Been there before, but not like this...: Today is Another DAY.
It's not a Day like I usually say it, when I mean "It's been a Hell of a day, Evie," at the end of the day, when I crawl into bed where she's waiting with the only hug that I can get regularly that actually works; or when I announce in chat or to Aubrey on AIM that "It's going to be a Day" or "It's been a Day", when I mean "God, it's gonna be hell today, I wish you could be here" or "God, it's gonna be hell today, I wish I could stay in bed and sleep all day".
It's not another day like I usually say it is, "just another day", it's been normal it's been fine it's been okay. It's not a bad day or a good day, because it goes beyond that in both directions.
Today is Another DAY.
A DAY is a day I'm actually myself.
A DAY is a day I'm not ashamed of being who I am.
And today's a DAY beyond what I've even had before.
Today, I am not beautiful, I am not pretty, I am not good-looking, because even on a good day I never believe I am. I do, however, have nice eyes Today; I do have a great voice, a lot of writing talent, and am the best songwriter in the UFF.
Today, I am sad and happy and in love and out of love and somewhere in between and I will not do anything that isn't neccesary or wanted, I will not talk to people I don't want to talk to, I will not hold my tongue when I don't have to.
Today, I am the older sister to two little boys that today don't bother me by existing, but who I love so much, and I'm not scared to say the reason I'm always on edge is I don't want to get too attached, because what if I leave and they're grown up and different and hate what I am?
Today, I am OCD. I am just plain OCD and Pure-Obsessional OCD with all my thoughts of violence and death and hurting others and hurting myself and H-OCD with all my fears of pretending to feel things for people.
Today, I am probably serotonin deficient and today, I thank God and Goddess for the fact that I can feel at all, even if it hurts sometimes.
Today, I am probably GAD and I thank God and Goddess for the fact that when I am being set off, two people can help me calm down.
Today, I am bisexual.
Today, I am Pagan-almost-Wiccan.
Today I can say that so many yesterdays ago, I didn't like who I am.
Today I can say that so many yesterdays ago, I hated myself and my life.
Today I can say that yesterday and all of it's yesterdays, I've never been happy all day, but that isn't part of life.
Today I can say that some time in the future, when I get married, I'm going to have a handfasting, and I'd be willing to have two ceremonies for my wife or husband or what-have-you, if they'd be willing for me, and if they wouldn't be, why the hell would I be marrying them?
Today I can say that some time in the future, I'd love to have children, scared as I am of childbirth and of passing down to them what I have.
Today I can say that some time in the future, I want to be on Broadway.
Today I can say that some time in the future, I'm going to be in New York and that thrills me and terrifies me.
Today I can say that my grandmother will never know everything about me and that makes me sad.
Today I am not ashamed of anything I think or feel or want or do or am.
Today I am Me.
Today is going to be beautiful, at the very least in my mind.
And maybe, just maybe, tomorrow can be the same.
It's not another day like I usually say it is, "just another day", it's been normal it's been fine it's been okay. It's not a bad day or a good day, because it goes beyond that in both directions.
Today is Another DAY.
A DAY is a day I'm actually myself.
A DAY is a day I'm not ashamed of being who I am.
And today's a DAY beyond what I've even had before.
Today, I am not beautiful, I am not pretty, I am not good-looking, because even on a good day I never believe I am. I do, however, have nice eyes Today; I do have a great voice, a lot of writing talent, and am the best songwriter in the UFF.
Today, I am sad and happy and in love and out of love and somewhere in between and I will not do anything that isn't neccesary or wanted, I will not talk to people I don't want to talk to, I will not hold my tongue when I don't have to.
Today, I am the older sister to two little boys that today don't bother me by existing, but who I love so much, and I'm not scared to say the reason I'm always on edge is I don't want to get too attached, because what if I leave and they're grown up and different and hate what I am?
Today, I am OCD. I am just plain OCD and Pure-Obsessional OCD with all my thoughts of violence and death and hurting others and hurting myself and H-OCD with all my fears of pretending to feel things for people.
Today, I am probably serotonin deficient and today, I thank God and Goddess for the fact that I can feel at all, even if it hurts sometimes.
Today, I am probably GAD and I thank God and Goddess for the fact that when I am being set off, two people can help me calm down.
Today, I am bisexual.
Today, I am Pagan-almost-Wiccan.
Today I can say that so many yesterdays ago, I didn't like who I am.
Today I can say that so many yesterdays ago, I hated myself and my life.
Today I can say that yesterday and all of it's yesterdays, I've never been happy all day, but that isn't part of life.
Today I can say that some time in the future, when I get married, I'm going to have a handfasting, and I'd be willing to have two ceremonies for my wife or husband or what-have-you, if they'd be willing for me, and if they wouldn't be, why the hell would I be marrying them?
Today I can say that some time in the future, I'd love to have children, scared as I am of childbirth and of passing down to them what I have.
Today I can say that some time in the future, I want to be on Broadway.
Today I can say that some time in the future, I'm going to be in New York and that thrills me and terrifies me.
Today I can say that my grandmother will never know everything about me and that makes me sad.
Today I am not ashamed of anything I think or feel or want or do or am.
Today I am Me.
Today is going to be beautiful, at the very least in my mind.
And maybe, just maybe, tomorrow can be the same.