Its that little scared feeling.....
Tomorrow is my birthday. My 25th birthday.
I've never really liked my birthday - I always seem to feel really stressed out by it and it never seems to live up to my expectations, always generally turning out to be like a 'normal' day. I am not really sure what I expect it to be like but I always feel let down by my own expectations.
This one is starting to turn out to be no exception and I am starting to wonder if it is going to be really hard as I am miles away from my family, who I know will call me to wish me a happy birthday (which will only serve to make me feel guilty about being in Birmingham - either way I am on a losing streak before I have even started).
On Saturday, I had a really good afternoon and evening but in the morning I was not totally calm. I love organising gatherings but the pressure was on as it was for my birthday and I always set the bar to an almost unobtainable height. The trick, like when Chandler starts to stress out about his and Monika's wedding, is to break everything up into little steps so that a party no longer becomes a party - it is getting up, doing legs, nails and showering. Then its just food shopping (with a well organised list). Then its just unpacking the shopping. Then just cooking etc, etc, until I can get to the point that I can start to relax (usually with the help of strong alcohol or a good group of friends who allow me to feel comfortable or both). There were moments when I started to, or totally lost my composure. For example, I came home from food shopping to a birthday card in the post - I know its from my Grandad because I recognise the handwriting without even opening the card, but the emotions this throws to the surface made me feel (and still does) stressed, tearful, lost and at times quite alone - even though
flyingmousewas standing right next to me and
roguesolowas just about to finish work. As quick as I lost my composure, I regained it (a hardened professional now that I am almost in my 25th year). But that was not the only time during the day that my inner self managed to escape into the real world, even if just for a moment.
So tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 25 years old at 8pm (I think) and like every birthday, every year, it scares the crap out of me. It reminds me that life never stands still and it reminds me of all of the things that I said I was going to do that haven't quite happened yet. 25 seems like an even larger milestone as I am now going to be classified as mid-20's. I should have direction and drive but I feel like I am floundering by the wayside, treading water, ever hopeful that I will be rescued (either by myself or a passing object (person, car, helicopter, raft - anything that could potentially make me feel like I was making headway) before I turn into a prune or am eaten by a shark).
And, disappointment is inevitable as tomorow will be a normal day, like every other. My alarm will go off at 6:30am, I will press snooze until I really have to get out of bed, I will shower, dry myself, put on deodorant, dress my bottom half, comb my hair, pull on a top, go downstairs, make toast and tea, eat quickly and go to school, stopping to pick Calum up on the way - although tomorrow will have the added reminder that time has moved forward without me feeling like I have made much progress ( the old addage same shit, different day is starting to spring to mind). And to top it all off, I will wake up, on my birthday, on my own to eat breakfast, on my own and open cards on my 25th birthday alone before wiping away my tears (which I know will happen) and pretending that everything is ok and going off to school pretending that birthdays are FUN when really it is my Friday 13th.
By the afternoon, i am sure that I will have recovered my composure. I will be really looking forward to having dinner with
roguesolo , probably over at the Swallows Nest, where we know the food is good and we will have a good time. And by then end of the week, I will hopefully have forgotten how painful this currently feels and think to myself that I was being a stupid bitch and that now that I am 25 I should act like it!!! It does make me wonder, however, if I will ever come round to the idea that bithdays should be a fun and enjoyable experience?
I've never really liked my birthday - I always seem to feel really stressed out by it and it never seems to live up to my expectations, always generally turning out to be like a 'normal' day. I am not really sure what I expect it to be like but I always feel let down by my own expectations.
This one is starting to turn out to be no exception and I am starting to wonder if it is going to be really hard as I am miles away from my family, who I know will call me to wish me a happy birthday (which will only serve to make me feel guilty about being in Birmingham - either way I am on a losing streak before I have even started).
On Saturday, I had a really good afternoon and evening but in the morning I was not totally calm. I love organising gatherings but the pressure was on as it was for my birthday and I always set the bar to an almost unobtainable height. The trick, like when Chandler starts to stress out about his and Monika's wedding, is to break everything up into little steps so that a party no longer becomes a party - it is getting up, doing legs, nails and showering. Then its just food shopping (with a well organised list). Then its just unpacking the shopping. Then just cooking etc, etc, until I can get to the point that I can start to relax (usually with the help of strong alcohol or a good group of friends who allow me to feel comfortable or both). There were moments when I started to, or totally lost my composure. For example, I came home from food shopping to a birthday card in the post - I know its from my Grandad because I recognise the handwriting without even opening the card, but the emotions this throws to the surface made me feel (and still does) stressed, tearful, lost and at times quite alone - even though
flyingmousewas standing right next to me and
roguesolowas just about to finish work. As quick as I lost my composure, I regained it (a hardened professional now that I am almost in my 25th year). But that was not the only time during the day that my inner self managed to escape into the real world, even if just for a moment.
So tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 25 years old at 8pm (I think) and like every birthday, every year, it scares the crap out of me. It reminds me that life never stands still and it reminds me of all of the things that I said I was going to do that haven't quite happened yet. 25 seems like an even larger milestone as I am now going to be classified as mid-20's. I should have direction and drive but I feel like I am floundering by the wayside, treading water, ever hopeful that I will be rescued (either by myself or a passing object (person, car, helicopter, raft - anything that could potentially make me feel like I was making headway) before I turn into a prune or am eaten by a shark).
And, disappointment is inevitable as tomorow will be a normal day, like every other. My alarm will go off at 6:30am, I will press snooze until I really have to get out of bed, I will shower, dry myself, put on deodorant, dress my bottom half, comb my hair, pull on a top, go downstairs, make toast and tea, eat quickly and go to school, stopping to pick Calum up on the way - although tomorrow will have the added reminder that time has moved forward without me feeling like I have made much progress ( the old addage same shit, different day is starting to spring to mind). And to top it all off, I will wake up, on my birthday, on my own to eat breakfast, on my own and open cards on my 25th birthday alone before wiping away my tears (which I know will happen) and pretending that everything is ok and going off to school pretending that birthdays are FUN when really it is my Friday 13th.
By the afternoon, i am sure that I will have recovered my composure. I will be really looking forward to having dinner with
roguesolo , probably over at the Swallows Nest, where we know the food is good and we will have a good time. And by then end of the week, I will hopefully have forgotten how painful this currently feels and think to myself that I was being a stupid bitch and that now that I am 25 I should act like it!!! It does make me wonder, however, if I will ever come round to the idea that bithdays should be a fun and enjoyable experience?