Merci, mes amis!
My thanks go first to all the right-thinking voters of my beautiful and long-suffering country who had the courage to take a bold step into the future by electing me President of the Republic last Sunday. I know I can count on you again to give the UMP a solid majority next month in the legislative elections, after which I can begin the work of fixing France so France can in turn fix Europe.
Next, thanks to les éléphants of the Parti Socialiste for falling under the spell of a pretty face and smile and sending Little Bo-Peep with her sheep to stand against me. Ah, gentlemen, don't blame yourselves too much; I know all too well how easy it is to succumb to feminine charms. Just look at your own poor party leader, who let himself be reduced to being called "Monsieur Royal". Of course when one lives with a woman who praises the swift justice system of China and, rumour has it, keeps a whip beneath her pillow, one must learn early on to discreet in one's criticism of her, ne c'est-pas?
Moving on now to individuals, I received early congratulations from London and Washington. Tony and George, merci beaucoup for your good wishes. What a shame, Tony, that you'll be leaving the world stage so soon. Do you ever wonder what the world might be like today had you left office a few years ago instead of staying on to play soldiers with George? And George, while I have your attention, I'd appreciate it very much if you thought of a different nickname for me. Somehow "Robocop" doesn't seem quite appropriate for the leader of France. Think of something nice, and I'll make sure the soon-to-be-out-of-a-job French PM stays far away from Washington.
Turning to France's continental partners, Romano and Angela sent good wishes, and I look forward to seeing both of them next month at the G8. Angela, I can assure you that the new PM will deal with you as an adult, seriously. I know that our cher Dominique harboured some illusions about you; it must have been tiring for you to constantly remind him that you were a happily married woman. But I can assure you that all my ministers will share my own strong feelings about the sanctity of marriage and will behave properly at all times. On the other hand, they won't be so imprisoned by the chain of a wedding vow that they have to make a desperate bid for freedom the way George did during last year's G8 when he gave you that impromptu shoulder rub that soon was the talk of the internet.
The Russian president also sent congratulations. Eventually. Two days late. Yes, cher Vladimir, I understand exactly what you were trying to convey.
Ségolène, chérie, I'm sure you'll be much happier not being President. Perhaps you should let François have a try at it in 2012. And please don't be too disappointed when the PS is crushed again in next month's elections.
Finally, a word to the two people with whom I have the longest and deepest political ties. Jacques, do you remember all those years ago when you gave me permission to speak for five minutes and I spoke for twenty? And the audience loved me. And you loved me, and you put me on the path to the Elysée. Merci, mon père, merci. Enjoy your retirement.
Dominique, you knew it would end this way, didn't you? But unlike your sulky Russian friend, you were gracious enough to call immediately with your congratulations. That was much appreciated, mon ami. And who knows, your real political story may still be waiting to be written. Eventually I'll decide to retire and will be looking for a suitable successor. In the meantime, you can have the role of France's Prince Charles if you want it. But we'll talk more about this privately. First there's a small matter of a wager to be settled.
Next, thanks to les éléphants of the Parti Socialiste for falling under the spell of a pretty face and smile and sending Little Bo-Peep with her sheep to stand against me. Ah, gentlemen, don't blame yourselves too much; I know all too well how easy it is to succumb to feminine charms. Just look at your own poor party leader, who let himself be reduced to being called "Monsieur Royal". Of course when one lives with a woman who praises the swift justice system of China and, rumour has it, keeps a whip beneath her pillow, one must learn early on to discreet in one's criticism of her, ne c'est-pas?
Moving on now to individuals, I received early congratulations from London and Washington. Tony and George, merci beaucoup for your good wishes. What a shame, Tony, that you'll be leaving the world stage so soon. Do you ever wonder what the world might be like today had you left office a few years ago instead of staying on to play soldiers with George? And George, while I have your attention, I'd appreciate it very much if you thought of a different nickname for me. Somehow "Robocop" doesn't seem quite appropriate for the leader of France. Think of something nice, and I'll make sure the soon-to-be-out-of-a-job French PM stays far away from Washington.
Turning to France's continental partners, Romano and Angela sent good wishes, and I look forward to seeing both of them next month at the G8. Angela, I can assure you that the new PM will deal with you as an adult, seriously. I know that our cher Dominique harboured some illusions about you; it must have been tiring for you to constantly remind him that you were a happily married woman. But I can assure you that all my ministers will share my own strong feelings about the sanctity of marriage and will behave properly at all times. On the other hand, they won't be so imprisoned by the chain of a wedding vow that they have to make a desperate bid for freedom the way George did during last year's G8 when he gave you that impromptu shoulder rub that soon was the talk of the internet.
The Russian president also sent congratulations. Eventually. Two days late. Yes, cher Vladimir, I understand exactly what you were trying to convey.
Ségolène, chérie, I'm sure you'll be much happier not being President. Perhaps you should let François have a try at it in 2012. And please don't be too disappointed when the PS is crushed again in next month's elections.
Finally, a word to the two people with whom I have the longest and deepest political ties. Jacques, do you remember all those years ago when you gave me permission to speak for five minutes and I spoke for twenty? And the audience loved me. And you loved me, and you put me on the path to the Elysée. Merci, mon père, merci. Enjoy your retirement.
Dominique, you knew it would end this way, didn't you? But unlike your sulky Russian friend, you were gracious enough to call immediately with your congratulations. That was much appreciated, mon ami. And who knows, your real political story may still be waiting to be written. Eventually I'll decide to retire and will be looking for a suitable successor. In the meantime, you can have the role of France's Prince Charles if you want it. But we'll talk more about this privately. First there's a small matter of a wager to be settled.