problems
it's so funny... as i read back to what i wrote a month or so ago, it's so similar to how i am feeling now. maybe it's my period, but, truthfully, i like it when this side of me comes out. i finally confront problems that i hold back. everything i say is true. i never lie. i would hope some people could realize that, though. here is what i wrote:
A school full of fakes... and b*tches. I curse WAY too much now. I guess it is my escape from things if I am able to look at a situation in a different way than it actually is, it makes me feel better. At least it can be an escape from reality. I am so tired of being so fake. I wish that i could allow myself to be open. Sometimes i can't help but eel alone. I sit here thinking, surrounded by all the people in the cafeteria, and i realize that i AM alone. People are always fake and act nice, but i can't help but wonder if it is genuine. It is always my personal reaction to question people. Lately, I am constantly reminded of the horrific things that i've been through. no one truly knows. no one understands...
and it continues on to some things that i wish to not share online.. There is another passage that i would ilke to share:
Why do i fall so easily? i LOVE the fact that i have someone to spend time with and to have someone who cares. That is one of my fears: to have someone who cares, and then have them leave. I think that's why i'm afraid to open up to guys. With him, though, there are so many options for me to choose from. I just have so much that i want to say.
I love being outside. I miss it so much. I used to be the BIGGEST tomboy and come outside to play. Nature can be so mesmerizing and i wish more people could/would notice that. Some people just don't have the ability to notice how truly amazing the world and nature is.
I miss writing. I miss being inspired. I could just have an idea and all of my thoughts would float out onto the page, and everything seemed to always fit so well. Life is life that, you know? Everything just falls in to place as it should.
That was all written at the same time. but i'm so ADD that i often switch topics while writing.
And the one i wrote tonight... i will share that with anyone who cares enough to read it:
I haven't written in forever. It is pretty surprising, actually. With the emotions i've been spilling out lately. I've rejected myself. I think that when others reject me, i reject myself. I see no point in trying when there is never anyone to care for me in the way that i want. ******. That one name brings so much now. At the beginning of the yearm i'd never even known him, but now my life seems to revolve around him. How did i get alond do well at the beginning without him? i sit here writing this outside and my fingers are beginning to numb. I think that's how my whole brain has been this past week- NUMB. Numb to the continuous rejection that is my life. People pass by and call me name, but no one stops to ask why i'm here. I guess I should stop testing people. Although i am still surprised when everyone fails. I can't help but test my friends. ****** used to always pass. Everything i tested him on- he'd pass and i knew i could trust him. But now, i just feel that i can't. I don't feel that when we are alone i can just freely talk to him. So many people always interrupt us and he seems glad at the opportunity to stop the conversation. I wish he could feel more open to me. I wonder what has happened in his life to stop him from trusting so freely. I see ****** now, and all i feel is jealousy. Sometimes i just sit down and wish i could contol my emotions, but i can't and i get frustrated at the fact that i can't control that. I feel she is the reason i can't hold his attention, too.
i never really got a chance to finish.. so here goes....
I guess i'll just have to get used to things like that, but truthfully what i really liked about ****** was the fact that he was mature and i could hold a conversation with him and i wouldn't feel that my life had been wasted.
I feel so left out sometimes, well, a lot of the time, actually. My roommate and the person who is ALWAYS in our room are perfect friends. They're both pretty and skinny and they hang out with *** **** all the time and can have a good time. When i'm with them, though, i feel left out and like i don't belong. I never felt like that with ******. I always felt welcome, and i think he wanted to make me comfortable. I just can't hang around the two of them together. I just feel so left out. She acts like a two-year-old and has about the same attention span and when he's with her he acts the same. I don't lie to associate myself with people like that 24/7, truthfully. I get aggravated and annoyed SO easily. It has only been in high school, though. My freshman year was fine, i could act like an idiot if i wanted to and i had no problem with it. My sophomore year, i felt it coming and this year it has hit me like an 18-wheeler speeding on an interstate. I just feel more mature, and i hate it so much. I feel that i never really got a chance to fulfill my childhood and i don't want to grow up. Others here can act childish SO easily. I have to actually TRY just to be childish. I guess i'm just not meant to be a child.
I realized tonight that i can't be friends with people who don't trust me. I never kept a friendship for long if the trust wasn't mutual. I feel that i've done nothing to prove that my trust isn't worthy.
My fingers hurt from typing so much and i'm not even finished.
I may update later, i may not.. depending on whether i feel that i've vented thoroughly. I am also sO tired from crying for the past three days in a row, so i'll let all this just SINK IN.. lol.
Thanks to anyone who actually took their time to read this, it does mean a lot. And those with the starred names... you know who you are.
once again, thanks
[nicole]
A school full of fakes... and b*tches. I curse WAY too much now. I guess it is my escape from things if I am able to look at a situation in a different way than it actually is, it makes me feel better. At least it can be an escape from reality. I am so tired of being so fake. I wish that i could allow myself to be open. Sometimes i can't help but eel alone. I sit here thinking, surrounded by all the people in the cafeteria, and i realize that i AM alone. People are always fake and act nice, but i can't help but wonder if it is genuine. It is always my personal reaction to question people. Lately, I am constantly reminded of the horrific things that i've been through. no one truly knows. no one understands...
and it continues on to some things that i wish to not share online.. There is another passage that i would ilke to share:
Why do i fall so easily? i LOVE the fact that i have someone to spend time with and to have someone who cares. That is one of my fears: to have someone who cares, and then have them leave. I think that's why i'm afraid to open up to guys. With him, though, there are so many options for me to choose from. I just have so much that i want to say.
I love being outside. I miss it so much. I used to be the BIGGEST tomboy and come outside to play. Nature can be so mesmerizing and i wish more people could/would notice that. Some people just don't have the ability to notice how truly amazing the world and nature is.
I miss writing. I miss being inspired. I could just have an idea and all of my thoughts would float out onto the page, and everything seemed to always fit so well. Life is life that, you know? Everything just falls in to place as it should.
That was all written at the same time. but i'm so ADD that i often switch topics while writing.
And the one i wrote tonight... i will share that with anyone who cares enough to read it:
I haven't written in forever. It is pretty surprising, actually. With the emotions i've been spilling out lately. I've rejected myself. I think that when others reject me, i reject myself. I see no point in trying when there is never anyone to care for me in the way that i want. ******. That one name brings so much now. At the beginning of the yearm i'd never even known him, but now my life seems to revolve around him. How did i get alond do well at the beginning without him? i sit here writing this outside and my fingers are beginning to numb. I think that's how my whole brain has been this past week- NUMB. Numb to the continuous rejection that is my life. People pass by and call me name, but no one stops to ask why i'm here. I guess I should stop testing people. Although i am still surprised when everyone fails. I can't help but test my friends. ****** used to always pass. Everything i tested him on- he'd pass and i knew i could trust him. But now, i just feel that i can't. I don't feel that when we are alone i can just freely talk to him. So many people always interrupt us and he seems glad at the opportunity to stop the conversation. I wish he could feel more open to me. I wonder what has happened in his life to stop him from trusting so freely. I see ****** now, and all i feel is jealousy. Sometimes i just sit down and wish i could contol my emotions, but i can't and i get frustrated at the fact that i can't control that. I feel she is the reason i can't hold his attention, too.
i never really got a chance to finish.. so here goes....
I guess i'll just have to get used to things like that, but truthfully what i really liked about ****** was the fact that he was mature and i could hold a conversation with him and i wouldn't feel that my life had been wasted.
I feel so left out sometimes, well, a lot of the time, actually. My roommate and the person who is ALWAYS in our room are perfect friends. They're both pretty and skinny and they hang out with *** **** all the time and can have a good time. When i'm with them, though, i feel left out and like i don't belong. I never felt like that with ******. I always felt welcome, and i think he wanted to make me comfortable. I just can't hang around the two of them together. I just feel so left out. She acts like a two-year-old and has about the same attention span and when he's with her he acts the same. I don't lie to associate myself with people like that 24/7, truthfully. I get aggravated and annoyed SO easily. It has only been in high school, though. My freshman year was fine, i could act like an idiot if i wanted to and i had no problem with it. My sophomore year, i felt it coming and this year it has hit me like an 18-wheeler speeding on an interstate. I just feel more mature, and i hate it so much. I feel that i never really got a chance to fulfill my childhood and i don't want to grow up. Others here can act childish SO easily. I have to actually TRY just to be childish. I guess i'm just not meant to be a child.
I realized tonight that i can't be friends with people who don't trust me. I never kept a friendship for long if the trust wasn't mutual. I feel that i've done nothing to prove that my trust isn't worthy.
My fingers hurt from typing so much and i'm not even finished.
I may update later, i may not.. depending on whether i feel that i've vented thoroughly. I am also sO tired from crying for the past three days in a row, so i'll let all this just SINK IN.. lol.
Thanks to anyone who actually took their time to read this, it does mean a lot. And those with the starred names... you know who you are.
once again, thanks
[nicole]