more observations on all things poly
Here are a few observations written recently for various forums:
I am poly because I have no interest in seeking out one exclusive relationship based on sexual and romantic fidelity. That just doesn't make sense to me.
The model that makes more sense is to find a partner I am compatible with as a life mate, whether or not that includes sexual compatibility, and then to be free to let other relationships achieve as little or as much intimacy as they do naturally, without having to impose artificial limits on behavior. That's the model I currently live, but I would also be happy without a partner (although it would be harder to maintain my current lifestyle).
It's definitely not about the sex, for me, but about the freedom to let each relationship take a more natural course, rather than trying to find one person to live up to the "marriage potential" checklist while reducing all others to the "friends only" category.
I've also never understood jealousy over sex, or why my being in a relationship with someone would give me exclusive rights over her body (or her heart). I actually love the idea that people I'm involved with are also involved with others, as it means that they're getting different needs met in different ways and that takes the pressure off of me to be all things to one person. And I think that makes for healthier relationships all around, at least for me and the type of people I'm drawn to.
You know the one thing that I think makes me most suited for a poly life is that I am not afraid of being alone, so I don't have to jealously guard a relationship out of fear of being left alone.
I get to the point that I have a partner, and that she's female, pretty early on in any conversation, but it takes me a while to get around to the "open relationship" part, because that doesn't always feel like relevant information. And I worry that it can sometimes turn people off who might otherwise enjoy getting to know me. People have a lot of negative stereotypes about poly people and I'd rather they get to know me first, and then find that their stereotypes are wrong, than to put me into the stereotype box too early on in the process.
Sometimes it truly isn't relevant and so I don't bring it up, even though my inner activist tells me that the world needs to be aware that we exist, and how will the world know that if I don't speak up. I mention the fact that I have a female partner sometimes when it isn't entirely relevant for that very reason, b/c I pass as straight and want the world to know that not every lesbian looks like a diesel dyke (not that there's anything wrong with that).
When I'm with a group of people, like a lesbian social group, I don't bring it up unless it becomes relevant as part of the conversation, for the same reason I don't bring up a whole bunch of other private issues. But if I was starting to get to know one person who might become a good friend, I would explain my relationship situation early on, both as part of the process of describing who I am and also to let the other person know that if it turns out there is "something" between us, that possibility remains open even though I'm already involved with someone. In some cases that has not affected the budding friendship at all (usually when there's no attraction there beyond platonic friendship), but in other cases it has, I think b/c the other person did feel some attraction and yet was afraid to get involved with someone already in a relationship out of fear of drama or whatever (despite the fact that I'm very low drama).
I don't worry so much about the social consequences of mentioning it, as I've never really cared if I was accepted into any kind of mainstream (even the lesbian mainstream), but I do care that sometimes it prevents people from actually getting to know me, how I think and feel and why I might have this perspective towards relationships. And I want them to know the full story before they go making judgements.
It's not the sex for me, although that's a nice bonus. It's about love.
I totally relate to this. It's not about the sex for me either. As I've mentioned elsewhere, I'd rather not have sex at all (except with myself) and have multiple love relationships than to have lots of sex with no emotional connection. I can enjoy sex with certain people without there being a deep connection there, and I like that in poly I'm free to explore those types of relationships, but they don't feed me on the level that emotional connections do.
I also cannot live a life where I am someone else's entire world. I absolutely need to have those I love have other loves in their life too.
I really relate to this as well. I find it a relief when people I'm involved with have other loves, of whatever type, so that the pressure is off of me to be everything to the person. I can't be everything for anyone, nor do I want anyone else to be everything for me. How boring!
I enjoy having multiple connections, of varying degrees of intensity and duration, because they encourage me to grow and learn from others and become more of the person I want to be, whereas if I had to seek everything from just one other person... well, I would never have found that person to begin with, so I'd be frustrated and single.
Another reason why poly is important to me is that it allows me to get to know and appreciate each person as he or she is, without trying to match the person against my check list of what I would want in an ideal mate. If the person has some traits that wouldn't suit me for a long term primary partnership, that's OK, we can still let our relationship evolve into whatever seems natural because I'm not limited to only one love.
In that way it allows me to love more freely and authentically, because I can see the person for who he or she is, not who I wish he or she was. I can be more accepting of flaws and small incompatibilities, because we don't need to be all things to each other (whereas when I was trying to be monogamous, I was incredibly critical of every little way in which my partner didn't measure up to my ideal, which was destructive and completely unfair of me). I'm also less hard on myself for not being perfect, because I too don't have to be everything for him or her.
I am poly because I have no interest in seeking out one exclusive relationship based on sexual and romantic fidelity. That just doesn't make sense to me.
The model that makes more sense is to find a partner I am compatible with as a life mate, whether or not that includes sexual compatibility, and then to be free to let other relationships achieve as little or as much intimacy as they do naturally, without having to impose artificial limits on behavior. That's the model I currently live, but I would also be happy without a partner (although it would be harder to maintain my current lifestyle).
It's definitely not about the sex, for me, but about the freedom to let each relationship take a more natural course, rather than trying to find one person to live up to the "marriage potential" checklist while reducing all others to the "friends only" category.
I've also never understood jealousy over sex, or why my being in a relationship with someone would give me exclusive rights over her body (or her heart). I actually love the idea that people I'm involved with are also involved with others, as it means that they're getting different needs met in different ways and that takes the pressure off of me to be all things to one person. And I think that makes for healthier relationships all around, at least for me and the type of people I'm drawn to.
You know the one thing that I think makes me most suited for a poly life is that I am not afraid of being alone, so I don't have to jealously guard a relationship out of fear of being left alone.
I get to the point that I have a partner, and that she's female, pretty early on in any conversation, but it takes me a while to get around to the "open relationship" part, because that doesn't always feel like relevant information. And I worry that it can sometimes turn people off who might otherwise enjoy getting to know me. People have a lot of negative stereotypes about poly people and I'd rather they get to know me first, and then find that their stereotypes are wrong, than to put me into the stereotype box too early on in the process.
Sometimes it truly isn't relevant and so I don't bring it up, even though my inner activist tells me that the world needs to be aware that we exist, and how will the world know that if I don't speak up. I mention the fact that I have a female partner sometimes when it isn't entirely relevant for that very reason, b/c I pass as straight and want the world to know that not every lesbian looks like a diesel dyke (not that there's anything wrong with that).
When I'm with a group of people, like a lesbian social group, I don't bring it up unless it becomes relevant as part of the conversation, for the same reason I don't bring up a whole bunch of other private issues. But if I was starting to get to know one person who might become a good friend, I would explain my relationship situation early on, both as part of the process of describing who I am and also to let the other person know that if it turns out there is "something" between us, that possibility remains open even though I'm already involved with someone. In some cases that has not affected the budding friendship at all (usually when there's no attraction there beyond platonic friendship), but in other cases it has, I think b/c the other person did feel some attraction and yet was afraid to get involved with someone already in a relationship out of fear of drama or whatever (despite the fact that I'm very low drama).
I don't worry so much about the social consequences of mentioning it, as I've never really cared if I was accepted into any kind of mainstream (even the lesbian mainstream), but I do care that sometimes it prevents people from actually getting to know me, how I think and feel and why I might have this perspective towards relationships. And I want them to know the full story before they go making judgements.
It's not the sex for me, although that's a nice bonus. It's about love.
I totally relate to this. It's not about the sex for me either. As I've mentioned elsewhere, I'd rather not have sex at all (except with myself) and have multiple love relationships than to have lots of sex with no emotional connection. I can enjoy sex with certain people without there being a deep connection there, and I like that in poly I'm free to explore those types of relationships, but they don't feed me on the level that emotional connections do.
I also cannot live a life where I am someone else's entire world. I absolutely need to have those I love have other loves in their life too.
I really relate to this as well. I find it a relief when people I'm involved with have other loves, of whatever type, so that the pressure is off of me to be everything to the person. I can't be everything for anyone, nor do I want anyone else to be everything for me. How boring!
I enjoy having multiple connections, of varying degrees of intensity and duration, because they encourage me to grow and learn from others and become more of the person I want to be, whereas if I had to seek everything from just one other person... well, I would never have found that person to begin with, so I'd be frustrated and single.
Another reason why poly is important to me is that it allows me to get to know and appreciate each person as he or she is, without trying to match the person against my check list of what I would want in an ideal mate. If the person has some traits that wouldn't suit me for a long term primary partnership, that's OK, we can still let our relationship evolve into whatever seems natural because I'm not limited to only one love.
In that way it allows me to love more freely and authentically, because I can see the person for who he or she is, not who I wish he or she was. I can be more accepting of flaws and small incompatibilities, because we don't need to be all things to each other (whereas when I was trying to be monogamous, I was incredibly critical of every little way in which my partner didn't measure up to my ideal, which was destructive and completely unfair of me). I'm also less hard on myself for not being perfect, because I too don't have to be everything for him or her.