Honey, never piss me off
i have no tact whatsoever when i'm mad, so i'm just gonna come right out and say it. all of you should read a post of catskillmarina with a link on it. march 24th, 2005. then you will know why i am angry, even though i'm gonna give you the gest of it right here and now. in this post she completely bashed me and tammy, while not naming any names of course cause she just oh so nice. yeah, screw her. tammy responded and defended us. i am not for defending us, i am for killing her. tammy could have went anywhere, and i am so thankful she stayed with me. yeah, FG stands for favorite guy, a nickname. god, is everything a conspiricy against gays and such? for pete's sake, get over yourselves. straighty's not coming after you in the night. well, maybe i will, you self-righteous whore.
as to my part of that post. why i left dad's was because HE had no food and didn't really care about ME. i will write "he" because he is my dad and you know what i tell everyone about him. everyone in seneca knows, because i don't care. it is not because he is transexual, it is because he is a bad parent. i love him dearly, but i couldn't live with him anymore. how about this. how about you live with someone who doesn't feed you, in a house that reeks of piss and cigarettes. someone who's idea of buying groceries is chips, pepsi, and cigarettes. someone who all they can talk about is themselves, unless they are telling you about how horrible the rest of your family is or that you have twenty illnesses so that they can put you on medication. how about them pushing you until you cried, and then would forgive you for things that you didn't even do. someone who almost grounded you from a carnegie mellon interview, just so they could prove that they were better than you. didn't care that if you missed the interview you were definately not getting in. always hearing them say they love your step-mom, and then she's horrible, and then she's wonderful. all the time seeing other people, just not admitting it. not really being able to trust in love cause that feeling doesn't last a week in your house.would leave on weekends, leaving you all alone with no one to cry to but an old dog, the only one you really trust to love you. you give your heart away to all of your friends, but never actually trust them with it. you know it'll be broken. you are just so used to that that you think that it's the way things are done. only hearing about how they miss the other kids, while not even noticing you the whole time. you kill yourself trying to be perfect for them, and it doesn't matter. when the others come over, you have to clean the whole house. you go out to eat. you play family. when they leave, the game is over. you are back to no food, and no real love. picture yourself saying how it's alright, but everytime you are around a railing with a steep drop, or in a fast moving car, all you can think about is how to kill yourself. life has too much pain for you now. but you keep on living, in the hopes that you can help some people. imagine sitting there alone again, staring at the pills, and having to call your ex-boyfriend to tell you good things about life, because he has things you will never have, like a family. and he keeps you from suicide. try raising two kids and one parent and trying to keep a house afloat. picture a brother who goes into depressions and can't seem to get through all the high school teenager stuff. add a boyfriend who won't take care of his own future with passing high school. i just wanted a rest! i have stood up for dad long enough, it was time to stand up for me! i wanted to be happy. i am sorry about how selfish this all sounds, but this is me. i am not a hyprocrite. i admit what i am. i am a daughter, of a person, that couldn't take it anymore. i am always hurting, but everything needs to get done and people need to be taken care of so i put it away until late at night, where i dream i am back at the house alone, with no one there to care about me, or of losing everything. i am trying to get to a place where i can be happy. i love my life, God made it that way and that's all i really need to know. it's just when people like you act like i am just some spoiled brat it really makes me angry. i love dad, okay? i do. i just wanted to rest. i don't want to kill myself or anything, i just was getting closer and closer those last weeks, and something needed to change. i dropped things that were hurting me the most. even though i loved them both. DO NOT EVER MAKE THE MISTAKE OF THINKING THAT YOU ARE SPECIAL, THAT YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO FEELS PAIN! i think i should stop now, before i really start ranting. he is transexual, not god. he is still self-ish and self-righteous. i have a horrible temper(obviously). we are not perfect in the slightest. but i have done what i needed to do. so suck it up, or never talk to me, or about me, again. you keep this up, and i can not be held responsible for what i will do to you. i want a happy family. i may never get it, but i waited for dad long enough. and here i am ranting again. i'm done now.
i'm gonna go have a nice sunday with mom and ed. and do homework, and talk to doug maybe. call tammy. cause i can do that. cause you are not important to me anymore.
as to my part of that post. why i left dad's was because HE had no food and didn't really care about ME. i will write "he" because he is my dad and you know what i tell everyone about him. everyone in seneca knows, because i don't care. it is not because he is transexual, it is because he is a bad parent. i love him dearly, but i couldn't live with him anymore. how about this. how about you live with someone who doesn't feed you, in a house that reeks of piss and cigarettes. someone who's idea of buying groceries is chips, pepsi, and cigarettes. someone who all they can talk about is themselves, unless they are telling you about how horrible the rest of your family is or that you have twenty illnesses so that they can put you on medication. how about them pushing you until you cried, and then would forgive you for things that you didn't even do. someone who almost grounded you from a carnegie mellon interview, just so they could prove that they were better than you. didn't care that if you missed the interview you were definately not getting in. always hearing them say they love your step-mom, and then she's horrible, and then she's wonderful. all the time seeing other people, just not admitting it. not really being able to trust in love cause that feeling doesn't last a week in your house.would leave on weekends, leaving you all alone with no one to cry to but an old dog, the only one you really trust to love you. you give your heart away to all of your friends, but never actually trust them with it. you know it'll be broken. you are just so used to that that you think that it's the way things are done. only hearing about how they miss the other kids, while not even noticing you the whole time. you kill yourself trying to be perfect for them, and it doesn't matter. when the others come over, you have to clean the whole house. you go out to eat. you play family. when they leave, the game is over. you are back to no food, and no real love. picture yourself saying how it's alright, but everytime you are around a railing with a steep drop, or in a fast moving car, all you can think about is how to kill yourself. life has too much pain for you now. but you keep on living, in the hopes that you can help some people. imagine sitting there alone again, staring at the pills, and having to call your ex-boyfriend to tell you good things about life, because he has things you will never have, like a family. and he keeps you from suicide. try raising two kids and one parent and trying to keep a house afloat. picture a brother who goes into depressions and can't seem to get through all the high school teenager stuff. add a boyfriend who won't take care of his own future with passing high school. i just wanted a rest! i have stood up for dad long enough, it was time to stand up for me! i wanted to be happy. i am sorry about how selfish this all sounds, but this is me. i am not a hyprocrite. i admit what i am. i am a daughter, of a person, that couldn't take it anymore. i am always hurting, but everything needs to get done and people need to be taken care of so i put it away until late at night, where i dream i am back at the house alone, with no one there to care about me, or of losing everything. i am trying to get to a place where i can be happy. i love my life, God made it that way and that's all i really need to know. it's just when people like you act like i am just some spoiled brat it really makes me angry. i love dad, okay? i do. i just wanted to rest. i don't want to kill myself or anything, i just was getting closer and closer those last weeks, and something needed to change. i dropped things that were hurting me the most. even though i loved them both. DO NOT EVER MAKE THE MISTAKE OF THINKING THAT YOU ARE SPECIAL, THAT YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO FEELS PAIN! i think i should stop now, before i really start ranting. he is transexual, not god. he is still self-ish and self-righteous. i have a horrible temper(obviously). we are not perfect in the slightest. but i have done what i needed to do. so suck it up, or never talk to me, or about me, again. you keep this up, and i can not be held responsible for what i will do to you. i want a happy family. i may never get it, but i waited for dad long enough. and here i am ranting again. i'm done now.
i'm gonna go have a nice sunday with mom and ed. and do homework, and talk to doug maybe. call tammy. cause i can do that. cause you are not important to me anymore.