The Wisdom of Insecurity
This title is the name of a book beloved of (ex)husband John. By Alan Watts it extols the way that being uncertain about stuff makes you reflect about your actions. I am sure that this is true, however I am not very happy with my personal insecurity right now. I am still waiting for my disciplinary letter...and now I am changing wards on Saturday and the cadre tells me that I cannot have the time off that I had asked for. I made a fuss because I have Rosie coming, and she has promised to try but meanwhile I have to wait. Tomorrow I see a psychologist... which may or may not go well. I had to deal with two new patients who are depressed, and I think it could be a good thing to be changing wards. There is such a thing as being too empathetic...
The other insecure one today has been Marco. Over the last week or so his behavior has been much worse, with disappearing and not coming when called, opening doors and chewing stuff, digging vast holes in my very small garden, and the more I tried to get him to behave the worse things seemed to get. Today in a moment of angry frustration I dug out the electronic collar and charged it up. On our walk I didn’t need to use it, for his behavior was impeccable, he didn’t seem anxious, he still did zoomies, and investigating potential squirrel movements, but he was also aware of me and came instantly when called, no endless whistling where I would see him lift one ear, but otherwise carry on calmly with whatever he was doing. Then I decided to tell him that I could still zap him from work and I put the collar on as I left. I still provided his chew treats and games, but I told him, no digging, no opening doors and no destroying plants or boxes or anything else. I came home to a perfect dog who had not misbehaved at all. In some ways this is really frustrating, does this mean that he knows that what he does is wrong but does it any way. I am inclined to believe this, because sometimes he acts very apologetic and sometimes he doesn’t, I don’t always see what he has done but on the sorry days there is always something that I find sooner or later.
I hate to make him suffer, but at the same time it is so much easier to come home and not have to start cleaning up at 22h! And really he doesn’t seem to be fussed.
The other insecure one today has been Marco. Over the last week or so his behavior has been much worse, with disappearing and not coming when called, opening doors and chewing stuff, digging vast holes in my very small garden, and the more I tried to get him to behave the worse things seemed to get. Today in a moment of angry frustration I dug out the electronic collar and charged it up. On our walk I didn’t need to use it, for his behavior was impeccable, he didn’t seem anxious, he still did zoomies, and investigating potential squirrel movements, but he was also aware of me and came instantly when called, no endless whistling where I would see him lift one ear, but otherwise carry on calmly with whatever he was doing. Then I decided to tell him that I could still zap him from work and I put the collar on as I left. I still provided his chew treats and games, but I told him, no digging, no opening doors and no destroying plants or boxes or anything else. I came home to a perfect dog who had not misbehaved at all. In some ways this is really frustrating, does this mean that he knows that what he does is wrong but does it any way. I am inclined to believe this, because sometimes he acts very apologetic and sometimes he doesn’t, I don’t always see what he has done but on the sorry days there is always something that I find sooner or later.
I hate to make him suffer, but at the same time it is so much easier to come home and not have to start cleaning up at 22h! And really he doesn’t seem to be fussed.