(no subject)
So, here's the thing -- mostly, I'm okay. But every now and then it does dawn on me that, wow, I'm miserable! That doesn't happen often, but last night I was tipsy and it was cold and I've been emotional lately and was, in all probability, Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. But I'm broke and feel like a third wheel in my own living room and no one sang to me or made me a cake on my birthday and Jesus, I'm crying already. I should have graduated in December and I should have been meeting with advisor every week this semester; I should have a full-time job and enough money to move to Boston by May instead of contemplating moving back home until winter. I should have a wellness plan and heartworm meds for Gucci and I should take her for a walk or to the dog park more than once in a literal blue moon; I should be counting calories and biking for half an hour each day. I should go to church and write a page a day and be able to find an effing job. I haven't really been touched by anyone since last March and Shelby and Dan are together and giggling all weekend long; everyone else is busy and the most social thing I did all of this weekend was suggest we watch V and invite Nic over for a drink on his way home from load-in. Friday night I went to Apocalypto at the cheap theatre, alone; yesterday I worked and ran errands for Nic's show and started crying over a game of euchre and broke down in the front yard at 1:30 in the morning; today I made shitty chicken hamburgers while Shelby and Dan sat next to each other on the couch and IMed each other, giggling; now I intend to go cruising -- but not buying, because I spent $46 out of my $200 tax refund on these and they are adorable and I will love them forever, but I need the rest of that refund to pay bills -- at TJ Maxx and DSW for a little while or perhaps watch The L Word or maybe even just go to bed and sleep for three days for no damn reason.
Now, not everything is bad. And again, 98% of the time I feel top-notch and work is going well and I love my colleagues and it's downright balmy today and the days are getting longer and really, Jesus, I took a halving of my "income" last month and haven't been overdrawn yet and I have money to buy groceries and I've been trying new recipes literally every day and enjoying myself overall and am really, really proud of myself, because I haven't been overdrawn and I have been doing meal planning, at least, and working on a two-year plan for life in general, which I'll probably be posting; I should get some sort of other job in the next few weeks and then I'll be completely flush and will be able to pay everything off and start savings and an IRA. I am working on my thesis and I feel like I'll be able to take it to my professor and start over when I have a third of it written. I'm going to start keeping track of the five things that are making me happy today, since I haven't been since Thanksgiving or so. I also plan on listening to a lot of the Mountain Goats' This Year and finally cleaning my room and the rest of the house, because it's been several weeks since I actually cleaned and the carpet is probably harboring several hairballs. Soon it'll be warm enough to start biking, and by then I'll have time to fix my bike, and if I have a half-decent job I won't need to go home for the summer -- though I'm still torn about that, believe me, and that will be a serious discussion for another time.
So anyway. That's the current State of the Faith, which I think I just needed to get off my chest, if anything.
Now, not everything is bad. And again, 98% of the time I feel top-notch and work is going well and I love my colleagues and it's downright balmy today and the days are getting longer and really, Jesus, I took a halving of my "income" last month and haven't been overdrawn yet and I have money to buy groceries and I've been trying new recipes literally every day and enjoying myself overall and am really, really proud of myself, because I haven't been overdrawn and I have been doing meal planning, at least, and working on a two-year plan for life in general, which I'll probably be posting; I should get some sort of other job in the next few weeks and then I'll be completely flush and will be able to pay everything off and start savings and an IRA. I am working on my thesis and I feel like I'll be able to take it to my professor and start over when I have a third of it written. I'm going to start keeping track of the five things that are making me happy today, since I haven't been since Thanksgiving or so. I also plan on listening to a lot of the Mountain Goats' This Year and finally cleaning my room and the rest of the house, because it's been several weeks since I actually cleaned and the carpet is probably harboring several hairballs. Soon it'll be warm enough to start biking, and by then I'll have time to fix my bike, and if I have a half-decent job I won't need to go home for the summer -- though I'm still torn about that, believe me, and that will be a serious discussion for another time.
So anyway. That's the current State of the Faith, which I think I just needed to get off my chest, if anything.