(no subject)
My day is always the same, yet I am aware of it, and I do try to do the unexpected at every opportunity I get. The people here think I am crazy because I always say or do something outrageous, I don't care because all the things that take place during the normal day is routine, we get up , we get ready, we drive to work, and then we do the same damn shit at work for fucking 8 hours and then we go home and do the same thing we did the night before, except there may be something different on TV, and we may eat something a little different, but still life goes on all around us, the same as it will tomorrow and the next day and the next until our own light dims out and we can no longer enjoy the monotony of life. That is all life is. Life keeps going just like the sun keeps rising. We are nothing but little insignificant beings roaming around in a world that we shouldn't have even been conceived in. It's rather depressing to think that all the energy in us is confined to this world, but I think we are just visiting and being watched and what ever we do to make the monotony not so monotonous, will make the transition from this kind of energy to the next form an easier one. I don't believe in a God, I don't believe we go to heaven or hell, I don't believe in Love, and I don't believe in forever. I'm not sure what we are supposed to believe in, but I believe in ME. I'm a good woman, I am a funny woman, I may even be considered by some a beautiful woman. Confusion is the darkest part of me. I want to understand everything. I know that it will never be the case, but that is my goal. All I want to do is understand. So I test myself daily. I'm learning we make our own pain, we create all the chaos and all the peace in our own self, we control nothing. We don't even control ourselves, name one person, just one that has not been through the same shit and, chaos and, drama that LIFE is all about? As soon as we come to the realization that WE are ALONE and we have no one but ourselves to blame for the mind altering attitudes that we portray. I can't never blame anything that happens to me on anyone else. I am dealing with this shit because I WANT TO. It doesn't matter that it's stupid shit it doesn't matter that it hurts me, causes me pain, makes me numb, makes me crazy. I like it. I want to experience all. We live, we die. What we do in-between is up to us. I have gone completely INSANE, please don't try to reach me at this place, you will hate it more that I. Okay, so now that I have come to the realization that I am in control of only me, what am I going to do now? Hmmm, something once again to ponder on and make myself even more crazy. About the monotony again...I was laying in bed last night, feeling okay, but a real explosion of thought went through my head. " here I am, in my bed, its late and I am tired, I feel like I would like to hold a warm body just to feel connected in some way to another life, and for the last fucking 20 years I have been feeling that same feeling. And for the last fucking 20 years, I still sleep alone and receive no comfort from another life, it was ironic, and so it is the same. MONOTONY of life, it never changes. But we can always make our own chaos a little more exciting by trying something else. I haven't spoken with Mary for 2 days. I think that's another thing to ponder. I must get a hold of her and take large amounts of her essence. Well my love, I must close this now, I feel connected to you somehow with this linkage of fiber optic cables, and once I hit the send button you will be gone, the instant mail message, sent in a second, but still you are not available to read it at the same moment. Oh well, sac ra blu. Have a chaotic day, create something new. Look at a spider web, gaze at the clouds, breath while driving. I always have to remember that one. :)