My heart isn't missing, I just lost control
After Angel's visit I couldn't really shake it. His presence, her presence. Both of 'em wrapped up together and around my brain, swirling around up there. I wished I could say it was all fuckin' hugs and puppies up in my head, but that was the furthest thing from the truth. Sometimes? I stared at the bars for so long I wanted to tear at them. Rip 'em away from eachother and kill any guard that dared to get in my way. Track down B and Soul Boy, and tear 'em apart limb by limb until it all stopped. Until there was just me, and silence. Then maybe I had that shot at bein' free like Angel said. Tear it out with the sharpest blade until I didn't feel anything at all.
Obviously that plan? Full of holes. The chances of my ass takin' out both of 'em were slim to none. Fuck. I was cocky usually, but not that cocky. Tried screwin' 'em both over before and it didn't worked. Never worked. I was never fast enough or strong enough or smart enough and apparently, I wasn't evil enough either. Second place. But mostly? I didn't want to. I wanted all that stuff that Angel had said to me. I wanted someone to watch my back, I wanted to watch his back. Second place didn't sound so bad all of a sudden, at least it was a place. A place just for me, where I could belong. None of the other places I'd tried to stick myself in ever worked out. I was like that one puzzle piece in the clearance puzzles. Ya know, the one that never really fits? So you try and squeeze it in because you want a complete puzzle. Except usually you ended up damaging the piece or wreckin' the whole puzzle.
I was tired of wreckin' the puzzle. Already knew I was damaged goods wrapped up in leather pants. Just one wicked little girl tryin' to fit. Thing was? Besides the Mayor no one had ever wanted me to fit. No one except Angel now. Man, you gotta love the irony of that. One vampire tryin' to sponsor two slayers. He's gotta be crazy for real.
Then there was the whole Buffy thing. When it came to her? Most times I felt so outta control I could barely stand it. Then there was her, with her perfect fucking life. Doting mom and scooby pals, all lookin' up to her. Tellin' her she can't do no wrong. She was such a fucking control freak, she didn't get it. She didn't have the first clue what it was like to be trapped in my skin, and most times I didn't think she really gave a shit anyway. She was the reason though, or at least half of it now. She wanted me in jail, so this was where I went. I did it, just like I done everything else since I met her, for her. I had such a clear read on the little control freak too. She wanted me in in the clink. She thought I deserved it and a whole lot more. Not that I could blame her after the shit I pulled. Mean, I did take the clean marine boytoy for a spin. That had to piss her off for real. I seriously doubted that she wanted me out. Angel was fillin' in the blanks. But the fact that he had done it, even that not so little lie kinda made me want it more. Because he wanted it. Wanted me. Well, wanted me out of jail anyway. Problem was, I'd been lied to so much I wasn't even sure I could trust him. Wanted to wicked bad, but who the fuck even knew if I'd just be sittin' my ass behind bars for another twenty five years waitin' on him to bust me out. Waitin'. It was what I was best at.
"Hanley." The guard clinked her club against the bars, and I instantly stood up. "You're being released."
I didn't bother to ask why, it was what I'd been waitin' on all day. Didn't know how Angel managed to pull this shit off but I was glad he did. It was for real, he'd come through for me. Hadn't let me down, like everyone else.
I followed the guard through the prison, ignoring the Bertha's catcalling at me from inside their little cells. Oh yeah, bet they were real disappointed they couldn't get their hands on my hot little slayer ass. Too bad for them.
After I signed a couple forms, they ushered me off through the gates leavin' me with a feeling of 'what the fuck do I do now?'. Just as I was about to get nervous that I was about to be on my own again a familiar black car pulled up to the curb. A smile crept over my face despite how badly I didn't want it to.
"Hey." I said as I threw my backpack in the backseat and climbed into the passenger seat of Angel's car. Man, it felt good to be in leather pants again instead of that stupid jumpsuit. Blue wasn't really my color, preferred black.
Obviously that plan? Full of holes. The chances of my ass takin' out both of 'em were slim to none. Fuck. I was cocky usually, but not that cocky. Tried screwin' 'em both over before and it didn't worked. Never worked. I was never fast enough or strong enough or smart enough and apparently, I wasn't evil enough either. Second place. But mostly? I didn't want to. I wanted all that stuff that Angel had said to me. I wanted someone to watch my back, I wanted to watch his back. Second place didn't sound so bad all of a sudden, at least it was a place. A place just for me, where I could belong. None of the other places I'd tried to stick myself in ever worked out. I was like that one puzzle piece in the clearance puzzles. Ya know, the one that never really fits? So you try and squeeze it in because you want a complete puzzle. Except usually you ended up damaging the piece or wreckin' the whole puzzle.
I was tired of wreckin' the puzzle. Already knew I was damaged goods wrapped up in leather pants. Just one wicked little girl tryin' to fit. Thing was? Besides the Mayor no one had ever wanted me to fit. No one except Angel now. Man, you gotta love the irony of that. One vampire tryin' to sponsor two slayers. He's gotta be crazy for real.
Then there was the whole Buffy thing. When it came to her? Most times I felt so outta control I could barely stand it. Then there was her, with her perfect fucking life. Doting mom and scooby pals, all lookin' up to her. Tellin' her she can't do no wrong. She was such a fucking control freak, she didn't get it. She didn't have the first clue what it was like to be trapped in my skin, and most times I didn't think she really gave a shit anyway. She was the reason though, or at least half of it now. She wanted me in jail, so this was where I went. I did it, just like I done everything else since I met her, for her. I had such a clear read on the little control freak too. She wanted me in in the clink. She thought I deserved it and a whole lot more. Not that I could blame her after the shit I pulled. Mean, I did take the clean marine boytoy for a spin. That had to piss her off for real. I seriously doubted that she wanted me out. Angel was fillin' in the blanks. But the fact that he had done it, even that not so little lie kinda made me want it more. Because he wanted it. Wanted me. Well, wanted me out of jail anyway. Problem was, I'd been lied to so much I wasn't even sure I could trust him. Wanted to wicked bad, but who the fuck even knew if I'd just be sittin' my ass behind bars for another twenty five years waitin' on him to bust me out. Waitin'. It was what I was best at.
"Hanley." The guard clinked her club against the bars, and I instantly stood up. "You're being released."
I didn't bother to ask why, it was what I'd been waitin' on all day. Didn't know how Angel managed to pull this shit off but I was glad he did. It was for real, he'd come through for me. Hadn't let me down, like everyone else.
I followed the guard through the prison, ignoring the Bertha's catcalling at me from inside their little cells. Oh yeah, bet they were real disappointed they couldn't get their hands on my hot little slayer ass. Too bad for them.
After I signed a couple forms, they ushered me off through the gates leavin' me with a feeling of 'what the fuck do I do now?'. Just as I was about to get nervous that I was about to be on my own again a familiar black car pulled up to the curb. A smile crept over my face despite how badly I didn't want it to.
"Hey." I said as I threw my backpack in the backseat and climbed into the passenger seat of Angel's car. Man, it felt good to be in leather pants again instead of that stupid jumpsuit. Blue wasn't really my color, preferred black.