong and that you should always wait twenty minutes after eating to go swimming or something.

I watched Angel as he poured three cups full of whiskey and passed one to Buffy and then one to me. This felt kinda...weird. Doin' this with them. Like I was betraying everything that I was supposed to be, except I wasn't. This was what I was supposed to be...I think.

Couldn't help but snicker at Angel's corny toast. Nothin' says break the tension like a quality dorked out vampire with a soul moment. Not that I would know, since mostly I'd just seen Angel tell me how to be better. How to be different, how to deal. Like he did.

That was a depressing thought, so I quickly drank down the whiskey. Tried to hide the face I wanted to make at how strong it was, and I almost lost it when I saw B make a serious ick face.

"That's some serious shit, Angel. How long you been hidin' that bottle away? Like two hundred years?"

[lastguardian]

Yuck. A lot of yuck. Seriously, not enough yuck in the world, but I wasn't going to let Faith show me up in our little Slayer Drinkoff. Grin, bear it, and God this stuff is disgusting. This idea? Worst idea ever.

"Angel, you didn't lose your soul again, did you? Because it would explain a lot."

I put the glass down on the table and looked at it apprehensively. Things that sucked about being the Slayer? Alcohol tolerance. It was going to take a lot more of those ick-shots to get me to a place where I even remotely didn't hate Faith.

I glanced from the glass, to Faith, to the bottle of whiskey in Angel's hand. Three incredibly bad ideas.

[not_a_eunuch]

"No. If I lost my soul I would be trying to drink from both of you instead of this bottle."

It was a bad joke and neither of them laughed. I poured three more large glasses. Between their tolerance and mine, this bottle wouldn't stand a chance. "I've had it for awhile. Special occassion reserve."

I held up my glass in a toast, "To new beginnings and my ability to screw things up when I was just trying to help. Some things never change." I slammed the drink and immediately wanted another.

I hoped I had more liquor stashed in the apartment. It would be hell to stumble out to a store once we finished this bottle. My goal was to drink until I passed out. If that didn't work, I'd just keep talking and one of them was bound to get pissed off enough to knock me out.

If I was a betting man, and I was, my money would be on Buffy being the one to do it. I hoped she'd make it hurt.

[prodigal_slayer]

I arched an eyebrow when Angel made with the lame joke making. Like my slayer senses weren't already on fire just bein' in the same building as him. How did B deal with it all the time? Guessed she just did and now I was gonna have to do that too. I wanted it, wanted to be better, wanted to try and make up for it even if I couldn't. For him, for her, but mostly for me. Cause he was right, it'd be the shortest run I'd ever take. A few days ago that didn't seem like such a bad thing, but now someone cared about me. Maybe that was all I needed.

Please. Please. Don't let me fuck this up. Somehow I knew it was a pretty dim hope. I always managed to fuck up everything that I touched. They'd be no different. Not that there'd be any touching....or anything. Well, I mean. Why was I thinkin' about this? Must be the whiskey. Yep, the whiskey.

Sittin' down in a hard chair I watched Angel as he made another toast. Could vamps get drunk? Or did he just say stupid shit all the time? Hey, not passin' judgement or anything cause I could relate. I exchanged a look with Buffy before we both took another swig and drained our glasses.

He wasn't the only screw up in the room anyway. I mean, clearly B sorta lost the screwing up contest but she'd fucked up too, I knew she had. Couldn't hide from me.

Frowning I noticed the one bed. The one I'd slept on the day he saved me. Lookin' around I saw a couch. Ok, I could crash on the couch and the two of them could take the bed. Except that'd be weird for me, not that I cared. But they probably did. Also? The two of them gettin' bouncy meant bad Angel. Sure, that idea sorta excited me at one point but not anymore.

"Uhh....Angel? Where are we all gonna sleep?" I asked, tilting my head and givin' him an amused look.

[not_a_eunuch]

Faith's question made me smirk. It was probably the wrong reaction, but I was feeling very relaxed. Liquor was nice. Very nice. Where would we all sleep?

I looked over at the bed and back at the girls who were waiting for me to decide. Like I really had a vote where they would sleep? Weren't they both upset with me for making decisions without consulting them? Now they wanted me to make this decision.

"Bed is big enough for all three of us, but I could take the floor if it makes either of you more comfortable."

I knew it was probably the wrong answer, but what else could I suggest? We could sleep in shifts if that made them feel more comfortable. It was a big bed and it was just sleep. Why did this have to be an issue anyway? I wanted another drink.

[lastguardian]

I looked at Angel and then I looked at Faith. Then I looked at Angel again because he was being stupid. Both of his little scenarios had me and Faith laying down in the same vicinity and I didn't want to point out the obvious, but --

"She stole my body!" I exclaimed. Maybe we'd gotten off to a kind of tentative truce, but that kind of thing didn't mean anything to Faith. "And I don't know, maybe I'm making too big of a deal about this, but she stole my body!"

I slammed my glass down on his table so hard that it cracked, and I stormed over to the chair beside the bed and pointed to it. "You want to sleep? Fine. But I'm gonna watch and make sure she doesn't steal my body again."

Maybe I was being a little irrational. Faith certainly seemed sorry, but who could blame me for being a little gunshy?

[neverbeenfree]

Me, B and Soul Boy all in the same bed at the same time? Well, shit. If I'd known all I had to do was confess to the fuzz that I'd been a naughty little girl to get that to happen I woulda been all over that a long time ago. I mean, shit, wasn't that what I'd been tryin' to do all along? Not that the two of 'em had eyes for anyone except eachother.

But I already knew, already knew before she said anything that there wasn't enough booze in the whole fucking world to get B to be down with that idea. That whole bodysnatchin' boyfriend stealin' thing was still fresh on her mind and I couldn't exactly blame her, could I? 'Cept it was always easy to blame everything on her. She wouldn't accept me, wouldn't help me, turned her back on me, stabbed me in the gut. I hated her so much sometimes it threatened to take over everything that was me until only she remained.

"She's right." I amended quickly as Angel looked between the two of us helplessly. Did he really think he could smooth over everything between the two of us with a couple shots of liquor? If only it was that easy. "This....it's a bad idea." The words froze on my tongue, that words that I kept wantin' to repeat, the urge to run fast and far until I couldn't run anymore.

But I wasn't a coward. Might be weak, might be fucking stupid, might be evil and bad. But I wasn't a coward, and I hated the thought that B might see me that way.