What you once wanted
Greece asks Russia uncomfortable questions about his relationship with Bulgaria. Maybe he shouldn't have gotten involved in the first place...
Bulgaria around Russia always looked pale and a bit jumpy, a far cry from his earlier cockiness. Greece found it rather satisfying to know someone else suffered along with him. His Yugoslavia neighbors were angry because he failed to be communist with them and America was annoyed because he wasn't properly grateful to not be communist. Greece felt a bit lonely and got six new cats named after Yugoslavia to discuss it with. His boss thought he had gone insane and never visited Greece's home again.
World meetings had turned less interesting lately because it was always America versus Russia. The non-aligned countries liked to yell at both but no one listened anyway. Greece tried to spend the time getting some well deserved sleep.
When he woke up he realized no one had bothered to tell him the meeting was over this time. The room was empty except for him. He yawned and stretched out. It had been a good nap, he should thank everyone next time for not disturbing him.
The corridor was empty, Greece hurried a little, there was a few nations he would prefer to not be alone with. Then he stopped, watching a scene he never imagined untold in front of him.
Russia was kissing someone he had pressed against the wall in a way that suggested complete domination. Bulgaria, Greece realized with growing interest. Bulgaria's eyes were closed while Russia looked really into it. Popular rumor said all the Warsaw pact nations were Russia's sex slaves. Greece had considered it unlikely until now.
He wasn't discreet in his staring. Bulgaria opened his eyes to look right into his.
“What the hell,” Bulgaria mumbled, still not pushing Russia away.
“Oh, hello Greece,” Russia cheerfully said.
“Hi,” Greece said, waving friendly to Bulgaria who was still trapped between the wall and Russia's body.
“Go away,” Bulgaria said.
“No,” Greece said, smiling for Russia's benefit. He tried out several feelings. Jealously? Completely neutral? Glee? Greece had been a little jealous over how Russia brought Bulgaria in on communism, which was obviously very important to him, even after what an asshole Bulgaria was. Then he started to see being chosen as Russia's new friend and lover could be more of a punishment. That was when the glee set in.
“I think I leave then, “Bulgaria said, still making to move to push Russia away.
Russia took the cue and let go.
“Please don't fight with Greece,” Russia said. “See you later?”
If looks could kill Greece would have been mortally wounded. Since they couldn't he kept smiling innocently.
“That's interesting,” Greece said as the angry and embarrassed Bulgaria left. He still held a bit of a grudge over how Bulgaria kept trying to invade him after all.
“Interesting is not a good thing,” Russia said. Someone must have told him that because he never picked up on it in the past.
“Interesting in a fun way.”
“I thought you didn't like Bulgaria.”
“That's why it's fun.”
“I thought we were friends,” Russia said. “Why would you be happy I'm in a relationship with someone you don't like? Maybe you think America is a better friend and you want me to be miserable...”
Greece almost panicked. It was the kind of situation he had prided himself to being able to avoid. Other people were thoughtless and stupid and ended up with Russia's aura suffocating them and Russia chanting kolkolkol while clutching his faucet... Oh shit, Russia was doing that exact thing that very moment.
“Is there any way this can end with you having your way with me without hitting me with a pipe first?”
Russia's chant of evil stopped in the middle of a kol.
“I'm in a relationship,” Russia mumbled. A red flush slowly crept up his face. When sober Russia was very easily embarrassed.
“That's amazing,” Greece said with as much enthusiasm he could summon. He felt a bit insulted by how Russia always backed off in fear when he hinted he wouldn't mind fooling around a bit. Unlike most nations who were attracted to Russia Greece wasn't even related to him. “If we didn't have an iron curtain and you didn't hate Japan we could all have dinner together. Maybe in another life?”
After getting away with messing with Russia's head once Greece had no plans doing it again. Things never went as planned and Russia went straight after him at the next meeting a few months later.
“Don't you think I can have good relationships?” Russia asked, leaving few choices except answering or run away screaming. The second sounded undignified.
“Why would you ask me that?” Greece said.
“Latvia got ill when I asked him,” Russia said. “A lot of people do. But you look healthy today.”
“In theory, yeah, I guess you could.”
“I don't like the way you put it,” Russia said, in a childishly sulky way. “You're stealth insulting me, aren't you?”
Russia had gotten more attentive lately. Must be the paranoia he shared with America.
“You're the superpower here,” Greece said. “It makes you very very important and amazing, at least that what I got from America's opinions. It's a bit intimidating.”
“Lithuania thinks I'm scary,” Russia quietly said. “Latvia and Estonia too and most of my allies, but that is good, because they aren't nice to me when they're not scared of me. But you and I and Bulgaria always been friends, haven't we? You never try to invade me...”
Greece shrugged, unsure what to say. The imbalance of power was always there, ever since back then Russia was an empire and they newly established states, Bulgaria eager to learn from both Russia's and Prussia's strengths. They had a good relationship with Russia but Russia seemed unclear on what kind of relationship it was.
“I thought Bulgaria liked me a lot, he didn't fight with me even when he was on the other side he didn't want to.”
“We adore you Russia and we're terrified of you,” Greece said, trying honesty with only a little fear. His NATO allies weren't that far away at the moment after all. “It's not mutually exclusive. Well, except for Serbia who just loves you but he's a bit crazy like that.”
“But I try very hard,” Russia helplessly said.
“I know,” Greece soothingly said. “It's nice to know you still care. But you're crushing other nation's spirits under your heels as you give us nice pep talks. It sends mixed signals.”
“Who am I crushing?”
Yet again Greece regretted being outspoken around Russia. What was wrong with him lately? He didn't even care about Bulgaria. Well, maybe he started to care a little about Bulgaria. They both had problems with Turkey for one thing, Greece was glad he had some support in that. Russia didn't stop Bulgaria from talking to other nations beyond his control, that must be another perk of dating the boss.
“Prussia and Hungary?” Greece tried. Russia had been very upset with them. “The Baltics look a bit disheartened lately too.”
“You are very unreasonable,” Russia said. “But since we are friends I wouldn't threat you with my army or my super weapons or any of the horrible things I could do, you have a very fortunate location, right next to one of my most loyal allies...”
“You know I'm military allied with America, right?” Greece said. Russia looked even more displeased but Greece felt it was important to mention at a time like this. “Maybe you should date America? You two are pretty evenly matched.”
And they were both annoying.
Russia looked disgusted.
“I hate America, he is an idiot who spreads lies about me. Can I date Serbia who isn't terrified of me?”
“Sure.”
Greece felt ready to pay money he didn't have to see that happen.
Russia didn't manage to woe Serbia, because the rest of Yugoslavia thought it was a part of an evil scheme to take them over, and was all over Bulgaria at the next world meeting instead. Russia was a big awkward guy, it was a disturbing sight. If Bulgaria had done the clinging it would have looked less off.
“I asked Bulgaria if he liked having a relationship with me,” Russia said. “He said yes and cursed at me for asking stupid questions.”
Russia looked triumphant over this, not seeing the problem at all.
“What did you expect him to say?”
“If he was scared of me he would cry or something.”
Russia picking up social skills was a fascinating thing to watch. It was like he was looking through a skewed mirror and picked up clues just a little off.
“Russia, we're the Balkans. We're not Latvia or Italy, we don't do things like that. I like to imagine we're pretty macho.”
Russia gave him a doubtful look. Greece thought he was just as macho as his neighbors, he just didn't get worked up as easily as some of them. Bulgaria liked to come off as suave and competent but his freakouts were fun and not as rare as he pretended they were. Most of all he was practical, if Russia had gotten too affectionate Greece could easily imagine it would be hard for him to set limits, even to himself, to sort out the feelings between being grateful to Russia and see him as a friend and remembering Russia's dark side and vengeful rage. In his position Greece wasn't sure what he would have done.
“You can't even chose a government for yourself,” Russia said. “I'm not going to take advice from you.”
“You're the superpower,” Greece said. “You do whatever you wish.”
Greece was free of the relationship mess for a few months and thought he had gotten away entirely when America and Russia continued an argument after the meeting, giving Greece enough time to escape into an empty corridor, trying to hide. A few months more and Russia would hopefully forget about it completely.
“I'm beginning to feel I really need to do something about you,” Bulgaria said, making Greece jump. Damn, where did he come from? He must have been waiting for him.
“Russia kept asking me strange questions and act insane after meetings," Bulgaria continued, “When I heard he had been talking to you I was willing to give you a break on that because you're an idiot.”
“Okay?” Greece wondered where Bulgaria was going with this. He looked a bit too calm for someone lurking in an empty corridor.
“Until I found out it was you who tried to make Russia break up with me and set him up with Serbia instead. You and Serbia always conspire against me, I should have guessed right away.”
“It wasn't really like that,” Greece said. Though he might not have acted wisely in hindsight.
“But when I knew for certain I realized I have to kill you,” Bulgaria finished. He delivered the threat in such a monotone voice Greece didn't take it seriously until Bulgaria kicked his legs out under him. Greece collapsed and he had no time to recover before Bulgaria kicked him hard in the side, not even bothering to gloat before continuing to beat him.
“Communist sneak attack!” Greece screamed, hoping America would hear the call he had been waiting for all this time.
“America is busy yelling at Russia,” Bulgaria said and kicked him again. “Let's settle this as men.”
“You're insane,” Greece said, just managing to roll away before Bulgaria would have stomped down on his hand. “Maybe America was right about you guys!”
“Please,” Bulgaria said and picked him up by the hair. “This is personal, not political.”
Bulgaria spent so much time whining about how unfair life was Greece almost forgot he could fight and Greece liked to have some backup when facing off against him. He let his guard down and now Bulgaria was going to fuck him up. He took a deep, shaky breath, trying to prepare to accept it with as much dignity as possible.
“Greece!” he heard a voice he almost forgotten how much he could miss. Bulgaria imminently let go, suddenly looking frightened. Cavalierly was here, though embarrassed Greece was happy to see both America and Russia who followed right behind him.
“What are you doing?” Russia asked in a pleasant way that radiated terrible things to come.
“I thought you claimed you didn't want a fight,” America said, dangerously innocent, as he helped Greece to his feet. Greece took a hard grip on his arm to keep balance and enjoyed how America could look intimidating too. “And now it looks like you were distracting me while your ally attacked mine.”
Greece felt like he was going to throw up and tried to hide it. If he was unlucky Bulgaria could have broken some of his ribs. And now the ridiculous drama was turning into a international incident everyone would hear about. Maybe it would have been easier if he simply got beaten up and brought a friend for payback later.
Without even looking Russia backhanded Bulgaria with his full strength, knocking him to the floor. He picked up the confused Bulgaria, holding him closely without a hint of the gentleness he usually showed.
“Happy?” Russia said, shaking his boyfriend a bit. “Bulgaria acts out of line. I can hit him again if you like.”
“I-eh,” America was lost for words, shocked over the open and casual violence Russia displayed against his close ally and boyfriend. Sometimes his age showed. “No?”
“No?” Russia said. “Then we forget this ever happened.”
He dragged a dazed Bulgaria behind him as Greece and America stared after them in disbelief.
“Did I ever tell you I'm kind of glad I ended up on your side?” Greece said.
“No,” America said.
“I would now if you had told him to hit Bulgaria again.”
Greece tried to explain his outrage to his confused cats. Bulgaria got away way too easily. If he insisted on retribution after Bulgaria's public and humiliating (but in the end not that bad) beating he would look like the asshole.
Sometimes Russia was either brilliant or very lucky. Now America felt bad again over how he and England basically handed over Bulgaria to Russia in return for Greece. And Greece felt terrible over being reminded of how his friends treated him like a tradable commodity.
Some people would say it was insane but Greece felt much calmer after discussing his problems with someone who didn't care. No one could not care with such grace as cats. It made him feel like his problems were as insignificant as the cats treated them. He supposed his ribs would heal in a few days and then he had the rest of his life to plot vengeance.
America had sent him terrible junk food to cheer him up. It didn't arrive until he almost had recovered, which might be for the best. It looked slightly poisonous. Greece hesitantly took a bit of an oddly colored item and decided it wasn't bad after all.
He was still eating when the phone rang. On the other side was the last person he expected, asking the one thing he didn't think he would hear.
“No,” Greece said, not believing his ears. “I'm not coming over. And no, you can't come here either.”
“I just want to talk,” Bulgaria whined.
“That's what you said last time.”
Bulgaria kept insisting and in the end Greece gave in. He felt better, only a little sore. A personal excuse from Bulgaria would be desirable, maybe enough for him to drop the entire thing if it was sincere enough. And if the plan wasn't to apologize Greece would be prepared.
Bulgaria was both tense and embarrassed when he showed up. Greece wondered what possessed him to even try this. He sat down in the messy couch without invitation or before looking down as he should. The cats hissed and escaped just in time.
“Hey, you almost sat on Slovenia and Socialistic Republic of Macedonia!”
“Way to go being petty Greece,” Bulgaria said, but shooed the cats away more gently. “Anyway, I'm sorry.”
Greece stared at him with anticipation, waiting for the rest. Bulgaria squirmed.
“Russia was right. It was... out of line. I don't know what I was thinking.”
“I'm amazed you figured that out. Did Russia threaten you to say that?”
“Russia can go to hell,” Bulgaria said, regaining some credibility in Greece's eyes. “I keep telling myself others acting like idiots doesn't justify me sinking to their level but sometimes I forget...”
“How can I not forgive you when you're that delusively arrogant?”
“You-” Bulgaria started, then changed his mind. “Alright, maybe I deserved that. Again, sorry. Let's not sink to each others levels, we might still discover new lows...”
Since Bulgaria had been humiliated along with him this time he guessed he could get over it. Bulgaria's paranoia didn't come completely out of nowhere, Greece had plotted some nasty pranks on him with his friends in the past. He liked to think he was older and wiser now and wouldn't do things like that anymore. Not that he wouldn't do things like that anymore because Bulgaria got himself a scary boyfriend.
Greece felt tempted letting the uncomfortable silence stretch on and on but in the end his preference for hospitality won out.
“I planned to kick you out and yell at you but since I changed my mind, maybe we should make coffee?”
“I would like that,” Bulgaria said. “Thank you.”
With sweets and coffee Bulgaria submissively referred to as “greek” Greece felt less displeased, remembering again why he sometimes thought Bulgaria could be an acceptable acquaintance. They shared a lot of memories after all. Mostly of being on opposite sides of major wars. But there was also how they both had lived through Ottoman and how they both disliked being yanked around by other nations. And all the entertaining times they messed with each others heads without any major incidents going on in their countries.
They tried their best to keep conversation to harmless topics. Bulgaria began to look more relaxed. Relaxed enough to get touchy. It had always been exciting how Bulgaria was torn between wanting to be friends and probably more and wanting to break his face over real and imagined slights.
“Don't you think Russia will be jealous over how you stay with me all day?” Greece asked, only half-joking. Russia could be very possessive. It was flattering Bulgaria would risk Russia's wrath.
“Fuck him,” Bulgaria said, resting his head on Greece's shoulder and making no signs of wanting to move. “I'm pretty sure he's screwing Prussia while I'm not looking.”
“Would Prussia like that?” Greece had a hard time imagine he would.
“I think not. And getting into a situation like that is why I don't take advice from that incompetent idiot anymore.”
“And getting you into it?”
“I like Russia fine,” Bulgaria said. “As long as he doesn't act like a psycho. And well... Sometimes he does... Not to mention how I have to try to be several countries away from his crazy sisters.”
“It sounds complicated.”
“I know,” Bulgaria sighed.
“Maybe you should try to talk to Russia? Well, not about everything but some of it.”
“I don't know... Most of Russia's gifts are terrible and his ways of saving me aren't that well thought out but he tries so very hard.”
Greece wondered how the hell they had gone from barely being able to look each other in the eye to... to this. Bulgaria looked completely miserable and got even more inappropriately touchy as he continued to complain about all the ways Russia made him lose sleep. Not that Greece was complaining. It was almost cute.
“I do like Russia,” Bulgaria said again to finish off the rant, perhaps to the benefit of the Soviet spies Greece was almost certain he had gotten rid of. “I love when he's crazily possessive. How he's surprisingly good in bed once you explain a thing or two to him and how he's the one person who gets I'm one of the greatest things in the world. But sometimes I feel like I'm one wrong word away from having him show up in my backyard and proudly display his tanks crashing into my home.”
“There, there,” Greece said. It occurred to him things might not be great in the Warsaw pact if Bulgaria was ready to cry on the shoulders of one of his archrivals. Greece always liked that, to be a person Bulgaria both complained about and complained to. How Bulgaria's head had ended up on his lap was an interesting position he was dying to comment on. But he shouldn't ruin this nice moment of neighborly love and bonding across the iron curtain.
And if Bulgaria messed with him again he would threaten to tell everyone about this.
Greece didn't bother to hide next time around. Russia looked lonely and lost, Greece didn't like to think of himself as a bad friend.
“How are you?” he asked, starting up the conversation with few regrets.
“I felt bad lately,” Russia said. “It's your fault. Tell me what I should do about it.”
Greece shrugged.
“I'm not the relationship fairy. I don't know.”
It was sad when you thought about it. Russia was so close to being in a relationship with someone who actually liked him for once.
“You could have fooled me,” Russia muttered.
“Things like this tend to sort themselves out,” Greece said, trying to convince himself it was true too. “I think both you and Bulgaria will be fine. But maybe you should try to go a bit easier on your satellites in general? I think it would work out in your favor.”
“You date Japan,” Russia said. “Japan did horrible things, you could find someone better. You shouldn't tell me I'm wrong.”
“I didn't say that,” Greece protested. He started to get tired of people who didn't listen to what he was saying and accused him of things out of nowhere. “And if you told Japan that his nose would never stop bleeding.”
“Japan is really evil,” Russia insisted.
“Not to me,” Greece said.
“Relationships are very complicated, aren't they?” Russia said with a sigh. “I'm not evil to Bulgaria either but I never know what to do and no one wants to answer my questions.”
It hadn't occurred to Greece until this very moment Bulgaria very likely could be Russia's first serious relationship. Invading Lithuania and claiming he was his boyfriend wasn't a relationship, neither was a quicky with eternally overcompensating France. Such a strange, disturbing thought.
“They are,” Greece said. “I've been told my advice is terrible but if you want to talk I'll try.”
“Maybe another time,” Russia said, his paranoia taking over again. It wouldn't the first time he started to imagine Greece made notes to pass on to America.
The senseless paranoia didn't amuse Greece the way it once had. It all made him depressed and he told Russia once again he was okay with talking as long as he left the pipe at home before they parted.
Strange how many things worked out as planned and yet didn't work out at all. Bulgaria won the battle of Russia's affection, he got Russia while Greece and Serbia ended up with other alliances and Belarus seethed in fury in a corner somewhere. Greece got to see Bulgaria subjected and rather miserable. Russia wanted lots of power and lots of nations who had to be his friends and now he had it. The problem of getting what you wanted, Greece mused, was how you ended up with the all the things you once wanted.
Bulgaria around Russia always looked pale and a bit jumpy, a far cry from his earlier cockiness. Greece found it rather satisfying to know someone else suffered along with him. His Yugoslavia neighbors were angry because he failed to be communist with them and America was annoyed because he wasn't properly grateful to not be communist. Greece felt a bit lonely and got six new cats named after Yugoslavia to discuss it with. His boss thought he had gone insane and never visited Greece's home again.
World meetings had turned less interesting lately because it was always America versus Russia. The non-aligned countries liked to yell at both but no one listened anyway. Greece tried to spend the time getting some well deserved sleep.
When he woke up he realized no one had bothered to tell him the meeting was over this time. The room was empty except for him. He yawned and stretched out. It had been a good nap, he should thank everyone next time for not disturbing him.
The corridor was empty, Greece hurried a little, there was a few nations he would prefer to not be alone with. Then he stopped, watching a scene he never imagined untold in front of him.
Russia was kissing someone he had pressed against the wall in a way that suggested complete domination. Bulgaria, Greece realized with growing interest. Bulgaria's eyes were closed while Russia looked really into it. Popular rumor said all the Warsaw pact nations were Russia's sex slaves. Greece had considered it unlikely until now.
He wasn't discreet in his staring. Bulgaria opened his eyes to look right into his.
“What the hell,” Bulgaria mumbled, still not pushing Russia away.
“Oh, hello Greece,” Russia cheerfully said.
“Hi,” Greece said, waving friendly to Bulgaria who was still trapped between the wall and Russia's body.
“Go away,” Bulgaria said.
“No,” Greece said, smiling for Russia's benefit. He tried out several feelings. Jealously? Completely neutral? Glee? Greece had been a little jealous over how Russia brought Bulgaria in on communism, which was obviously very important to him, even after what an asshole Bulgaria was. Then he started to see being chosen as Russia's new friend and lover could be more of a punishment. That was when the glee set in.
“I think I leave then, “Bulgaria said, still making to move to push Russia away.
Russia took the cue and let go.
“Please don't fight with Greece,” Russia said. “See you later?”
If looks could kill Greece would have been mortally wounded. Since they couldn't he kept smiling innocently.
“That's interesting,” Greece said as the angry and embarrassed Bulgaria left. He still held a bit of a grudge over how Bulgaria kept trying to invade him after all.
“Interesting is not a good thing,” Russia said. Someone must have told him that because he never picked up on it in the past.
“Interesting in a fun way.”
“I thought you didn't like Bulgaria.”
“That's why it's fun.”
“I thought we were friends,” Russia said. “Why would you be happy I'm in a relationship with someone you don't like? Maybe you think America is a better friend and you want me to be miserable...”
Greece almost panicked. It was the kind of situation he had prided himself to being able to avoid. Other people were thoughtless and stupid and ended up with Russia's aura suffocating them and Russia chanting kolkolkol while clutching his faucet... Oh shit, Russia was doing that exact thing that very moment.
“Is there any way this can end with you having your way with me without hitting me with a pipe first?”
Russia's chant of evil stopped in the middle of a kol.
“I'm in a relationship,” Russia mumbled. A red flush slowly crept up his face. When sober Russia was very easily embarrassed.
“That's amazing,” Greece said with as much enthusiasm he could summon. He felt a bit insulted by how Russia always backed off in fear when he hinted he wouldn't mind fooling around a bit. Unlike most nations who were attracted to Russia Greece wasn't even related to him. “If we didn't have an iron curtain and you didn't hate Japan we could all have dinner together. Maybe in another life?”
After getting away with messing with Russia's head once Greece had no plans doing it again. Things never went as planned and Russia went straight after him at the next meeting a few months later.
“Don't you think I can have good relationships?” Russia asked, leaving few choices except answering or run away screaming. The second sounded undignified.
“Why would you ask me that?” Greece said.
“Latvia got ill when I asked him,” Russia said. “A lot of people do. But you look healthy today.”
“In theory, yeah, I guess you could.”
“I don't like the way you put it,” Russia said, in a childishly sulky way. “You're stealth insulting me, aren't you?”
Russia had gotten more attentive lately. Must be the paranoia he shared with America.
“You're the superpower here,” Greece said. “It makes you very very important and amazing, at least that what I got from America's opinions. It's a bit intimidating.”
“Lithuania thinks I'm scary,” Russia quietly said. “Latvia and Estonia too and most of my allies, but that is good, because they aren't nice to me when they're not scared of me. But you and I and Bulgaria always been friends, haven't we? You never try to invade me...”
Greece shrugged, unsure what to say. The imbalance of power was always there, ever since back then Russia was an empire and they newly established states, Bulgaria eager to learn from both Russia's and Prussia's strengths. They had a good relationship with Russia but Russia seemed unclear on what kind of relationship it was.
“I thought Bulgaria liked me a lot, he didn't fight with me even when he was on the other side he didn't want to.”
“We adore you Russia and we're terrified of you,” Greece said, trying honesty with only a little fear. His NATO allies weren't that far away at the moment after all. “It's not mutually exclusive. Well, except for Serbia who just loves you but he's a bit crazy like that.”
“But I try very hard,” Russia helplessly said.
“I know,” Greece soothingly said. “It's nice to know you still care. But you're crushing other nation's spirits under your heels as you give us nice pep talks. It sends mixed signals.”
“Who am I crushing?”
Yet again Greece regretted being outspoken around Russia. What was wrong with him lately? He didn't even care about Bulgaria. Well, maybe he started to care a little about Bulgaria. They both had problems with Turkey for one thing, Greece was glad he had some support in that. Russia didn't stop Bulgaria from talking to other nations beyond his control, that must be another perk of dating the boss.
“Prussia and Hungary?” Greece tried. Russia had been very upset with them. “The Baltics look a bit disheartened lately too.”
“You are very unreasonable,” Russia said. “But since we are friends I wouldn't threat you with my army or my super weapons or any of the horrible things I could do, you have a very fortunate location, right next to one of my most loyal allies...”
“You know I'm military allied with America, right?” Greece said. Russia looked even more displeased but Greece felt it was important to mention at a time like this. “Maybe you should date America? You two are pretty evenly matched.”
And they were both annoying.
Russia looked disgusted.
“I hate America, he is an idiot who spreads lies about me. Can I date Serbia who isn't terrified of me?”
“Sure.”
Greece felt ready to pay money he didn't have to see that happen.
Russia didn't manage to woe Serbia, because the rest of Yugoslavia thought it was a part of an evil scheme to take them over, and was all over Bulgaria at the next world meeting instead. Russia was a big awkward guy, it was a disturbing sight. If Bulgaria had done the clinging it would have looked less off.
“I asked Bulgaria if he liked having a relationship with me,” Russia said. “He said yes and cursed at me for asking stupid questions.”
Russia looked triumphant over this, not seeing the problem at all.
“What did you expect him to say?”
“If he was scared of me he would cry or something.”
Russia picking up social skills was a fascinating thing to watch. It was like he was looking through a skewed mirror and picked up clues just a little off.
“Russia, we're the Balkans. We're not Latvia or Italy, we don't do things like that. I like to imagine we're pretty macho.”
Russia gave him a doubtful look. Greece thought he was just as macho as his neighbors, he just didn't get worked up as easily as some of them. Bulgaria liked to come off as suave and competent but his freakouts were fun and not as rare as he pretended they were. Most of all he was practical, if Russia had gotten too affectionate Greece could easily imagine it would be hard for him to set limits, even to himself, to sort out the feelings between being grateful to Russia and see him as a friend and remembering Russia's dark side and vengeful rage. In his position Greece wasn't sure what he would have done.
“You can't even chose a government for yourself,” Russia said. “I'm not going to take advice from you.”
“You're the superpower,” Greece said. “You do whatever you wish.”
Greece was free of the relationship mess for a few months and thought he had gotten away entirely when America and Russia continued an argument after the meeting, giving Greece enough time to escape into an empty corridor, trying to hide. A few months more and Russia would hopefully forget about it completely.
“I'm beginning to feel I really need to do something about you,” Bulgaria said, making Greece jump. Damn, where did he come from? He must have been waiting for him.
“Russia kept asking me strange questions and act insane after meetings," Bulgaria continued, “When I heard he had been talking to you I was willing to give you a break on that because you're an idiot.”
“Okay?” Greece wondered where Bulgaria was going with this. He looked a bit too calm for someone lurking in an empty corridor.
“Until I found out it was you who tried to make Russia break up with me and set him up with Serbia instead. You and Serbia always conspire against me, I should have guessed right away.”
“It wasn't really like that,” Greece said. Though he might not have acted wisely in hindsight.
“But when I knew for certain I realized I have to kill you,” Bulgaria finished. He delivered the threat in such a monotone voice Greece didn't take it seriously until Bulgaria kicked his legs out under him. Greece collapsed and he had no time to recover before Bulgaria kicked him hard in the side, not even bothering to gloat before continuing to beat him.
“Communist sneak attack!” Greece screamed, hoping America would hear the call he had been waiting for all this time.
“America is busy yelling at Russia,” Bulgaria said and kicked him again. “Let's settle this as men.”
“You're insane,” Greece said, just managing to roll away before Bulgaria would have stomped down on his hand. “Maybe America was right about you guys!”
“Please,” Bulgaria said and picked him up by the hair. “This is personal, not political.”
Bulgaria spent so much time whining about how unfair life was Greece almost forgot he could fight and Greece liked to have some backup when facing off against him. He let his guard down and now Bulgaria was going to fuck him up. He took a deep, shaky breath, trying to prepare to accept it with as much dignity as possible.
“Greece!” he heard a voice he almost forgotten how much he could miss. Bulgaria imminently let go, suddenly looking frightened. Cavalierly was here, though embarrassed Greece was happy to see both America and Russia who followed right behind him.
“What are you doing?” Russia asked in a pleasant way that radiated terrible things to come.
“I thought you claimed you didn't want a fight,” America said, dangerously innocent, as he helped Greece to his feet. Greece took a hard grip on his arm to keep balance and enjoyed how America could look intimidating too. “And now it looks like you were distracting me while your ally attacked mine.”
Greece felt like he was going to throw up and tried to hide it. If he was unlucky Bulgaria could have broken some of his ribs. And now the ridiculous drama was turning into a international incident everyone would hear about. Maybe it would have been easier if he simply got beaten up and brought a friend for payback later.
Without even looking Russia backhanded Bulgaria with his full strength, knocking him to the floor. He picked up the confused Bulgaria, holding him closely without a hint of the gentleness he usually showed.
“Happy?” Russia said, shaking his boyfriend a bit. “Bulgaria acts out of line. I can hit him again if you like.”
“I-eh,” America was lost for words, shocked over the open and casual violence Russia displayed against his close ally and boyfriend. Sometimes his age showed. “No?”
“No?” Russia said. “Then we forget this ever happened.”
He dragged a dazed Bulgaria behind him as Greece and America stared after them in disbelief.
“Did I ever tell you I'm kind of glad I ended up on your side?” Greece said.
“No,” America said.
“I would now if you had told him to hit Bulgaria again.”
Greece tried to explain his outrage to his confused cats. Bulgaria got away way too easily. If he insisted on retribution after Bulgaria's public and humiliating (but in the end not that bad) beating he would look like the asshole.
Sometimes Russia was either brilliant or very lucky. Now America felt bad again over how he and England basically handed over Bulgaria to Russia in return for Greece. And Greece felt terrible over being reminded of how his friends treated him like a tradable commodity.
Some people would say it was insane but Greece felt much calmer after discussing his problems with someone who didn't care. No one could not care with such grace as cats. It made him feel like his problems were as insignificant as the cats treated them. He supposed his ribs would heal in a few days and then he had the rest of his life to plot vengeance.
America had sent him terrible junk food to cheer him up. It didn't arrive until he almost had recovered, which might be for the best. It looked slightly poisonous. Greece hesitantly took a bit of an oddly colored item and decided it wasn't bad after all.
He was still eating when the phone rang. On the other side was the last person he expected, asking the one thing he didn't think he would hear.
“No,” Greece said, not believing his ears. “I'm not coming over. And no, you can't come here either.”
“I just want to talk,” Bulgaria whined.
“That's what you said last time.”
Bulgaria kept insisting and in the end Greece gave in. He felt better, only a little sore. A personal excuse from Bulgaria would be desirable, maybe enough for him to drop the entire thing if it was sincere enough. And if the plan wasn't to apologize Greece would be prepared.
Bulgaria was both tense and embarrassed when he showed up. Greece wondered what possessed him to even try this. He sat down in the messy couch without invitation or before looking down as he should. The cats hissed and escaped just in time.
“Hey, you almost sat on Slovenia and Socialistic Republic of Macedonia!”
“Way to go being petty Greece,” Bulgaria said, but shooed the cats away more gently. “Anyway, I'm sorry.”
Greece stared at him with anticipation, waiting for the rest. Bulgaria squirmed.
“Russia was right. It was... out of line. I don't know what I was thinking.”
“I'm amazed you figured that out. Did Russia threaten you to say that?”
“Russia can go to hell,” Bulgaria said, regaining some credibility in Greece's eyes. “I keep telling myself others acting like idiots doesn't justify me sinking to their level but sometimes I forget...”
“How can I not forgive you when you're that delusively arrogant?”
“You-” Bulgaria started, then changed his mind. “Alright, maybe I deserved that. Again, sorry. Let's not sink to each others levels, we might still discover new lows...”
Since Bulgaria had been humiliated along with him this time he guessed he could get over it. Bulgaria's paranoia didn't come completely out of nowhere, Greece had plotted some nasty pranks on him with his friends in the past. He liked to think he was older and wiser now and wouldn't do things like that anymore. Not that he wouldn't do things like that anymore because Bulgaria got himself a scary boyfriend.
Greece felt tempted letting the uncomfortable silence stretch on and on but in the end his preference for hospitality won out.
“I planned to kick you out and yell at you but since I changed my mind, maybe we should make coffee?”
“I would like that,” Bulgaria said. “Thank you.”
With sweets and coffee Bulgaria submissively referred to as “greek” Greece felt less displeased, remembering again why he sometimes thought Bulgaria could be an acceptable acquaintance. They shared a lot of memories after all. Mostly of being on opposite sides of major wars. But there was also how they both had lived through Ottoman and how they both disliked being yanked around by other nations. And all the entertaining times they messed with each others heads without any major incidents going on in their countries.
They tried their best to keep conversation to harmless topics. Bulgaria began to look more relaxed. Relaxed enough to get touchy. It had always been exciting how Bulgaria was torn between wanting to be friends and probably more and wanting to break his face over real and imagined slights.
“Don't you think Russia will be jealous over how you stay with me all day?” Greece asked, only half-joking. Russia could be very possessive. It was flattering Bulgaria would risk Russia's wrath.
“Fuck him,” Bulgaria said, resting his head on Greece's shoulder and making no signs of wanting to move. “I'm pretty sure he's screwing Prussia while I'm not looking.”
“Would Prussia like that?” Greece had a hard time imagine he would.
“I think not. And getting into a situation like that is why I don't take advice from that incompetent idiot anymore.”
“And getting you into it?”
“I like Russia fine,” Bulgaria said. “As long as he doesn't act like a psycho. And well... Sometimes he does... Not to mention how I have to try to be several countries away from his crazy sisters.”
“It sounds complicated.”
“I know,” Bulgaria sighed.
“Maybe you should try to talk to Russia? Well, not about everything but some of it.”
“I don't know... Most of Russia's gifts are terrible and his ways of saving me aren't that well thought out but he tries so very hard.”
Greece wondered how the hell they had gone from barely being able to look each other in the eye to... to this. Bulgaria looked completely miserable and got even more inappropriately touchy as he continued to complain about all the ways Russia made him lose sleep. Not that Greece was complaining. It was almost cute.
“I do like Russia,” Bulgaria said again to finish off the rant, perhaps to the benefit of the Soviet spies Greece was almost certain he had gotten rid of. “I love when he's crazily possessive. How he's surprisingly good in bed once you explain a thing or two to him and how he's the one person who gets I'm one of the greatest things in the world. But sometimes I feel like I'm one wrong word away from having him show up in my backyard and proudly display his tanks crashing into my home.”
“There, there,” Greece said. It occurred to him things might not be great in the Warsaw pact if Bulgaria was ready to cry on the shoulders of one of his archrivals. Greece always liked that, to be a person Bulgaria both complained about and complained to. How Bulgaria's head had ended up on his lap was an interesting position he was dying to comment on. But he shouldn't ruin this nice moment of neighborly love and bonding across the iron curtain.
And if Bulgaria messed with him again he would threaten to tell everyone about this.
Greece didn't bother to hide next time around. Russia looked lonely and lost, Greece didn't like to think of himself as a bad friend.
“How are you?” he asked, starting up the conversation with few regrets.
“I felt bad lately,” Russia said. “It's your fault. Tell me what I should do about it.”
Greece shrugged.
“I'm not the relationship fairy. I don't know.”
It was sad when you thought about it. Russia was so close to being in a relationship with someone who actually liked him for once.
“You could have fooled me,” Russia muttered.
“Things like this tend to sort themselves out,” Greece said, trying to convince himself it was true too. “I think both you and Bulgaria will be fine. But maybe you should try to go a bit easier on your satellites in general? I think it would work out in your favor.”
“You date Japan,” Russia said. “Japan did horrible things, you could find someone better. You shouldn't tell me I'm wrong.”
“I didn't say that,” Greece protested. He started to get tired of people who didn't listen to what he was saying and accused him of things out of nowhere. “And if you told Japan that his nose would never stop bleeding.”
“Japan is really evil,” Russia insisted.
“Not to me,” Greece said.
“Relationships are very complicated, aren't they?” Russia said with a sigh. “I'm not evil to Bulgaria either but I never know what to do and no one wants to answer my questions.”
It hadn't occurred to Greece until this very moment Bulgaria very likely could be Russia's first serious relationship. Invading Lithuania and claiming he was his boyfriend wasn't a relationship, neither was a quicky with eternally overcompensating France. Such a strange, disturbing thought.
“They are,” Greece said. “I've been told my advice is terrible but if you want to talk I'll try.”
“Maybe another time,” Russia said, his paranoia taking over again. It wouldn't the first time he started to imagine Greece made notes to pass on to America.
The senseless paranoia didn't amuse Greece the way it once had. It all made him depressed and he told Russia once again he was okay with talking as long as he left the pipe at home before they parted.
Strange how many things worked out as planned and yet didn't work out at all. Bulgaria won the battle of Russia's affection, he got Russia while Greece and Serbia ended up with other alliances and Belarus seethed in fury in a corner somewhere. Greece got to see Bulgaria subjected and rather miserable. Russia wanted lots of power and lots of nations who had to be his friends and now he had it. The problem of getting what you wanted, Greece mused, was how you ended up with the all the things you once wanted.