A note to myself more than to others....
hmmm someone in the sac reminded that livejournal still existed and hence, here i am, not doing any work and not getting my reading done as I should be.
I saw my father after 3 years of having cut him out of my life and avoiding him like the plague. Now he's dying. He drank his liver and subsequently himself almost to death before he quit drinking for over a year but it was still too late. His liver is shot with no chance of it getting better. They have evaluated him from a transplant; this determined that a partial donation would not suffice to save his life and would be far too dangerous for any donor to risk their health for and also that he should "technically" be dead by now according to the physicians who have been caring for him and thus makes them less likely to give him a liver. Also, he has O- blood, which means he can only recieve from an o- person, not to mention that being a universal donor, any o- liver that comes up is going to go to little suzie who's 7 and has A+ blood rather than to the old alcoholic who should already be dead. But this much information I have processed anyway. Now all I am trying to cope with are the intermittent steps into one or another waiting game; waiting for the next time he gets sick, the next time he's put in the hospital, the next emergency procedure they do to try and help him that doesn't end up working, or the next week when he doesn't get better and they put him into pastoral care. Very hard to deal with at only 21 years of age.
I love my brother and I know this can't be easy for him, but it is difficult (on both of us) that we are each too far away to support the other through this time, except for random phone calls at Mom's house, the odd chance I get there to visit.
I thought to myself the other day "I wouldn't cry nearly as much if I just started scarring myself again." And then I slapped myself. Crying is a perfectly natural and healthy way to cope with whatever is happening in life and just let it happen or else.... a'splode. So if I run away crying or break down in front of you I apologize, but it really is the only way I have to express my confusion, frustration and lonliness in this particular life experience. Also, if I am completely focused and concentrating on keeping myself busy and cheerful, don't bust my bubble and make me cope with the disheveled ruins of my emotions.... for it takes much too long for me to stop crying again.
I saw my father after 3 years of having cut him out of my life and avoiding him like the plague. Now he's dying. He drank his liver and subsequently himself almost to death before he quit drinking for over a year but it was still too late. His liver is shot with no chance of it getting better. They have evaluated him from a transplant; this determined that a partial donation would not suffice to save his life and would be far too dangerous for any donor to risk their health for and also that he should "technically" be dead by now according to the physicians who have been caring for him and thus makes them less likely to give him a liver. Also, he has O- blood, which means he can only recieve from an o- person, not to mention that being a universal donor, any o- liver that comes up is going to go to little suzie who's 7 and has A+ blood rather than to the old alcoholic who should already be dead. But this much information I have processed anyway. Now all I am trying to cope with are the intermittent steps into one or another waiting game; waiting for the next time he gets sick, the next time he's put in the hospital, the next emergency procedure they do to try and help him that doesn't end up working, or the next week when he doesn't get better and they put him into pastoral care. Very hard to deal with at only 21 years of age.
I love my brother and I know this can't be easy for him, but it is difficult (on both of us) that we are each too far away to support the other through this time, except for random phone calls at Mom's house, the odd chance I get there to visit.
I thought to myself the other day "I wouldn't cry nearly as much if I just started scarring myself again." And then I slapped myself. Crying is a perfectly natural and healthy way to cope with whatever is happening in life and just let it happen or else.... a'splode. So if I run away crying or break down in front of you I apologize, but it really is the only way I have to express my confusion, frustration and lonliness in this particular life experience. Also, if I am completely focused and concentrating on keeping myself busy and cheerful, don't bust my bubble and make me cope with the disheveled ruins of my emotions.... for it takes much too long for me to stop crying again.