Rhapsody In Blue - Day 17(?)
[[Real Life and a small amount of laziness had something to do with me not posting. D:]]
So, it's late like last time. It's too busy here during the day to write and at night, I usually fall asleep due to exhaustion. But now, I can't. I'm sitting here, underneath counter, directly below the cash register. I'm here because, from this spot, I can't see out the window or the tables. I can pretend I'm hiding under the counter of my kitchen at home. It's selfish, I know, to pretend otherwise, when others may not be able to have the same comfort. I feel guilty about it, but I refuse to move. I need this time, to think, to plot, to plan, to worry, to dream, to cry and to do all those other emotional things, to make sure I don't meltdown and just stop.
I'm not lonely. I have 'Kin and Dem with me and there's Rii. There's Ira and George and Kaye too. I'm not unhappy. I like being here, it's calm and peaceful and I can always leave, if I didn't. Heck, I'm not even homesick, very much. No, it's not any of those things.
I'm... I'm not doing anything. There's nothing here that I can help with. Sure, I'm helping Rii with her job and I'm keeping her company, yeah. But, it's... not enough? I don't understand. I want to make a difference, but I can't. We aren't even supposed to be here. I'm... useless.
I can't fight, can't plan, can't scheme, can't be resourceful, can't forgive myself for my mistakes, can't waitress, can't go home, can't find a job on my own, can't think of an idea, can't, can't, can't.
I'm useless.
I can't stay here. I'm sorry, Rii, but on Wednesday, when the train comes again, I'm leaving. Where? I don't know. I'll be back next week. May I leave 'Kin and Dem with you?
I need different clothes. The ones from Old Earth and Blue York just aren't... me. Yeah, my pjs from OE were nice to begin with, but I'm sick of wearing them and the ones I borrowed here are just that, borrowed. I have no idea what the worth of munny is compared to dollar, does anyone? I want to go to one of the Alternate Earths. Not to see my family or anything, that would hurt and I don't need to hurt more, when we're all hurting, but to find clothes that are familiar in style and such. Washington D.C. might be a good choice, I've never been there, and neither has my family or anyone I know personally. (I think)
...Maybe I'll go to San Fransisco. It's a familiar area, but I haven't been on a trip to there in a looooong time and my mom and dad don't go on many trips without me, so I think it'd be safe.
Nothing's really happened around here lately. Rii participated in Talent Nite again, but I didn't go, so I don't know what happened there. Ask her. I didn't think I could hack it with a clarinet. Besides, it would be odd, to sound like a clarinet and play one too, I think. Other than that, I've done nothing of interest. I've waited tables, cleaned dishes, nearly broke a ton of dishes, tripped a grand total of 67 times over the entire course of my stay here and watched my kittens hunt mice.
I don't mean to sound emo and skip around so much. It's just hard to think when I need to and easy to think when I shouldn't.
So, it's late like last time. It's too busy here during the day to write and at night, I usually fall asleep due to exhaustion. But now, I can't. I'm sitting here, underneath counter, directly below the cash register. I'm here because, from this spot, I can't see out the window or the tables. I can pretend I'm hiding under the counter of my kitchen at home. It's selfish, I know, to pretend otherwise, when others may not be able to have the same comfort. I feel guilty about it, but I refuse to move. I need this time, to think, to plot, to plan, to worry, to dream, to cry and to do all those other emotional things, to make sure I don't meltdown and just stop.
I'm not lonely. I have 'Kin and Dem with me and there's Rii. There's Ira and George and Kaye too. I'm not unhappy. I like being here, it's calm and peaceful and I can always leave, if I didn't. Heck, I'm not even homesick, very much. No, it's not any of those things.
I'm... I'm not doing anything. There's nothing here that I can help with. Sure, I'm helping Rii with her job and I'm keeping her company, yeah. But, it's... not enough? I don't understand. I want to make a difference, but I can't. We aren't even supposed to be here. I'm... useless.
I can't fight, can't plan, can't scheme, can't be resourceful, can't forgive myself for my mistakes, can't waitress, can't go home, can't find a job on my own, can't think of an idea, can't, can't, can't.
I'm useless.
I can't stay here. I'm sorry, Rii, but on Wednesday, when the train comes again, I'm leaving. Where? I don't know. I'll be back next week. May I leave 'Kin and Dem with you?
I need different clothes. The ones from Old Earth and Blue York just aren't... me. Yeah, my pjs from OE were nice to begin with, but I'm sick of wearing them and the ones I borrowed here are just that, borrowed. I have no idea what the worth of munny is compared to dollar, does anyone? I want to go to one of the Alternate Earths. Not to see my family or anything, that would hurt and I don't need to hurt more, when we're all hurting, but to find clothes that are familiar in style and such. Washington D.C. might be a good choice, I've never been there, and neither has my family or anyone I know personally. (I think)
...Maybe I'll go to San Fransisco. It's a familiar area, but I haven't been on a trip to there in a looooong time and my mom and dad don't go on many trips without me, so I think it'd be safe.
Nothing's really happened around here lately. Rii participated in Talent Nite again, but I didn't go, so I don't know what happened there. Ask her. I didn't think I could hack it with a clarinet. Besides, it would be odd, to sound like a clarinet and play one too, I think. Other than that, I've done nothing of interest. I've waited tables, cleaned dishes, nearly broke a ton of dishes, tripped a grand total of 67 times over the entire course of my stay here and watched my kittens hunt mice.
I don't mean to sound emo and skip around so much. It's just hard to think when I need to and easy to think when I shouldn't.