marriage is not for everyone
(written for another forum, in response to a question about views on marriage)
Long before I knew anything about the history of the institution of marriage, I had an inkling that it was probably not for me. I don't really know why. I tried to want it, but as my friends sat around talking about the kind of men they wanted to spend their lives with I just couldn't see myself going down that path. Even when I came out as a lesbian I still didn't see marriage as something to aim for, although I do support the idea of granting marriage rights to same sex couples.
There's probably too much to go into here and now, but some of my resistance probably comes from knowing how much I grow and evolve every few years, to the point that it would be extremely unlikely for me to meet someone who would still be on the same path as me a few years down the road. I want the freedom to pursue my own life, rather than being limited by my obligations to another person. That probably comes from having grown up during a time when women were just discovering that they didn't have to depend so much on men and could actually live their own lives.
I never wanted children, so I'm sure that makes a difference. I also don't care about the social status that comes from being married, nor am I particularly worried about growing old alone, because I know how to make friends. I also know how to entertain myself ;-)
I did go through a phase of thinking that I should be wanting a long term relationship of some kind, but what I discovered is that I ended up being incredibly critical of each new person I dated, measuring her against an idealized notion of who I might spend the rest of my life with, and no one ever measured up. But when I decided to let go of that way of thinking and live in the present, I became open to connecting with a wider range of people. And I began to appreciate each relationship for what it brought to my life at that moment, rather than worrying about its long term potential. For me that's a healthier way to relate with others.
Long before I knew anything about the history of the institution of marriage, I had an inkling that it was probably not for me. I don't really know why. I tried to want it, but as my friends sat around talking about the kind of men they wanted to spend their lives with I just couldn't see myself going down that path. Even when I came out as a lesbian I still didn't see marriage as something to aim for, although I do support the idea of granting marriage rights to same sex couples.
There's probably too much to go into here and now, but some of my resistance probably comes from knowing how much I grow and evolve every few years, to the point that it would be extremely unlikely for me to meet someone who would still be on the same path as me a few years down the road. I want the freedom to pursue my own life, rather than being limited by my obligations to another person. That probably comes from having grown up during a time when women were just discovering that they didn't have to depend so much on men and could actually live their own lives.
I never wanted children, so I'm sure that makes a difference. I also don't care about the social status that comes from being married, nor am I particularly worried about growing old alone, because I know how to make friends. I also know how to entertain myself ;-)
I did go through a phase of thinking that I should be wanting a long term relationship of some kind, but what I discovered is that I ended up being incredibly critical of each new person I dated, measuring her against an idealized notion of who I might spend the rest of my life with, and no one ever measured up. But when I decided to let go of that way of thinking and live in the present, I became open to connecting with a wider range of people. And I began to appreciate each relationship for what it brought to my life at that moment, rather than worrying about its long term potential. For me that's a healthier way to relate with others.