queer on the inside
It bothers me more than it should that if I am walking down the street, I look for all the world like the most ordinary, conventional person you ever met. OK, so I have a few discreet piercings and tattoos, but who doesn't these days? The rest of me suggests someone who is trying to "fit in with the norm," when that is so not true, at least on the inside. And yet if I try to dress or change my appearance in a manner that better expresses my internal self, then it feels artificial, like I'm play acting at being something I'm not. It's such an odd dilemma!
On the one hand, I don't really care what other people think and I look the way I do because it's the easiest and most comfortable. I don't have to give much thought to it. But on the other hand, I hate the thought that just by walking around looking normal I contribute to the belief that most people are normal, when that's probably not true. I don't like that someone would actually have to take the time to get to know me to realize that I represent some pretty unconventional ideas about life.
I think this is where the whole "dyke look" thing comes from, from the desire to make one's difference visible to the world in order to create the impression that there are many of us out there. And I really appreciate and value that, but I just can't pull it off personally. I tried for a while -- and was AMAZED at how differently I was treated in the world by everyone (but especially by other lesbians) -- but it just didn't feel like "me." Now I feel like "me" when I look in the mirror, but as soon as I open my mouth around new people they seem completely shocked at the disconnect between appearance and beliefs (unless, of course, they have the same thing going on).
I guess I just hate it that we all make assumptions about people based on what they look like, because that probably prevents us from making what might otherwise be some meaningful connections.
On the one hand, I don't really care what other people think and I look the way I do because it's the easiest and most comfortable. I don't have to give much thought to it. But on the other hand, I hate the thought that just by walking around looking normal I contribute to the belief that most people are normal, when that's probably not true. I don't like that someone would actually have to take the time to get to know me to realize that I represent some pretty unconventional ideas about life.
I think this is where the whole "dyke look" thing comes from, from the desire to make one's difference visible to the world in order to create the impression that there are many of us out there. And I really appreciate and value that, but I just can't pull it off personally. I tried for a while -- and was AMAZED at how differently I was treated in the world by everyone (but especially by other lesbians) -- but it just didn't feel like "me." Now I feel like "me" when I look in the mirror, but as soon as I open my mouth around new people they seem completely shocked at the disconnect between appearance and beliefs (unless, of course, they have the same thing going on).
I guess I just hate it that we all make assumptions about people based on what they look like, because that probably prevents us from making what might otherwise be some meaningful connections.