(no subject)
okay, i can tell casey is really upset over all of this drama shit. and she wrote an email explaining a lot of stuff...i respect what she wrote, i think a lot of it makes a really good point--she listed everyone's basic good and bad qualities, which were pretty good descriptions of everyone in the group. however, tito's "faults" have been 90% of her "personality" for a while now. and casey said "ky i think something is up with her lately"--well, if something is "wrong" with her, then why is she taking it out on her "friends" instead of talking to them about it? if we do one little thing to her, it becomes major, i.e. not hanging out with her one night. however, she can do the same things to us for a really long time i.e. constant bitching and a bad attitude, and when we finally don't want to take it anymore, we become the bad guys? is that even justified? and yeah, maybe that's just her "personality"--but i don't want to be around someone who is going to act that way-any self-respecting person wouldn't. i hate negativity in my life, there is nothing wrong with trying to get rid of it. and yeah, i guess i should have talked to her about it more before, in a calmer way, but honestly, i don't think that would have done any good, since it is just her "personality" and she won't change herself to "suit anyone." it's a lose-lose situation. i put up with it for a while now thinking "oh, maybe she's having a bad day" or "okay maybe she's mad over something", but the more i thought about it, the more i realized I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO HER. so WHAT was HER problem? over time, i got angrier and angrier over it, and finally i vented to miranda about it, and we felt the same way, which proves my point about her "changing"-it's one thing for ONE friend to have a problem with you, but when TWO of them have a problem for the SAME TYPE OF REASONS, maybe just MAYBE there is something wrong there with the other person. i can think of a few other people who have mentioned the same type of problems with her as well, but i'm not going to mention names, because unlike SOME people in this situation, i refuse to involve people who have NOTHING to do with the group and NOTHING to do with this entire ordeal. also, yes, i understand people "change"--but when you change for the worse, and people notice, and TWO PEOPLE (two FRIENDS for that matter) bring it to your attention, any person in their right mind would TAKE A LOOK AT THEMSELVES. yes, i'm a proud and stubborn person too-i would be mad at first, but i would seriously think through what two close friends of mine had to say if it made them THAT angry and upset. speaking of upset, casey tells me tito "thinks everyone hates her" now--well, sorry, but I REALLY DON'T CARE. ONE thing happens to you, and it's the end of the world? did you ever think about how YOU made US feel the past few months?? maybe OTHER people have feelings too, not just you.
so i'm going to end this saying, casey and melissa-i'm sorry. yeah, my issues with rachel may have "split up the group", but let's be honest. has the group really been THAT great lately? i understand that after high school and when people have new experiences and stuff, people are going to drift apart. but it shouldn't have had to be like this. i did everything i could to put up with stuff that bothered me for a LONG ASS TIME. i gave rides. i held my tongue. i repressed my temper. but a person can only do that for so long before it all explodes. and you want to know WHY i did all of that and didn't bring it up? BECAUSE I WANTED THE GROUP TO STAY TOGETHER PEACEFULLY. you guys have been like my family for three fucking years, obviously it's very important to me, and of course i didn't want to disrupt something like that. however, like i said, a person can only take so much. i made a choice-either keep my mouth shut and put up with a bunch of bullshit that was tearing the group apart, or let it all out to try and prevent something worse from happening, meaning EVERYONE go their seperate ways and have ALL of us hate each other. casey, miranda, melissa-i have been friends with yall for a really long time, and we've all had our ups and downs, but it's been mainly great. i didn't want to lose any of YOUR friendships over unneccesary drama with one person. so that's why i started all of this. i would rather save individual friendships then to break away from the whole group because of my anger towards one person.
i know this is harsh, but i'm honestly not that sorry for what i've said and written. maybe i went about it the wrong way, but i really felt like i had no choice. i'm sad that the group is breaking up and i'm losing a friend, but the reason for all of that makes me angry, because it really IS stupid shit, but it's gone on for so long, it became something worse.
if anyone INVOLVED has anything to say to me, feel free. i'm sick of fighting, so i'll try to be as civil as possible, but i can't promise anything if i'm bombarded with a bunch of excuses. i have a horrible temper.
also, i miss last summer too. but there was a difference between last summer and this one-people have changed a lot, one in particular for the worst, in my opinion. i'm sure i've changed too, gotten a bit bitchier, whatever-but i don't think i've changed majorly in a way that would affect others in a negative way. the only way i feel i've changed is that i have more self respect, i.e. i won't let anyone walk all over me. i'm sick of feeling used every weekend. i'm sick of being bitched at. i'm sick of losing trust for people. so if you feel like that's a horrible crime and i'm such a horrible person, etc, etc, then i'm sorry, rachel, but like you said, if you don't like it, MOVE ON. i never did anything to you but yell at you the other night, and i feel very justified in doing that. that's a harsh thing to say, and when i think about it, i get kind of sad, but i would rather be happy with my friends then feel angry all the time, and there is nothing wrong with that. i feel horrible for bringing that shit up and upsetting melissa and casey who had nothing to do with it, but somebody had to do it, and i'm not really sorry it had to be me, i'm only sorry for the consequences that other people have to deal with now because of shit that should have been dealt with or completely avoided months ago.