Clueless
I am almost 20 and I feel really disconnected and out of control. Yes I have a job ,and a roof over my head, but I really want to be back in college and more importantly connected to a strong community of activists, artists and queers. I've gotten quite a few rejection letters already I am waiting on two more and then that's it, all of my options for this upcoming Fall are spent. I don't know where to go from there. Do I go back to Dutchess? Where I will be miserable but at least somewhat academically engaged, and possibly connected to a small activism network? Should I try to follow my secret dream and go to cosmetology school, do I have the patience for it? Will leaving the academic world weaken my beliefs and my ability to support them? Should I wait and work, and re-apply as a freshman to all of these colleges? The spaces open for transfers were so small this year, the smallest being 10 spaces. If I had known I was comepeting for 1 of 10 spaces I honestly would have felt better about buying some impulse bullshit.
I have an amazing and supportive partner but there is only so much he can do, he can't make colleges accept me, he can only hug me and tell me its ok when they don't, and I am really scared about when he leaves for California and that physical support is gone and it's just me and my regrets. I barely have friends here. And that is my fault. I am abrasive, critical and just plain mean. It's not endearing. The folks I do sometimes hang out with are great people but we barely have things in common or if we have things in common and I genuinely like them they live a distance away and that makes regular visits hard to manage. I know there is an abundance of community in NYC but I can't access it easily and regularly.
This is me now.
This is me 2 years ago.
I just don't have a clue.
I have an amazing and supportive partner but there is only so much he can do, he can't make colleges accept me, he can only hug me and tell me its ok when they don't, and I am really scared about when he leaves for California and that physical support is gone and it's just me and my regrets. I barely have friends here. And that is my fault. I am abrasive, critical and just plain mean. It's not endearing. The folks I do sometimes hang out with are great people but we barely have things in common or if we have things in common and I genuinely like them they live a distance away and that makes regular visits hard to manage. I know there is an abundance of community in NYC but I can't access it easily and regularly.
This is me now.
This is me 2 years ago.
I just don't have a clue.