(no subject)
Sometimes I feel like two different people. Right now one part of me wants to curl up into a ball and hide from the world while I work out internally the things with which I need to deal. Another part of me wants to run out onto the world stage in a screaming ball of fuck-it type adventure.
The world just never stops demanding of us. Every day it demands more of me, and every day I wonder if I am capable of keeping up with the demands. And if I grow weary and fall back from the demands, the world only comes at my door with twice the volume and twice the level of urgency. Every day I feel as if I should be doing more. Going back for more degrees. Going out to get a better job. The degrees sometimes seem like something I want to do. Other times it feels like pressure to win a feeling of adequacy from others, including very much my friends. Other times it feels like simply a way to make more money to try to relieve some of the stress of not having more money. With my job, most of the time I could be very happy with my job if I made more money doing what I do.
Sometimes I feel quite happy in Bloomington. Sometimes I feel the need to move on. Sometimes the feel of needing to move on is driven by an internal desire to live in a large city. Sometimes I feel like it is from the often present chorus around me of how people should want to move out of Bloomington. Having moved to the other side of the world by myself, I can say quite frankly that the idea of moving to a place where I do not have friends is not appealing. I depend very much on my friendships. But then again, my friends are and will be moving on with their own lives, and then what will I have left here?
For one reason or another, there is so far only one person on this planet with whom I feel I can drop all of the pressure of having the feeling for the need of a pretense of being or not being what I am "supposed" to be, and simply be. Not that I feel like I am being fake or a fake personality. I just feel with 99% of people a pressure to be more and/or better than what I am. With a very small number of friends I feel like they are actively evaluating me constantly. With most others, I think it is an internal feeling of inadequacy; I should be smarter; I should have more degrees; I should be funnier; I should be better looking; I should be more in shape; I should be wittier; I should be a better listener; I should know more than I do; I should have read more books than I have read; I should be able to remember quotes; I should be able to quote Intellectual X. Part of this pressure, I think, just comes from having some really intelligent, capable friends. I guess if I hung out with boring idiots I would not have this pressure.
My secular god, Trent Reznor and I seem to have been evolving in a parallel path since the 1980's. My recent discovery that he was in some pop band before Nine Inch Nails only makes this even more so. I feel like I probably wasn't much different in the 80's. He seems to have written lyrics at each point in my life that mirror my deeper, darker, introverted feelings during those of my life since the very late 1980's. This still seems to be happening. Words from the Modern Trent:
I believe I can see the future
Cause I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
But then again, that might have been a dream
I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound
I just do what I’ve been told
I really don’t want them to come around, oh no
Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same
I can feel their eyes are watching
In case I lose myself again
Sometimes I think I’m happy here
(Sometimes)
Sometimes, yet I still pretend
I can’t remember how this got started
Oh, but I can tell you exactly how it will end
Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same
I’ll write it on a little piece of paper
I’m hoping, someday, you might find
Well I’ll hide it behind something
They won’t look behind
I am still inside her
A little bit comes bleeding through
I wish this could’ve been any other way
But I just don’t know, I don’t know what else I can do
Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same
(Every day is the same!)
- Every Day Is Exactly The Same
I'm becoming less defined
As days go by
Fading away
Well you might say
I'm losing focus
Kinda drifting into the abstract
In terms of how I see myself
Sometimes I think I can see right through myself
Sometimes I think I can see right through myself
I think sometimes I can see right through myself
Less concerned
About fitting into the world
Your world that is
Cuz it doesn't really matter
No it doesn't really matter
No it doesn't really matter any more
None of this really matters any more
Yes, I am alone
But then again I always was
As far back as I can tell
I think maybe it's because
Because you were never really real
To begin with
I just made you up to hurt myself
I just made you up to hurt myself
Yeah, and I just made you up to hurt myself
I just made you up to hurt myself
Yeah, and I just made you up to hurt myself
And it worked
Yes it did
There is no you
There is only me
There is no you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me
Only
Only
Only
Only
Well the tiniest little dot caught my eye
And it turned out to be a scab
And I had this funny feeling
Like I just knew it's something bad
I just couldn't leave it alone
Pickin' at that scab
It was a doorway trying to seal itself shut
But I climbed through
Now I am somewhere I am not supposed to be
And I can see things I never really shoulda seen
And now I know why
And now I know why
Things aren't as pretty
On the inside
There is no you
There is only me
There is no you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me
Only
Only
Only
Only
Only
Only
Only
Only
- Only
See the animal in his cage that you built,
See the animal in his cage that you built
Are you sure what side you're on?
Are you sure whats natural
Better not look him too closely in the eye,
Na'now don't look too closely in the eye
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?
Are you sure what side of the glass you're on
See the safety of the life you have built,
See the safety of the life you have built
Everything where it belongs
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart,
See the hollowness inside of your home
And it's all...right where it belongs
And it's all... Right Where it belongs
What if everything around you,
What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
Isn't quite as it seems
What if all the world you think you know,
What if all the world you think you know
Is an elaborate dream?
Is an elaborate dream.
And if you look at your reflection,
Is it all you want it to be?
An' If you look at your reflection
What if you could look right through the cracks,
Is that all you want to be
Would you find yourself...find yourself afraid to see?
What if you could look right through the cracks
would you find yourself... find yourself afraid to see
What if all the world's inside of your head?
Just creations of your own
What if all the worlds inside of your head
Your devils and your gods all the living and the dead
Just creations of your own
And you really oughta know
The devils and your gods all the living and the dead
And you're really all alone
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You can live in this illusion
You keep looking but you can't find the words,
You can't choose to believe
Are you hiding in the trees?
You keep looking but you can't find the words
Now you're hiding in your dreams
What if everything around you,
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if everything around you
What if all the world you used to know,
Isn't quite as it seems
Is an elaborate dream?
What if all the world you used to know
Is an elaborate dream.
And if you look at your reflection,
Is it all you want it to be?
An' If you look at your reflection
What if you could look right through the cracks,
Is that all you want to be
Would you find yourself...find yourself afraid to see?
what if you could look right through the cracks
would you find yourself... find yourself afraid to see
- Right Where It Belongs
Watching all the insects march along
Seem to know just right where they belong
Smears a face reflecting in the chrome
Hiding in the crowd, I'm all alone
No one's heard a single word I've said
They don't sound as good outside my head
It looks as though the past is here to stay
I've become a million miles aw-
Why do you get all the love in the world?
Why do you get all the love in the world?
All the jagged edges disappear
Colors all are brighter when you're near
The stars are all afire in the sky
Sometimes I get so lonely, I could
Why do you get all the love in the world?
Why do you get all the love in the world?
Why do you get all the love in the world?
Why do you get all the love in the world?
Why do you get all the love in the world?
Why do you get all the love in the world?
Why do you get all the love in the world?
Why do you get all the love in the world?
[repeat]
- All The Love In The World
The world just never stops demanding of us. Every day it demands more of me, and every day I wonder if I am capable of keeping up with the demands. And if I grow weary and fall back from the demands, the world only comes at my door with twice the volume and twice the level of urgency. Every day I feel as if I should be doing more. Going back for more degrees. Going out to get a better job. The degrees sometimes seem like something I want to do. Other times it feels like pressure to win a feeling of adequacy from others, including very much my friends. Other times it feels like simply a way to make more money to try to relieve some of the stress of not having more money. With my job, most of the time I could be very happy with my job if I made more money doing what I do.
Sometimes I feel quite happy in Bloomington. Sometimes I feel the need to move on. Sometimes the feel of needing to move on is driven by an internal desire to live in a large city. Sometimes I feel like it is from the often present chorus around me of how people should want to move out of Bloomington. Having moved to the other side of the world by myself, I can say quite frankly that the idea of moving to a place where I do not have friends is not appealing. I depend very much on my friendships. But then again, my friends are and will be moving on with their own lives, and then what will I have left here?
For one reason or another, there is so far only one person on this planet with whom I feel I can drop all of the pressure of having the feeling for the need of a pretense of being or not being what I am "supposed" to be, and simply be. Not that I feel like I am being fake or a fake personality. I just feel with 99% of people a pressure to be more and/or better than what I am. With a very small number of friends I feel like they are actively evaluating me constantly. With most others, I think it is an internal feeling of inadequacy; I should be smarter; I should have more degrees; I should be funnier; I should be better looking; I should be more in shape; I should be wittier; I should be a better listener; I should know more than I do; I should have read more books than I have read; I should be able to remember quotes; I should be able to quote Intellectual X. Part of this pressure, I think, just comes from having some really intelligent, capable friends. I guess if I hung out with boring idiots I would not have this pressure.
My secular god, Trent Reznor and I seem to have been evolving in a parallel path since the 1980's. My recent discovery that he was in some pop band before Nine Inch Nails only makes this even more so. I feel like I probably wasn't much different in the 80's. He seems to have written lyrics at each point in my life that mirror my deeper, darker, introverted feelings during those of my life since the very late 1980's. This still seems to be happening. Words from the Modern Trent:
I believe I can see the future
Cause I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
But then again, that might have been a dream
I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound
I just do what I’ve been told
I really don’t want them to come around, oh no
Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same
I can feel their eyes are watching
In case I lose myself again
Sometimes I think I’m happy here
(Sometimes)
Sometimes, yet I still pretend
I can’t remember how this got started
Oh, but I can tell you exactly how it will end
Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same
I’ll write it on a little piece of paper
I’m hoping, someday, you might find
Well I’ll hide it behind something
They won’t look behind
I am still inside her
A little bit comes bleeding through
I wish this could’ve been any other way
But I just don’t know, I don’t know what else I can do
Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same
(Every day is the same!)
- Every Day Is Exactly The Same
I'm becoming less defined
As days go by
Fading away
Well you might say
I'm losing focus
Kinda drifting into the abstract
In terms of how I see myself
Sometimes I think I can see right through myself
Sometimes I think I can see right through myself
I think sometimes I can see right through myself
Less concerned
About fitting into the world
Your world that is
Cuz it doesn't really matter
No it doesn't really matter
No it doesn't really matter any more
None of this really matters any more
Yes, I am alone
But then again I always was
As far back as I can tell
I think maybe it's because
Because you were never really real
To begin with
I just made you up to hurt myself
I just made you up to hurt myself
Yeah, and I just made you up to hurt myself
I just made you up to hurt myself
Yeah, and I just made you up to hurt myself
And it worked
Yes it did
There is no you
There is only me
There is no you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me
Only
Only
Only
Only
Well the tiniest little dot caught my eye
And it turned out to be a scab
And I had this funny feeling
Like I just knew it's something bad
I just couldn't leave it alone
Pickin' at that scab
It was a doorway trying to seal itself shut
But I climbed through
Now I am somewhere I am not supposed to be
And I can see things I never really shoulda seen
And now I know why
And now I know why
Things aren't as pretty
On the inside
There is no you
There is only me
There is no you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me
Only
Only
Only
Only
Only
Only
Only
Only
- Only
See the animal in his cage that you built,
See the animal in his cage that you built
Are you sure what side you're on?
Are you sure whats natural
Better not look him too closely in the eye,
Na'now don't look too closely in the eye
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?
Are you sure what side of the glass you're on
See the safety of the life you have built,
See the safety of the life you have built
Everything where it belongs
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart,
See the hollowness inside of your home
And it's all...right where it belongs
And it's all... Right Where it belongs
What if everything around you,
What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
Isn't quite as it seems
What if all the world you think you know,
What if all the world you think you know
Is an elaborate dream?
Is an elaborate dream.
And if you look at your reflection,
Is it all you want it to be?
An' If you look at your reflection
What if you could look right through the cracks,
Is that all you want to be
Would you find yourself...find yourself afraid to see?
What if you could look right through the cracks
would you find yourself... find yourself afraid to see
What if all the world's inside of your head?
Just creations of your own
What if all the worlds inside of your head
Your devils and your gods all the living and the dead
Just creations of your own
And you really oughta know
The devils and your gods all the living and the dead
And you're really all alone
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You can live in this illusion
You keep looking but you can't find the words,
You can't choose to believe
Are you hiding in the trees?
You keep looking but you can't find the words
Now you're hiding in your dreams
What if everything around you,
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if everything around you
What if all the world you used to know,
Isn't quite as it seems
Is an elaborate dream?
What if all the world you used to know
Is an elaborate dream.
And if you look at your reflection,
Is it all you want it to be?
An' If you look at your reflection
What if you could look right through the cracks,
Is that all you want to be
Would you find yourself...find yourself afraid to see?
what if you could look right through the cracks
would you find yourself... find yourself afraid to see
- Right Where It Belongs
Watching all the insects march along
Seem to know just right where they belong
Smears a face reflecting in the chrome
Hiding in the crowd, I'm all alone
No one's heard a single word I've said
They don't sound as good outside my head
It looks as though the past is here to stay
I've become a million miles aw-
Why do you get all the love in the world?
Why do you get all the love in the world?
All the jagged edges disappear
Colors all are brighter when you're near
The stars are all afire in the sky
Sometimes I get so lonely, I could
Why do you get all the love in the world?
Why do you get all the love in the world?
Why do you get all the love in the world?
Why do you get all the love in the world?
Why do you get all the love in the world?
Why do you get all the love in the world?
Why do you get all the love in the world?
Why do you get all the love in the world?
[repeat]
- All The Love In The World