(no subject)
I know I should be reading, or doing something academically productive if I'm going to use their precious computer lab, but meh. My Wednesday Lit class is cancelled which means I have the weekend now to finish reading "The Songlines" and so I feel like I have time to waste. I don't want to go to French Class. I think I might drop the second half next term, and see how I do without it. I'll probably change my mind later. We shall see.
So today I'm not myself. There is no happy spirit in here. I am not just being quiet because I'm tired and I know that my tears were not simply because I'm on my period and have a raging army of hormones waging war upon my body. They were different, genuinely brought on by my deepest fears and grievances.
I worry about losing the people I love. Why can't I just pretend everything is going to be okay? because I know it won't be, it never is in the end. His comment was "We all have to die someday" and my reply was "Well, if it's when you're twenty five, I guess that's your own problem right?" then I rolled away and continued "But of course not, because it's my problem too, because I care and worry and don't want anything bad to happen." and Then I cried for a long time. Long long time. And it took me a long time to decide wether or not I should say something, tell him what's on my mind. And I almost didn't, but then I did. And I'm pretty sure it made him feel like crap; and I wondered for a long time if he wasn't going to just get dressed and leave. I'm glad he didn't. I was never mad. Just worried. I know I couldn't cope with that kind of loss. And I thought of all the people I have lost, to death or otherwise, and it just made me so incredibly sad. I greived for them last night, I had a good long cry about it. I'm always waiting for the next bad thign to happen, the next loved one to leave or fall out of my life. And it hurts, and I wish I could think of it any other way, but it's hard when it's all you know. I envy him his large, healthy, stable family, despite the fact that I love the family that I have and would not trade it for the world.
So today I'm not myself. There is no happy spirit in here. I am not just being quiet because I'm tired and I know that my tears were not simply because I'm on my period and have a raging army of hormones waging war upon my body. They were different, genuinely brought on by my deepest fears and grievances.
I worry about losing the people I love. Why can't I just pretend everything is going to be okay? because I know it won't be, it never is in the end. His comment was "We all have to die someday" and my reply was "Well, if it's when you're twenty five, I guess that's your own problem right?" then I rolled away and continued "But of course not, because it's my problem too, because I care and worry and don't want anything bad to happen." and Then I cried for a long time. Long long time. And it took me a long time to decide wether or not I should say something, tell him what's on my mind. And I almost didn't, but then I did. And I'm pretty sure it made him feel like crap; and I wondered for a long time if he wasn't going to just get dressed and leave. I'm glad he didn't. I was never mad. Just worried. I know I couldn't cope with that kind of loss. And I thought of all the people I have lost, to death or otherwise, and it just made me so incredibly sad. I greived for them last night, I had a good long cry about it. I'm always waiting for the next bad thign to happen, the next loved one to leave or fall out of my life. And it hurts, and I wish I could think of it any other way, but it's hard when it's all you know. I envy him his large, healthy, stable family, despite the fact that I love the family that I have and would not trade it for the world.